Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 108: Echoes of Heart & Mind

I couldn't do it.... i just fucking COULDN'T. There was no damn way, I could drive the car home, seats still covered with Nikki's blood. Plus, Amara and Josephine didn't need to see that. So, I found us another way home, where there are more cars to be had, more car seats for the triplets.... but now.... now I am standing still, struck by the echoes of my husband, echoes that are everywhere.... In my heart, his presence in our house and the echoes of his face.... his voice, just HIM in Josephine....in my youngest daughter: Frankie. I can feel the tears once again, my mind still reeling and I can hear the tears of my eldest daughters....and God, is this all-fucking heart breaking.

"D-Daddy?" Josephine stammers tearfully, breaking me out of my reverie and she is holding on to Amara, her gaze burns thru me, and I see and hear my Nikki, "—I f-feel it too, mommy.... mommy is everywhere." Echoing my thoughts perfectly, oh Honeybee we all miss you so damn much. It feels like a lifetime since.... again, I THINK it was this morning and I hear you now in my head once again, 'I miss you when we're apart, but like you once told me Joe.... i have YOU and so neither of us will ever be alone again. I can never truly express what that means to me, what you Joe mean to me. same goes for all our children.'

I hug both Amara and Josephine to me, grounding me.... they are grounding me, and Josephine aka Nikki's clone was the catalyst, and I pull myself together enough to ask both my little bee's, "So do you want daddy to make you something? Or we have leftover pasta that's still good..." Amara cuts me off....

"Weft (left) ober (over) pasta daddy.... its mommy favwite." Her little lips tremble, and so do Josephine's, trying to NOT cry more even more so.

"H-Hey...." I practically whisper, "Both of you.... you don't ever have to hide how you feel, let...let it all out, at least we're together and mommy knows we're thinking about him and your brothers and sister.... i know.... god, do I know how hard it is."

I want you Nikki......I need you.... i need our newborns......i wish you could see us now, but then again maybe you can. No, I KNOW you can in your way. I fuckin' love your way, I just love you.

Soon enough I manage, or rather we manage to for now dry our tears though the air is tinged with sadness, with longing but most of all: love. Love for one another.... I reheat the pasta, Nikki's favorite I make just as Amara wanted. I also include another family favorite: cucumber salad as a side.... again, another tribute to Nikki. and we talk about him, the good times.... just him and the triplets and it feels like Nikki is sitting right by my side thru it all....

After everyone eats enough, baths are taken at least for the girls. Amara especially needed one, since she made the biggest mess.... God, do I miss those messes with all five of my children. Nikki does too, but now we get those precious messes with our grandchildren, and I wouldn't trade those messes then or NOW for the world.

I call the hospital after the girls get their baths, hoping for a miracle.... sadly, very much so still no change with Nikki, though they tell me it looks like he's crying in his sleep which HURTS like a mother fucker to hear. Tony, James, and Frankie who are in the NICU are thankfully responding well to Oxygen and are doing as well as they can be, and they even had their first baths....

Which brings us to now, me downstairs with my oldest girls.... a Disney movie put in and none of us are paying attention, just cuddling together and talking about of course Nikki and the triplets and Josephine blows me away with the following....

"Daddy? I was thinkin', mommy always say your sweatshirts make him feel safe and are magical. Could make the old ones into a blanket for mommy to keep him safe and warm?"

"I think.... oh sweetheart, that would be perfect. Mommy will love that." I reply choked up. "And.... i think there's enough to have some baby blankets made for Tony, James and Frankie too, I think mommy would love that."

"Wat bout' bears an' cute cothes (clothes) pecial' ones for babies?" Amara asks, little eyes wide, sleep filled and the longing for her mother all combined. Again, those echoes.... those echoes.

"You mean custom one's princess?" A little nod.

"Wes."

I hmm, tearfully in thought for a moment before replying with, "Those are wonderful ideas Amara, daddy has some things in mind."

That's exactly what we/I ended up doing.... right away, I remember that so well. I collected my old sweatshirts, ones I wore late to mid-80s and of course going into the 90's to make Nikki's blanket, to make the ones for the triplets. And there were so many ideas, that were come up with. I had special custom 'beach' themed bears made, the idea to mimic Nikki's spot...or our spot as you have come to know. I was like a man possessed back then, hoping all those things would distract me from my pain. I slept little while Nikki was in his coma. I had horrible nightmares, my oldest daughters did too. But then, I remember.... that we still had each other, and I would think of all my children and Nikki, and I would manage to ground myself, well somewhat. I struggled, not gonna lie. But I kept my promises to Nikki, to my children to never ever give up on them.

Time passes and its time to put the girls to bed, Amara fighting sleep BAD and wailing for Nikki, breaking my heart. Josephine goes to her room, and I swear I hear her sobs......and I will go to her....

"Shh.... Princess, I know you want mommy.... i do too. Its hard....so hard. Especially at night to be without him. I know you're worried, scared.... i am too. Mommy I swear on my life is dreaming about us all, and he is ALIVE...alive. We will see him tomorrow and tonight, when we sleep, we will see him there in our dreams. Remember we have each other, we need each other, and daddy is gonna take care of you, your sisters and your brothers."

Gradually she calms, in my arms and drifts off to sleep. I tuck her in to her toddler bed, her clutching at her Jo-Jo Angel Bear tightly. I kiss her forehead with out waking her, lingering before heading to Josephine's room and I hear those sobs.... those echoes, Nikki's pain.... manifested in her. Slowly I open the door, calling out its me and she jerks her head up.... i blink and she's in my arms, clinging to me with all her might sobbing into my chest, as I try and soothe her and myself both.

"Just let it out.... let it out Josephine. It....it sadly, and I know all too well it hurts more at night. this.... this reminds me of when.... i nearly lost mommy for good the first time, of when we were apart.... but I never, I never stopped fighting till he was in my arms. Till he was safe, healed and loved....and I ain't stopping that now."

"D-Daddy......daddy...." Is all she manages to get out.

"Shh, little bee I know.... I know." I take a deep shaky breath and start humming 'Angel', and gradually Josephine calms and so do I.......

I stayed with Josephine until she fell asleep, I got the feeling she wouldn't sleep much or well at all and it is later in the night, after I had taken a shower managing to finally drift off for a bit, that I would have a nightmare where I would wake up screaming.....screaming Nikki's name and well as always you will see....

A/N: A bitter-sweet, emotional.... tough, you name it chapter. Brace yourself for the next one. More to come soon.