Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 105: Nightmares Come True Part 2

Every moment.... every SECOND felt like an eternity the day Nikki 'died' again, the pain...the trauma, the guilt felt even though deep down KNEW it wasn't my fault, HURT. Its hurts NOW to talk about, I'd been thru enough that day and was going thru enough.... I and my children, MY family had been through hell that day and in all the days that would follow. Really we'd had more than our fair share of trauma aka hell on and off from December 12, 1993 to January 4, 1995 and we needed and DESERVED a break.....ESPECIALLY the day Tony, James and Frankie were born and I was lost, lost with out Nikki.....STRUGGLING to hold on, and do my best to take care of my children, myself....and my heart and as I told you last time, my 'parents' showing up of ALL times the same damn fateful day I nearly lost Nikki again and to add even more insult to injury? Well, they showed up BEFORE I could see Nikki....my mind still very much in shock and you will see.... you will see......

Just when I thought I couldn't HURT any more than I already did....

I am waiting.... waiting, and everyone.... everyone is here, I feel like my heart.... god, is so battered.... that I AM. I haven't felt this lost and broken since......Nikki was dying and did from Heroin. Amara and Josephine refuse to let me go, not that I would want to let them go right now.... No one is talking, really. Occasionally words float to me here and there......and after a wee bit, Josephine breaks me out of my reverie looking horrified and breaks out of my hold and when I see WHY, I see RED....

"Of ALL fucking times...." I whisper to myself, barely containing myself....my rage.... i breathe deep and look down at my daughters, also knowing everyone is listening AND knowing they have my back, "I need you two, to be brave for daddy....and go with your uncles and Aunts, while daddy gets rid of....my parents."

Josephine looks shamed, breaking my heart....

"Hey.... it's not your fault baby, and daddy will get them for scaring you....and your sister, ok? I just want you to be safe."

"B-But you SC-scared daddy..." Josephine swallows a sob and looks angry, my frown but still that same look Nikki wears when HE is angry and I feel a pang, yet too it gives me strength knowing he is with me in this way. Before she can go, I think she reluctantly is leaving with the adults and other children.... THEY speak and I feel myself physically restrained....

"So, this is your oldest, looks just like HIM." My mother, some mother...., "The addict....and you're other one has his eyes, they both do..."

"How DARE YOU...." I hiss, giving into my anger, "After ALL this time, after I was stupid enough to reach out to you......you NEVER gave him a chance, NEVER...still are NOT. They are perfect, all my children are, and I am DAMN proud of them.... They are beautiful JUST like NIKKI. I was an addict MA!! I'm still recovering, that ain't a secret. Nikki is the best thing that ever happened to me, besides my children....my family...."

"D-Daddy.... i sorry.... they.... take me...away....and make you mad...." Josephine is VERY quickly heading into a panic attack, I ignore my parents and their baseless, tactless, hurtful.... rude ass remarks and calm Josephine. I think one of the guys.... Steven tells me Amara is safe, but I can hear her cries too.

"Hey...hey.... breathe......we need to breath honey. Look at daddy.... focus on me...." I cup her face in my hands, Tom I think was the one restraining me and let me go still staying close. She looks up at me, but sadly isn't focusing and is rapidly breathing. "Shhh.... its daddy...its ME. I wont let them take you.... I PROMISE on my life.... you didn't want this, and it's not your fault.... it's NEVER your fault. We're going thru so much....so much right now, and yes, I fear THEM....and of losing you and your brothers and sisters, but I know I am not alone....that I have YOU and your siblings and I have your mommy, right now....breathe and I promise I will find my way to you....you go be safe ok?" She calms, but the pain in her eyes.... Nikki's pain made manifest kills me.

She does end up going VERY reluctantly with Johnny and Alice to join the others and I realize now that my parents are still waiting...and that the 'bad boys' from Boston or rather Tom, Steven, and Brad are with me, and I hear in my head.... the voice of MY Honeybee and how I long for him, yet it gives me strength too.

