Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 16: Seasons of Wither Part 2

'Victory', 'Triumph'...'back on top again', 'kicking ass and taking names', 'One of the biggest comebacks in rock 'n' roll history', as I have said countless times over the years, my year without Nikki...it meant jack shit to me. It was an all too hollow victory tour, it meant NOTHING then because Nikki was dying, and I suppose I was too in a sense. My heart, body, soul...all belonged to Nikki. I was neglecting myself, Nikki deserved me whole yet as I told Steven during that tour, and the guys too, "I can't REST until he's back in my arms, until I can SEE him again. I've realized after a lifetime of abuse, what love IS and God does it hurt yet it's what I NEED and Nikki deserves." Time passed on the road, and yet some days seemed to drag on forever, Nikki was only getting worse...it KILLED me, yet I never lost sight of HIM, always I was learning what it meant to LOVE and be a partner and where you find me, is by myself in my lonely dressing room....crying over Nikki, crying FOR Nikki and there would be a visit from an alien and I would ask him to give something to Nikki for me and the night in question that all this took place? The Tour'd started June I believe and at this point, it was August 10, 1987, and going on 8 months since I let my heart go.

I barely managed to seal the letter I wrote Nikki and I wonder when I'll ever give it to him, sealed with a kiss and oceans of tears along with a copy of the song I wrote for Nikki, 'Angel'.... somehow, some way I hope that it gets to him in time before it's too late...and the ocean is bottomless as the tears, they keep coming. Me feeling lost and wondering HOW this tour is lasting an eternity, yet time is rushing by and running out both. A knock at the door, startling me.... Brad's voice calling out to me....and the murmur of a voice that I Know, but now I can't place murmuring worriedly...

"Joe? Its Brad and I brought Mick, we wanna talk to you.... he does and I know you know what about or rather WHO it's about." Mars, its Mars.... should have known, but I DIDN'T know he was visiting Brad and God will it hurt seeing them together and so in love.

I have yet to form a response and slowly the two of them come in any way which I could use someone to talk to. I both want someone to talk to and yet want to be alone and I hear the echo of Nikki in my ear saying, 'I don't do so well alone but its all I've ever known.'

"You look so lost and tired, like you haven't slept in months really...." Mick starts finding a seat, Brad next to him and God it hurts seeing them hold hands. "---And I know it hurts seeing Brad and I together, I can see it." Mick continues pausing a moment and he is in tears and exhales shakily. "---Joe, from what Brad's told me and the vibe I'm getting, you feel lost, and that time is running out. And I've never thanked you for doing all of us, especially Nikki, a favor and that brings me to the reason for my visit, or part of the reason. He's getting worse, as you no doubt have heard and the tour, for his sake...we had no choice but to cancel the rest of it. Wasn't easy, and we haven't seen him since. He's afraid that Doc will come back to finish the job, he knows Doc is in jail and that you are the one responsible for it. His mind is very fragmented, but YOU are the one thing that is holding him together, yet it's not enough. Nikki doesn't understand his feelings, well I take it back...he DOES deep down, but he's also trying to navigate that and what will come of that bastard's trial, because THAT is coming."

I close my eyes a moment before sobbing out, "He's. He's so scared and.... i should have killed that son of a bitch for Nikki! We NEED each other, that I am coming to learn. I don't know what the fuck I am doing, and all I DO know is I can't rest until I SEE him again, till he's back in MY arms. This...this is all my fault! I d-didn't know I was in love with him until he ran from me 8 months ago, he said I couldn't love him...that's NOT true, its not...he did better about heroin when I was around. He did.... i...i.... didn't KNOW THAT love would hurt so much. When he left, he took my heart and my light with him and every time I close my eyes, I see darkness.... i see his death and he's so far from me, so very far."

"Joe please, its NOT your fault. It's NOT. Don't give up, don't. I know you won't, and I can't really imagine how much it hurts. This is part of what love IS, doing whatever it takes for your partner, damn the risk to yourself." Brad's words are TRUE and painful both to me.

"Perry Nikki only talks about you....to himself a lot, but what little sleep he DOES get.... he talks about you; how sorry he is.... how he needs you, and the look in his eyes when someone mentions your name...that spark, is still there....and he doesn't realize. I know you have a lot in common with Nikki, with your pasts.... Nikki's especially is dark; he hallucinates you too. I've caught him I don't know how many times. The point is you need each other...you do. There is something too you should know, Deana has been sniffing around." My blood freezes and boils both at these words.

"That Bitch belongs behind bars and THAT'S me bein' polite." I snarl before resuming my sobs, "Nikki doesn't deserve that, he doesn't....and Mars? I need you to do something for me...." I handed him the letter I wrote Nikki and the taped copy of the 'Angel' single. "Tell Nikki these are from me, that I still love him...that I am learning what that truly means, and I will do whatever it takes for him to see that." Mick promises to do so, and after a while I find myself in my lonely hotel room, in the shower and even that reminds me of Nikki...of that night he had that terrible night terror and I comforted him....

What I didn't know then is that Nikki indeed did get the letter and the tape, and he KEPT them. he couldn't bring himself then to read the letter nor listen to the single, that wouldn't happen until after his 'death'.....'lucky' me the tour ended for Aerosmith not long after this night....Nikki would spiral more, and I would confront Deana and get Nikki justice there and where you find me, is my nightmare about Nikki becoming a reality but first, I want to share with you the letter I wrote my husband, which eventually would come to be framed.... hanging above our bed:

Nikki,

Baby there is so much I wanna say to you that I have no clue where to begin, but I'll give it a shot. I miss you, every moment of everyday...it's YOU that's on my mind. I can't rest until I see you again, I am scared no lie...scared of losing you all over again. You're dying baby, and it kills me....and I know exactly how that feels. I did LIE to you, and I hope to God, you can forgive me. I overdosed on Heroin once, my heart stopped. It's scary...it's painful....

If you go, I can only follow you. You said I couldn't love you, but Nikki you're wrong. I realized too late that I loved you, I love you STILL. All of this is so new to me, I don't know what I am doing a lot of the time, but I do know is I would do ANYTHING for you. I know what pain is, being abused.... I've been there pretty much my whole life. You're not used goods Nikki; you don't deserve any of what you've suffered and still are. I've come to realize that YOU are everything to me, I am still always learning. Just know baby that no matter what, I love you.

My heart, my soul...my mind....my body and light will always belong to you.

All my love,

Anthony Joseph Perry

P.S. you were right about so Much Nikki, you were, and it would have been better coming from me and I SWEAR to you, I will find my way to you and never let you go.

A/N: A meeting, a letter, and some news. Next chapter sadly, Joe's nightmare will come true, but in time things will perhaps change for the better.