— where Kim calls Chay every time he is drunk and begs Chay to take him back —
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Chay doesn't know why he unblocked Kim's number.
No. That's a lie. Chay knows why he unblocked Kim's number. He wanted to know if Kim would try again. If he won't just give up on Chay after a while. If Chay means enough to Kim to go through obstacles and not turn back after the first one. Yes, he got the song but it somehow felt so impersonal. Chay doesn't know how to describe it, yeah... he cried so much and the lyrics, Kim's tone of voice, expression, his body posture all of it is burned deep into his mind but it was all so •this is for Porchay• and that's it. No following words, no follow-up text, no I love you... I'm sorry... Chay needed more, he needed Kim to truly show him that he meant it. That it isn't all just some staged game to get something else from Chay.
Chay wants to take Kim back, fuck, his heart, his mind, his body, everything is craving for him but it's hard, it's so hard to take Kim back if Chay doesn't know how much and if at all he should trust him again. Yeah, maybe Kim really loves him but would that stop him from hurting Chay again? The thing is Chay doesn't know what exactly he wants Kim to do that would make him finally believe.
One thing is for sure, frequent night calls from drunk Kim begging him to take him back are not it but, for some reason, Chay can't stop answering them and after a while, strangely, he starts to anticipate them and if the call doesn't come there's a pang of disappointment that starts in his heart and spreads all over his body.
The first call came about a month ago. It was around midnight and Chay was already asleep tired from the exhausting day at uni. It took Chay a couple of seconds before he realised that it was his phone that was making all that awful sound in his room. Once he found his phone in the mess of the bed sheets he picked it up barely glancing at the caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Angel... myyy angel."
Chay immediately sat up, not half asleep anymore, "p-hi Kim?
"You picked up," Chay can hear a tired laugh on the other side of the line. "I thought you would never ever everrrr pick up. You picked up!"
"P'Kim... are you drunk?" Chay is nervously playing with his blanket and chewing on his bottom lip.
"Is it so obvious, huh?" Kim chuckles, "I just had a liiiittle bit of vodka... and whiskey... and... hmm... what else? Hmm I don't vodka... whiskey—"
"P'Kim, you shouldn't mix it," Chay says worriedly.
"Who cares?" Kim groans.
Chay wants to say it, he wants to say that he—he cares! But he can't bring himself to do it.
"See?" Kim chuckles, "no one! But I care, I care about you, angel."
Chay's heart starts beating faster, too many thoughts are fighting in his head.
"I love you, Chay," Kim suddenly whispers, "I'm the worst fucking person in this fucking world, aren't I? I love you so much. I was a fucking coward not telling you this when you needed me the most. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love youuuu—"
"P'Kim, please..." Chay interrupts Kim. He is afraid to show how affected he is, he is afraid that his voice is trembling, that he might cry.
"Angel, what should I do? What to do to have one more chance?"
It's not Chay's voice that breaks, it's not Chay's tears that roll out first. Kim is crying. Chay can hear that soul-shattering sound as it's entering every fragment of his body. He can't. He can't do this, "I'm sorry," he hangs up.
Kim called again the following night. And then next week and then three more times that week. And then it became sort of a routine. Chay got used to it. Chay found himself expecting it. Looking forward to it. The call was always the same. As if scripted but Chay knew, he felt it in every painfully desperate word that Kim mumbled; Kim wasn't playing. It was real. It was as real as it could get with someone like Kim, someone whose emotions were locked up even for themselves. Chay almost gave in. Almost. The only thing keeping him from that is Kim. The fact that he always calls Chay only when he is drunk. Chay is worried. Really worried. He doesn't want Kim to become an alcoholic or worse... become an alcoholic and hurt himself.
His phone rings again. Chay picks it up. It's around midnight. He didn't go to sleep, hoping Kim would call and he did. "P'Kim?"
"Chaaaay," Kim hiccups, "P-porchay, my angel, my love my love my love... my love," Kim sighs.
Chay can hear an ominous clicking of the bottle on the bottle and then a gulping sound as Kim drinks even more. "P'Kim, please stop. Please stop drinking. Stop!" Chay's voice is trembling, his hand holding the phone, shaking. He can feel and then he can taste the tears rolling down his cheeks.
"I-I don't know what to do, angel. I don't know who I am anymore. What to do. I miss you, I miss you..." Kim chokes on his own tears, "I miss you so much. Did you know? I keep hearing you, I keep seeing you around me. I think I might be going crazy. Wouldn't that be fun? They would lock me up somewhere and you'd be finally out of his nightmare—me! Am I a nightmare, angel? I am right? I know I am."
Chay looks at his hand, he misses the way it fits right into Kim's. He looks at the guitar in the corner of the room. He misses how they were playing and singing together. He misses the smile he used to have around Kim. He misses Kim.
"Angel, please just tell me... tell me what to do," Chay can hear something heavy like a fist, hitting the wall. His heart sinks. He has decided. "Angel, I'll do everything for you. Should I kill? Should I die?"
Chay takes a deep breath, "can you... can you call me when you aren't drunk?"
There's nothing but silence on the other side of the line and then nothing but a beeping sound. Kim hung up.
☆☆☆☆☆
Two days went by without Kim calling. And then he did. Chay picks up immediately, "phi?"
"Can you open the door, angel?"
Chay bolts out of his bed faster than ever before. Kim is here? He is here?
Chay opens the door and yes, Kim is here, the phone still in his hand, his dark eyes look scared, "I'm not drunk. I promise."
Chay pulls Kim into a hug, "don't ever drink like that again, please," Chay whispers into the crook of Kim's neck.
"Angel..."
"From now on we are going through everything together, okay, p'Kim?"