'You chose me, you've never once given up on me...on ME. Joe, you're an amazing, beyond amazing husband and father. You're everything, everything a parent and a partner should be.... always remember that. and you give your so called 'parents' hell for me....'

I feel my self shake and those tears that haven't STOPPED since the car ride from hell.... come back in full force and I take a deep breath still hearing Nikki's voice in my head and I......, I unleash. "Oh, YOU'RE still here? Let me be clear, VERY clear.... you've never let's face it, cared for my life choices. You turned your back on me, dropped me the moment...the fucking moment I realized I had feelings for Nikki several years ago. He was an addict, so was I...an alcoholic, no one's ever truly given either of us a chance.... but without realizing it, we BOTH gave each other that chance. We got ahold on each other before we knew it. He was the only family I needed and then we had one of our own and it led to US forging bonds with OUR family. But my biggest regrets? not realizing that I loved Nikki sooner, that I let him go, but I LEARNED and am what it means to love and fight for those you love, to fight for HIM. I will choose him, save him.... over and fucking over. I don't NEED to justify myself to you...either of you. Still again, HOW DARE YOU SHOW UP NOW OF ALL TIMES....DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, TWICE...OR NEARLY LOSE? NO, DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO SEE THE PAIN IN YOUR CHILDREN'S EYES AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIX IT? TO HAVE ONE OF THEM CRUELLY TAKEN FROM YOU AND HURT?! NO. WE'VE BEEN THRU HELL TODAY ESPECIALLY AND ON AND OFF SINCE DECEMBER A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AGO.... WE NEED A BREAK......" I quit screaming, and thankfully no one disturbs us, but that is beside the point, "You're not welcome, ever...anywhere near me, my family.... I haven't even SEEN my newborn children; my husband and I AM DONE here. This will be the last time you see me, you're not my parents and if you push me, I will make no mistake get a PERMANENT restraining order. NOW GO."

I did, IMMEDIATELY get on that restraining order and they left me....and my family ALONE. And this, was the last time I would ever see them....

I fall to my knees or nearly do, but the guys prop me up.... murmuring about how my parents have left, and something about making sure someone makes damn sure they are indeed gone. I am once more in shock....it hurts.... the pain of the encounter still fresh, the grief over Nikki still fresh and my children....my children. I break down, head in my hands as the guys try and calm me.

"Man, you did something I know was hard....it was a long time coming. We got you, right now.... you need to breathe." Tom.

"This has been a hell of a day......you're not alone Joe.... breathe...." Brad.

"Nikki would be proud of you Perry, HE IS." I look at Steven feeling lost and grateful for his words at the same time, "None of this is your fault. Breathe and let's get you to your newborns and your girls and especially Nikki."

I take many deep breaths, still in tears.... closing my eyes and I finally BREATHE before I open my eyes......

Nikki, my love.... if you can hear me, I did just what you asked.... You were with me, you ARE always. I will find my way to you, to our children.... now and always....

As I said, I did immediately get on that restraining order.... still, it wasn't easy.... that feeling of grief and guilt I felt over Nikki, granted the birth.... the pain, none of it was my fault. I would learn in time......my family had been thru so much, so much. And still Nikki's coma, hit us HARD...ALL OF US. And the recovery...well in time we will get there, he did. I didn't give up on him....

As for my oldest girls? Under the special and tough to say the least conditions they were in.... we would eventually after Nikki was recovered enough decided to go back and take TIME in our Boston Property we'd before rented and that I bought or ended up buying. Amara and Josephine needed I felt to be with Nikki and I... with family. and Josephine, ended up being homeschooled after January 4, 1995, or rather she tested out. But she finished her year of school, and I can tell you, the following school year she would skip a grade. She wasn't alone, neither was I... neither was Nikki nor my other 4 precious, precious children...what mattered is we were TOGETHER.

Now, where you will see me and my oldest girls....is at last, getting to see Tony, James, Frankie and especially Nikki....

A/N: A dramatic chapter, grief...anger, and a taste of things to come. More to come soon!