Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 22: Road to Recovery & Redemption Part 3

I find myself waking with a start, out of it until I realize I am laying in my bed.... the room dark and I assume it's the middle of the night. However, that shit doesn't matter, what matters is Nikki...I need to check on him, it kills me not having him in my arms, but I just want to do this at Nikki's pace. I just want him to be comfortable and then déjà vu hits and before I can even move, and I hear two things: One, I hear the creak of the door. Two, I hear the unmistakable sound of tears, tears that not only break my heart, but I feel them in my own eyes and three, softly so quietly and tearfully I nearly don't hear it....

Nikki says to me, stammering. "J-Joe.... Joe.... you...awake?"

"Nikki? I'm awake...w-what's wrong baby?" My dream has come to life, but unlike the dream, I find myself getting out of bed. Nikki frozen in place, and I take him into my arms, him clinging to me sobbing now.

"I...I...didn't mean to...wake you! I just.... just couldn't sleep. I had nightmares....and...and I didn't wanna hurt you!" Nikki rushes his words, but I hear him loud and clear.

I held him tightly, gently running my hands up and down his back trying to soothe him.

"Nikki, you didn't wake me and even if you had...that don't fucking matter, you need me." And it comes to me, realizing EXACTLY why Nikki is upset because I feel the same way and I should have seen that sooner, so I am still learning when it comes to him, to us. "—Nikki, Baby I understand believe me you. I know exactly how you feel, scared....and you can't sleep, because.... You need to be in my arms where you belong. You fear if you let go of me, I'll disappear. You're just all around scared to lose me, scared of what you are going thru, what you've been thru.... I've been there, I AM there. Ever since that night...." My voice cracks and I give into tears, "---That I found you, that you died.... I always find myself waking up, checking to make sure you are still here, still alive. If I don't SEE you, touch you...it kills me, makes me panic. I have nightmares, of that night.... shit I wish to God my mind wouldn't entertain, of losing you, what would happen if I hadn't have gotten there in time....and, I realize too.... the 'hurting' me goes back to the night we had sex, and you had that night terror. Nikki, let me tell you...I need you to know, you can't control what happens when you are in a nightmare, trapped or what happens when you come out of it. You don't hurt me on purpose, I know you'd NEVER. Though...it's easier said than done, and when I said I wanted you to stay with me.... I meant that, I do mean it. I mean..." I fumble for words, "I wanted to hold you in my arms, I miss that...I miss your sleeping beside me, the way your head resting in the crook of my neck feels, or the way you feel on my chest. I just.... wanted...want, to do whatever makes you comfortable. To make you happy."

Nikki only holds me tighter and we stay like this for some time, it doesn't matter how long until finally, he pulls back only enough to look at me.... green eyes murky from tears, him still in my hold.

"We need each other....and, God.... I've missed being in your arms. I didn't...think, not like I should have of how you felt. I mean.... Look, we're still learning, right? Like how to be honest and open? To be a couple? And like tonight, this is part of it?"

"We do" I agree, "and yes to all your questions Nikki. and together, we will heal one another, to work on things. I am always learning, no one is perfect and that's ok. We will do this together and take on whatever challenges come our way. And I do what I do for you, and its no trouble...like tonight, I do it all because I love you."

"I love you too Anthony Joseph Perry so much and you are right, its hard....to believe, but I am not alone in this..." Nikki yawns hugely.

"Let's get some sleep huh?" I caress his cheek, him tiredly nuzzling my palm.

"Ok.... first, I need kisses and I need to cuddle...." the following words, or should I say pet name, blew me away...it hit me hard, in a good way. You'll see. "-With my Jo-Jo bear."

I gape at him a moment and then I find myself smiling thru my tears, stunned in a good way. "Jo-Jo bear...I love it. I've never had a pet name before."

"It just came to me..." Quietly.

"Well, I love it, you can call me that as much as you want...." And then it comes to me, a pet name for Nikki, "If I am you're jo-jo bear...you Nikki can be my honeybee."

Nikki's eyes widen in shock, yet I can tell he's touched. "No one's ever called me something so nice...given me such a loving name. i love it.... honeybee." These words are punctuated by another yawn and Nikki had asked for kisses, so I give him kisses until I scoop him up in my arms, carrying him to bed and then I find myself lying with my lover in my arms, the honeybee to my 'jo-jo bear'.

Nikki is laying with his head on my chest and though I am tired, I can't yet sleep, and I think Nikki's asleep until I hear....

"Joe?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I love you Jo-Jo bear."

"I love you too Honeybee." I savor those words; I savor the feeling. Moments later, Nikki's breathing evens out and deepens. I soon follow suit, falling into sleep my arms, my heart entwined with the man I love.

The night Nikki came up with my pet's name, during those wee hours of New Years Eve, 1987? It was everything. I'd never had someone care enough or love me enough to call me something so precious. Only Nikki and Nikki had ever done that for me. And I did the same for him, gave him something priceless by my calling him 'Honeybee'. More than that, during those wee hours.... We voiced our fears, opening to each other even more. I could only fall more in love with Nikki....

New Years came....and Nikki and I kissed at midnight, watching the ball drop on tv. Well, more like watching each other. and then came something that hit both Nikki and I hard, how quickly the days passed into the New Year and how fast they led to Nikki and his band going into rehab. Nikki was scared, so scared...so was I, we hated to be apart from one another though we both knew how much it was needed. I took care of him; he took care of me. We to this day can never forget that, and still, we do such to this day. Rehab would change both our lives forever and it turns out in a very good way, because it would be there Nikki would become pregnant with our first child. Things were scary once that happened, for poor Nikki especially but we got through that, and we did it together and well you will see what happens. I will tell you; it brought us even closer together and as I have said so many times.... We were still learning how to be a couple. How to care for each other....

Where you will next find us is January 10, 1988...the day my husband then lover standing outside the rehab facility and you will see soon enough, I will tell you...you it was very emotional....

A/N: Sharing fears, pet names and more. Next chapter the first of at least 2 parts, with Nikki entering Rehab with the rest of the Crϋe and of course Nikki and Joe moments. Stay tuned!