point of view | A.G

Chapter 88: I wish I hated you.

Ariana

-3 months later-

Everything was so black without her. I couldn't live with myself the past few days. Her not being close to me made my heart break in million of pieces. I was a wreck and I was in a deep place where no one could get me out. No one besides Shay. But she wasn't here. She was not mine anymore. She wasn't even a part of my life anymore.

And like every day I woke up like a mess from my bad dreams. I didn't even know if I slept or just lived trough hell again. Day was hell, night was hell. Everything was HELL.

I walked into my kitchen turning on the coffee machine so I could at least drink something. I lost a lot of weight. I'm not eating because I simply didn't feel like it. Most of the time I only eat one piece of bread without anything.

Anyways

When the goodness was finally made I poured some into my Harry Potter mug and smashed myself on the couch after putting the coffee on my table.

Now comes my daily routine.

Stalking Shay.

Courtney let me use her private Instagram so I could stalk her since she blocked me EVERYWHERE. The past few months she didn't post anything so I basically gave up on getting the slightest sign of life of her. The only thing I knew was that Courtney texted sometimes with her about how she is and all.

Still no sign of her. No stories, no posts, no reels. Nothing.

I always wondered if I can come back into the world. I didn't post anything in a while. I'm getting spammed by my fans but I just can't let them see me like this. But my manager was right. It was my career and I need to go on. At least with my career. Personally I will always stay a wreck. Because Shay was my heart and she was and still is my everything and I just can't live without her. I need her so I could breathe normally. I need her so I could smile again. I need her too cheer me up and tell me that I can do it. I need her to love mer despite my mistakes. I need her to forgive me.

And if somebody wonders what happened with Dalton and I, well we broke up and blocked each other. We separated in good ways because he knew how bad in love I was with Shay.

-
iMessage:

scooter: hey Ari, look I'm texting you because I need to warn you. I know you don't feel good and that's okay but your career is on the edge. I need songs and you need to give a sign of life. People in the industry are talking too much just like the fans and their speculations. It's on you. A song till the end of the week or I'm out and you can look for a new manager. Sorry Ari but this is my job.

I sighed at his message. I knew he was right and I needed to get everything right. I needed to get my life together. And I will.

I got up from the couch and went upstairs searching through my closet what I could wear. I changed and did my hair, my make up and some little touch ups like jewelry. When I was ready I took my laptop and my notepad and started driving into the studio.

I had a very good idea getting Shay back. A very very good one.

The first thing I did when I arrived was to post an Instagram picture after being inactive for months. I was thinking about saying the right things but fuck it.

Instagram

Liked by nickiminaj, shayrianaontop, courtneychipolone and 34.930.011 others

arianagrande finally back :)

courtneychipolone we missed uuuuu
arianasbaby OMG FINALLY CANT BELIEVE IT
shayrianaontop ariiiiiiiii yeeeeeeeessssss
adoreariana where have you been bitch??
user8929348_ what's with you and Shay ;)

I didn't even read any of the comments. I needed to get started with my ideas. I started writing my thoughts and my feelings.

Pain. Devastation. Loosing control of your well being. A wreck. A lost soul.

Oh how I wish that I hate you. I wish that I started hating you for forgiving me the first time I cheated. I wish that you would hate more than anything on this world. But your soul is too kind for hating anyone. You couldn't hate anyone. Not even the biggest villain on the world, because despite him being evil, he has a heart.

I started crying and breaking down. I wish you hated me. But I still can't live without you. I know that I'm so selfish but I just can't live without Shay.

"Our shadows stands in a parallel plane" I softly sang.

I had so many mixed signals right now. So many emotions. I felt happy for having the strength to finally get out of the house. But at the same time I felt so weak because my heart was breaking every time when I thought about getting back home alone. Nobody waiting for me, nobody besides me, nobody in my bed, nobody with who I can share my food, my memories, my emotions. I was all alone.

-

Hours passed and I was already on my second champagne bottle. I was alone in the Studio so nobody cares and I feel like shit so I'm allowed to have some company with my old friend Moet Rosé.

I somehow managed to unlock my phone and clicked on Instagram where I immediately typed Shays Instagram name.

Even if Courtney said that she would kill me if I'd do this, I still opened her DM and started recording a voice message.

"Look--ahh- I'm gonna throw up and maybe I-I am a little d-drunk baby...yeah..a little. But I still love you Shay. I love so fucking much that I could always be drunk so I could bear the thought that you aren't mine..fuck there's a limit here...wai-wait."

The first voice message was sent and I started smiling proudly.

"Okay my love, here I am...I love y-you. You know that? I want you back baby I would do anything please-uh-t-text me I promise that I will make it up okay?"

Sent.

"Baby I can't live without you" I cried out.

Sent.

"My heart can't go on without y-you...Shay I need you so much I love you I beg you please unblock m-me I need- I need to hear you!" I tried to sound as sober as I could.

Sent.

I took a big sip out of my Moet bottle and cried my eyes out the whole night.

...

Arianas pop is always so depressing HAHAH