— Chay was so happy with Kim by his side. And then Kim had to leave. For Chay, he had to leave. And Chay tried his best. For years, he fought every day to keep floating above the water. But what if he can't anymore?
tw: suicide attempt —
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~ Dear Kim, I have no idea why I'm writing this. I don't even know if you are still using this email. How long has it been? Five years? Fuck it! It's stupid pretending I don't know how long it has been. I know how long. I'm painfully aware of how long it has been because since the day you left the emptiness inside of me is getting bigger and bigger, and I don't think I can fight it for much longer anymore. You left me five years, three months, two weeks, and five days ago. I know that we have promised each other never to talk again, that it would be better for both of us but I have to talk to you one more time before I leave this fucked up world, even if it's just one-sided. I still love you.
I shouldn't have let you go. We shouldn't have broken up. Did we do it because we wanted to or was it all just my parents who pushed us to the edge because they kept nagging about how you weren't good for me, how you were the worst thing that could ever happen to me just because you aren't from the family that eats from silver plates and sleeps on silk bed sheets? What was it that broke us so much that we let each other go? We have promised. We have promised that nothing would tear us apart. And then, their words and empty threats did. And after you left, their actions did tear me apart, too. They thought that you were the worst thing for me when, in fact, you were and still are the best thing that happened to me.
Do you remember when we first met? I was walking home from school, and you hit me with your skateboard. You were going pretty fast. I still have that little scar on my hand from falling on the concrete. It became one of my favourite memories of us after you left because it's the only constant reminder, right there, on my body that you were real. That I was lucky enough to be loved by you even when I lost you in the end. You were the only person who truly understood me, the person who knew when I was feeling down just by glancing at me, the person who pushed me forward when the only thing I wanted to do was hide somewhere where no one could ever find me.
Remember when you once told me that even if one day you'll be far away, all I have to do is wish upon a star and you'll be by my side? This time, I wish upon the star not for you to be by my side but for this email to reach you. After everything, I need you to know that you kept me going for all those years, and that's more than anyone else has ever done for me. But I can't go on anymore. I'm so incredibly sorry for disappointing you like this. For turning all your hope and love, you put into me into ashes, but my life is a nightmare. Every day, I feel like a complete failure, I have no one to hold on to, to talk to, no one who would truly understand me. My parents keep making all those stupid decisions for me... they are forcing me into dates, pushing me into their family business, they even forced me into engagement once... I almost got married to someone else than you. To a woman. They keep treating my sexuality as if it were a disease. They are trying everything to "cure" me, knowing damn well none of it is for me. I feel so useless and so pathetic. People have so many worse problems than me. All I have is depression, that's not that bad, right? Who am I kidding? It is bad enough because if it wasn't I wouldn't be writing this email right now.
