Some Wings Must Bleed

Chapter 34 - A Pretty Mess

I didn't sleep that night. There was part of me that had died. It was the part of me that had hope that Kurapika loved me back, even a fraction of how I loved him. It was the part of me that fantasized about him, and loved the way he smiled and touched me. That part was gone. When I thought of him now, I only felt hurt and embarrassment. I was ashamed of what I had done.

I was ashamed.

I practically begged him to kiss me, god I must have looked so desperate and pathetic.

I was stressed, or rather worried about how things were going to be. It's not like things could go back to the way that they were, right? How was I supposed to be around him all the time?

I cried some more, over nothing in particular, and then I stared at my ceiling for seven hours.

Yeah.

. . .

7:34 A.M.

I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. All I could think of was how everything would be different.

8:14 A.M.

Nothing will be the same...

9:27 A.M.

How am I going to travel around with him for two months like this? I can't even think about him much less be with him!

10:45 A.M.

I can't let him know he hurt me this much. Maybe he thinks it was just a fluke? That I was caught up in the moment?

11:46 A.M.

He doesn't know how much I love him, I mean, I didn't confess my love for him or anything, so I'll just play it off as if I was tired and... Shit, can I really do this?

12:57 P.M.

I'll act casual, like it never even happened. He sucks at expressing his emotions anyways, so I'll just take the lead. It never happened.

1:39 P.M.

What if he hates me for what I did? What if he thinks I'm trying to sabotage him? No... But then, what if he really does like me and just didn't want to ruin our friendship? God...

2:23 P.M.

"My lady?" A woman's voice rang, probably a maid.

"Yes?" I asked, my gaze still directed at the ceiling.

"There's about two and a half hours until the party, I was wondering if you'd like to eat and then start getting ready?"

My eyes widened and I sat up.

The party is today. Shit.

"I'll be down in just a few moments, thank you." I said, my eyes unfocused and looking in the general direction of the floor.

"Yes my lady, I'll prepare um, breakfast for you."

Don't call me my lady, it hurts.

I dragged myself out of bed and went to my vanity, sneering at the dark circles that had formed under my eyes. I didn't bother getting dressed, after all, I was going to get in an evening gown soon anyways. I simply brushed my hair and washed my face with cold water, trying to wake myself up, to no avail of course. I put socks and flats on, rubbing uncomfortably at my burning eyes as I left my room. I had decided to ignore Kurapika. After many hours of thinking, it seemed like the safest and smartest option. If he wanted to talk to me, he could. If he didn't, well...