Three's Company

63

Justice: Could you...see us being more than friends...?

I laid on Justice's chest as she stroked my curly but frizzy bed head. Her dark gray duvet comforter pulled up to her waist, leaving her entire upper body exposed to the cool air in her bedroom. Her ceiling fan spun fast, the blades making a slight whistling noise.

Me: We already are.
Justice: I know. But like your girlfriend. Not just sex buddies.
Me: What are you saying?
Justice: I'm saying I'm falling for you and this wasn't the plan...
Me: We've never discussed an actual relationship.
Justice: Would you?
Me: Would I what?
Justice: Ever discuss it or consider it? Could you ever see me like that?
Me: As my girlfriend...
Justice: Yeah...
Me: I could...
Justice: Have you thought about it?
Me: I guess, yeah.
Justice: We've been doing this for almost a year.
Me: Do you like Cam?
Justice: He's cool. I enjoy the time we all spend together. But it's you I want.

She interlocked her fingers into mine, drawing them up to her lips and kissing me.

Me: So you saying you really wanna be my sidechick.
Justice: But it's not even like that. Your husband knows.
Me: But what does that mean for you? You don't want an exclusive relationship? What if you meet someone else?
Justice: I've always kinda felt like I was meant to be polyamorous. It's why I couldn't marry my ex. That isn't what he wanted and he couldn't accept it for me. I just didn't want to hurt him, you know?
Me: I get that.
Justice: I just like you...a lot. From the first day I laid eyes on you I felt a connection.
Me: I felt that.
Justice: I mean...I don't know. If you don't feel the same, I can handle it. I just felt like I should get it off my chest.
Me: I'm not...against it.
Justice: I want you...so bad.

She kissed my forehead.

Me: You got me laying in your bed...naked.
Justice: I want your heart too though.
Me: Damn...the kinda just made my stomach flutter.
Justice: You feel it...
Me: Yeah...
Justice: Talk to your man.
Me: I will...

*bzzz bzzz bzzz*
*incoming iMessage from Jess*

Jess: Whatchu doing boo?
Me: Hey...with Justice. Wassup? You good?

*bzzz bzzz bzzz*
*incoming iMessage from Daija*

Daija: hey can i talk 2 u
Me: Sure, baby. Everything okay?

Jess: I wanna talk about therapy. Dinner?

Daija: I want to tell u some thing
Me: Okay. Can we talk tonight?

Jess: I can bring food to the house or we can go out?
Jess: I'm struggling.

Daija: yes okay
Me: 😘

Me: Yeah. Luigi's at 7?
Jess: 👍🏾

Justice: You okay?
Me: Yeah...everybody is in need. Jess needs to talk. Daija wants to tell me something. You want me to talk to Cam. What's going on today?
Justice: You need to go?

*****

Me: What's going on, babe?
Daija: Who is Justice?
Me: What?
Daija: Do you love her?
Me: Where is this coming from?
Daija: I just heard you and Cam and Micah talking about her.
Me: What does this have to do with anything?
Daija: Because...I think I love my friend. Is Justice your friend?
Me: Yes. She's my friend and yes, I guess I do love her maybe. I don't. Baby, what did you hear?
Daija: Nothing really. It just seems like you like her a lot and I like my friend a lot.
Me: Who, baby?
Daija: Kensley.
Me: What do you mean you like her?
Daija: Like you like Justice.
Me: Okay what do you know about me and Justice? You've never even met her.
(she has but she just knows her by "Coach Young" which I guess is good?)
Daija: I know that you kissed her.
Me: When did you hear this?! Have you kissed Kensley?
Daija: It was one night. You guys were talking i-in the kitchen and I like came downstairs to get some water or something and you said it. Cam asked you did you like her and you said yes. But like, I walked in so you guys stopped talking.
Me: Whew! Okay...I don't know how to explain this in kid language. You shouldn't have heard that.
Daija: Is it bad? Are you not allowed to like her?
Me: Jesus Christ. I need a drink.
Daija: I'm sorry.
Me: No baby. It's okay. Umm...okay. So yes, I am allowed to like her. But it's a little different because Cam and I are married. So like people don't usually umm how do I say this? They aren't really accepting of that. So we don't really talk about it except for in private.
Daija: I won't tell anyone.
Me: Can we talk about you and Kensley? What is it that you like about her? Does she like you?
Daija: I just think she's pretty and she's smart and we always have fun together. We like the same video games and stuff.
Me: But you said you like her like I like Justice. What does that mean?
(I know already. Obviously. But I just want her to say it. I want to know what she thinks and how her brain views crushes.)
Daija: I don't know.

I didn't want to project adult attraction to whatever she is feeling as an eight year old. So I didn't lead. I wanted her own words. I don't remember what I knew at eight years old. I don't remember the actual thought I had about crushes at eight. All I could see was my adult view of people I liked. We all know how Cam and I started.

Daija: We hold hands sometimes and she told me she thinks I'm pretty too.
Me: Okay.
Daija: Is that okay?
Me: Of course it's okay. Do you think it wouldn't be?
Daija: She says her brother told her girls shouldn't like girls. Not like that.
Me: Like what?
Daija: I guess think they're pretty? I don't know.
Me: Can I ask you something?
Daija: Yeah...
Me: Do you like boys the way you like Kensley?
Daija: I don't think so. I think I just like girls.
Me: And have you always felt this way?
Daija: Umm...yeah. I guess.
Daija: When I was in first grade, one of my friends had two moms. Sometimes people made fun of her calling her a lesbian? Is that a bad word? I tried to google it but I don't think I spelled it right. Is that like you and Justice?
Me: Wow...okay. So...no. It's not a bad word. A lesbian is a girl or woman who likes other girls or women. But like only girls. Not boys. There's a different word for people who like both.
Daija: So do you like both?

Now this was the first time I had discussed sexuality with any of the kids and it made me feel bad because I'm sure my kids probably had classmates or friends who had two moms or two dads. I would hope that they weren't being mean to kids who were different from them. And now this was setting the stage for a necessary conversation for all the kids.

Me: Yes. I like both. And people who like both are called bisexual. Boys and men who like other boys and men are called gay. So if people are using those terms, then no that's not wrong. But if they're being mean or bullying people for being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, then that's when it becomes wrong.

Daija: That makes sense. Why are people mean about that?
Me: To be honest, people are just mean sometimes and there's no real excuse for it. A lot of people are just taught not to be okay with it and they just repeat what somebody told them.
Daija: People should be able to like who they like.
Me: I agree.
Daija: So...am I a lesbian?
Me: Umm...I think that's something you have to decide for yourself. You're still young and you're still figuring out yourself and what you like and maybe even why you like the things you like. I think if you want to identify as that, it's okay. If you don't want to label yourself, that's also okay. It's about what you feel comfortable with.
Daija: Okay.
Me: And we you get older and you learn more, you may decide that's not the label for you or that you like something that you didn't like or know you liked before. The label can always change. It's never set in stone because it's what you believe yourself to be. And other people's labels don't matter. It's all about how you feel about yourself.
Daija: I understand.
Me: I'm glad you felt comfortable talking to me.
Daija: Me too. Thank you for helping me figure all this stuff out.
Me: Anytime.