— Since Kim broke Chay's heart, things have been harder than ever. Kim thinks he is losing his mind. It's not just that he has nightmares of Chay dying or that he misses him... it's that everywhere Kim goes, he keeps seeing Chay, but that's impossible, right? —
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"No, no, Chay, no!"
Kim wakes up with a scream. He is hot and sweaty. His hands are shaking. Another nightmare. Another nightmare in which Chay died. Sometimes, Chay dies at the hands of someone else, and sometimes, like tonight, Kim is the one who kills him.
Kim groans, glancing at the bedside table, where the pills that were apparently supposed to help him to sleep stand, laughing at him... because he is so fucked up. Because breaking up with one boy got him like this. Got him on the edge of insanity. He yells in frustration, knocking the pills down. They scatter everywhere as they hit the floor. They are useless anyway, Kim thinks, getting out of bed and heading to the kitchen. He needs something to finally put him to sleep, fast.
Grabbing a bottle of vodka, Kim walks out on the balcony, leaning on the wall. He takes the first gulp and then another and another. It's pointless, everything is fucking pointless. Kim wanted to protect Chay. That was all he wanted. That's still all he wants, but now he knows, that whether Chay is with him or not, doesn't matter. The danger is still everywhere around Chay no matter what. Since Kim broke up with Chay—Chay got kidnapped three additional times! Three fucking times! When those kidnappings happened, Kim thought that he was going insane, but no, no, he wasn't. He was extremely worried, but it wasn't insanity... this is insanity! The nightmares, the constant aching feeling in his chest, his hands that feel cold all the time because they can't hold Chay, and Chay...
The hallucinations. They started about a month ago. But Kim can't be sure. He isn't sure about anything anymore. All he knows is that everywhere he goes, his eyes find Chay. But then he shakes his head and tries to look closer, but Chay isn't there anymore. And Kim gets reminded that Chay doesn't want to see him ever again. Chay wants him gone. Wants him to be erased from his memory, if not... Chay would talk to him, Chay would unblock him, but nothing... nothing at all!!! And Kim always laughs at himself because he is so fucked up, who would want to be around him? With him? Chay is so right. He is so right for ignoring Kim. That's all Kim deserves, but then... he always appears in Kim's mind and Kim can't... he doesn't know how long he can handle that without breaking down into dust.
☆☆☆☆☆
"WIK!" Kim's manager pops her head into Kim's dressing room. "The stage is yours."
Kim nods. He has to focus. He let down his biggest fan, he can't let down his other fans as well. Taking a deep breath, he makes his way to the stage. When he gets on stage, he smiles. A part of him wants it to be a genuine smile, but all he can do now is the forced smile, with so much pain behind it. Stepping in front of the microphone, he says, "today is for someone I miss more than anything."
The concert is going well. Kim keeps hitting all the high notes, lyrics are smoothly leaving his mouth, and maybe... maybe he feels a tad bit of happiness as well. There are not many songs left, and his hands are trembling as he grabs his guitar tighter, he thought about it a lot, whether to sing it or not... the song is too personal for him and Chay. And once when he finally thought he could... one glace into the audience freezes him in the spot.
No.
This can't be.
Chay.
No.
Right in the middle of the front row.
No.
Kim would notice him sooner.
No.
Impossible.
But he is there. Eyes daring Kim to do something. No. Kim shakes his head and blinks his eyes. It's just a hallucination. As always. But then Kim looks there again. Still there. Chay is still there. Smiling. Chay is smiling. But it's not the sweet, innocent smile, Kim knows. This one is cold-blooded and manipulative. Chay looks beautiful. No. No. Chay isn't there. No, he can't be. Insanity. That's what it is. Kim has gone insane. It finally happened.
He turns away from the crowd and flees the stage. He hates himself. He hates himself for disappointing all his fans, but he can't... he can't stand there and sing in front of the hallucination of his lover. Oh, how Kim wishes Chay would be his lover.
The door to his dressing room open. Kim wants to yell at whoever it is to leave, but then he freezes again.
"Ditching your fans now, huh?" Chay chuckles. "I guess I should be happy it's not just me anymore."
"C-chay," Kim voice cracks. What is happening?
"That's my name. Nice that you remember," Chay steps closer. "Did you miss me, p'Kim?" His voice is husky and sweet like honey, luring Kim in.
"Miss you every single day," Kim whispers, too afraid to speak louder.
Chay clicks his tongue, "you know what's fucking sick and twisted? That despite you breaking me into fucking pieces like I was nothing to you... I miss you too. I miss you all the time. I need you with me... all the time. Need you in my bed..." Chay grabs Kim's neck, "wanna be in my bed, phi?"
Kim whimpers like the pathetic boy he is, and Chay smirks, "of course you do..."
Suddenly, there's a sharp sting in Kim's neck, and his eyes fall shut. It takes a while for Kim to fully wake up, but when he does, it's like he is still dreaming. His hands and legs are tied to a bed, and there's Chay, sitting in front of him on a chair, eyes dark and hungry. "I was starting to think that I used too much. Welcome home, p'Kim."
"Where-where am I?" Kim's throat is dry. So dry.
"Our new place. You gonna love it," Chay smiles.
"Real. You are real."
Chay cocks an eyebrow, "what were you thinking, I was? A ghost?"
"Hallucination."
Chay laughs, "I really drove you insane. Good. So, how about you tell me, phi... did you miss me? Be honest."
Kim nods fast, too fast. His neck hurts, "Chay, I love you. I fucking love you so much. Of course, I missed you."
Chay chuckles, "so now you love me? I thought you didn't want me." Chay stands up and walks to Kim, "I thought you didn't want to keep me." He grabs Kim's head and yanks Kim's hair harshly, "but it doesn't matter because I am keeping you! Forever."
