Three's Company

80

Jess

Morgan: Mommy? Is D ever coming home? I miss him.
Me: No, baby he's not.
Morgan: Why not?
Me: Cuz mommy messed up. And I can't fix it.
Morgan: Is he still in trouble?
Me: No, baby. He's not. He didn't do anything wrong. The police found the person who did it. And Deon is not in trouble anymore.
Morgan: So why isn't he coming home? I don't understand.
Me: Listen, Mo. Mommy did something really bad. And it hurt Deon. It hurt him really bad. So he's not happy with me and we're not going to be married anymore. He's not going to be living here anymore. But you have to know that he didn't do anything wrong. It was all me.
Morgan: Is that why daddy has been here? Is that why you're always crying?
Me: Yes, baby.
Morgan: Is daddy gonna live with us now?
Me: I don't know.
Morgan: Do you think I could call D? I really miss him.
Me: I don't know, baby. We can try. How about I text him first and make sure he's not busy working.
Morgan: Okay...

I tried to withhold the tears that were in my eyes. I didn't even know she knew I'd been crying. I didn't want her to see me like this and I don't even know how to explain what I did in kid terms.

I reached on the coffee table and grabbed my phone. When I unlocked it, I immediately opened the Message app and clicked his name, which was still pinned at the top.

Me: D...Morgan is asking about you. I don't know what to say. She wants to call you. But I figured I'd text you first...so you know it's her and not me...I know you don't want anything to do with me.

He texted back almost immediately.

Deon: I'm free. She can call.

Me: Okay, baby. Deon said you can call. He's not working right now.
Morgan: Yayyy!

I clicked the little "I" at the top of the screen and dialed his number. He answered within two rings.

Deon: Hello?
Morgan: Hi, D! I miss you!
Deon: Hey little bit! I miss you too, sweetheart. What have you been up to?
Morgan: Ehh, just school. Mommy's gonna sign me up for soccer! Are you gonna come to my games?
Deon: Of course I will! As long as I'm in town!
Morgan: Yes! I got at 98 on my spelling test. I missed one word. Imagination.
Deon: Aww man! That's good though! Anything else exciting?
Morgan: Nothing really. I just miss you. Mommy told me she did something really bad. She's been really sad lately. I don't like seeing her like this.

Hearing her say that crushed my spirit. The tears welled up even more than before.

Deon: Your mommy's gonna be okay. She's a big girl. You just be sure to take care of her, okay.
Morgan: She said you aren't going to live with us anymore. But will you still be my bonus daddy?
Deon: I'll always be your bonus daddy.
Morgan: You promise?
Deon: I promise. When I come back in town, maybe I can take you somewhere fun?
Morgan: I'd love that!
Deon: Okay! We'll make that deal. I do miss you a lot.
Morgan: I can't wait! Do you want to talk to mommy?
Deon: Uhh...yeah I can talk to her for a second.

I tried to get my shit together. Clearing my voice, I grabbed the phone. "Hello?" I took it off of speaker phone. Morgan took off up the stairs to her room.

Deon: Hey...
Me: Hey...
Deon: How are you?
Me: I'm okay...
Deon: I told Mo I'd come get her when I'm in town...if that's okay.
Me: Of course.
Deon: You know I'm not just gonna walk out on her, right? I'm not that dude.
Me: I mean...I'd hoped so. But I would've understood if seeing me was too much.
Deon: I just needed some time. Hearing her voice brought it all back. You know I love her like she's my own. That's my baby.
Me: I know...
Deon: I really do hope you're doing well.
Me: Yeah, me too. You, I mean.
Deon: I'm okay. I'm in therapy.
Me: Same here.
Deon: It's all good.
Me: I really am sorry. I never meant to hurt your feelings.
Deon: We don't...have to go there again.
Me: I just need you to know.
Deon: I know. And it is what it is. We had some good times and a lot of good memories. I don't regret any of that.
Me: You are a phenomenal man. You deserved far more than I gave you.
Deon: The only thing I regret is...
Me: The baby...
Deon: What happened, J?
Me: Honestly, I was scared. I didn't know if you were coming home. And I just didn't want to bring a baby into this chaos.
Deon: You knew it was mine before you did it?
Me: Yeah...I didn't initially...but...
Deon: Would you have done that if it was Garrett's?
Me: Honestly...? I don't know. Maybe. He didn't know either. In my mind, if I took care of it before anybody knew...no matter who's it was, it wasn't gonna matter.
Deon: Did you ever stop to consider that I really was innocent?
Me: Deon, you have to know. I kept telling myself you were innocent. I truly didn't believe you would do any of what they accused you of. But that detective...dropping by with evidence files. Phone records and all that. The evidence was overwhelming. I started to think otherwise.
Deon: But even if I was guilty, that crime was enough for you to throw away our marriage? It's not like I was accused of murder or rape.
Me: It wasn't even about the crime itself. I just heard the time. Almost 30 years. That child would be grown. An adult. It was selfish, I know. I just couldn't see myself bringing a baby to visit you in prison for all those years. Watching their daddy grow up behind bars. I couldn't do it. You know I don't have no issues with sex work. It wasn't even about that.
Deon: Okay...
Me: I'm sorry. I know that I should've done all of that differently. I can't take it back. I was just so wrapped up in everything. In Garrett. In your case. I just...my mind was everywhere. I was already feeling hella guilty about what I was doing. I just didn't want that on your plate. Or my plate.
Deon: I don't get it. But I do. You did what you felt you had to do. Even if it hurts.
Me: For what it's worth, I did love you. I do love you. Still.
Deon: I believe you.
Me: I was just greedy. You did everything right.
Deon: I appreciate that.
Me: Thank you for loving Morgan in spite of my bullshit.
Deon: I always will.
Me: I know.
Deon: Do you love him?
Me: ...yes.
Deon: More than me?
Me: I don't know...maybe equally.
Deon: I wish things could be different.
Me: Me too.
Deon: For a minute...I...umm...I considered the poly thing. Like Jayden and Cam. I didn't want to lose you. I still don't. I just...don't know if I can share. Knowingly, anyway...
Me: That's not you...You're a one woman man. And you want a one man woman.
Deon: I know. I just...thought about it.
Me: You would take me back after all I did? I wouldn't take me back.
Deon: I don't know...I just...want my family. I want you. As much as it hurts to think about all that's happened.
Me: I think you're just hurting and wishing things were different.
Deon: I talked about it with my therapist.
Me: What'd he say?
Deon: We talked about healing and forgiveness.
Me: It's really soon for both of those things.
Deon: I know...
Me: I want you to be okay.
Deon: And I just want you...
Me: Deon...
Deon: I'm a fucking simp. Me and Cam. I feel dumb. But my feelings are my feelings.
Me: You just love hard.
Deon: Yeah...something like that. I thought maybe it was bullshit and that whenever I did finally speak to you again, that I'd be so angry that none of it would matter.
Me: What changed?
Deon: Hearing your voice.
Me: Well...
Deon: I should go...
Me: Okay.
Deon: I'll get with you when I get back in town. For Morgan...
Me: Okay.
Deon: Aight.

Not even thirty seconds after we hung up, I received a text.

Deon: Think about it...