Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 33: Heart & Soul

I remember, God how I remember how it killed me to see Nikki so down...so sad, in such pain the day we arrived home. He started having nightmares again that night, however unlike the night we first had sex.... he didn't deck me, and it wouldn't have fucking matter if he had. Anyway, he KNEW I was touching him in his sleep and so he'd calm, waking up crying and clinging to me and I comforted him, just held him, and didn't let go and to this day I never have. And where you will find us, is 3 days later and Nikki had barely spoken to me though I could tell it meant so much to him, that I was THERE and that I understood and where you will find him...us.... well, you'll see....

One more thing to perhaps satisfy your curiosity on Doug and all we learned on April 3, 1988: Yes, there was a trial and sadly it would happen mere days before I headed to England with Aerosmith to play that festival....yes, it made the news...and I especially would get Nikki justice with help from the Aero-Mӧtley Family, but we all made sure that Nikki would not be in the same room as Doug and in fact gave testimony and sworn statements directly to the judge, our lawyers present and Karma man she was a major bitch for Doc and THAT is me being polite.....

3 days, that we've been home, and my poor Honeybee has barely spoken to me and has had nightmares. I don't know what to do except to be his support and just be there for him in any way he needs. Still, it kills me to see him so sad, so down and we haven't truly, Nikki especially been able to have true down time. Currently, I am taking a tray of food up to Nikki, A Zupa Toscana made with potatoes, sausage, kale.... spicy, light and hearty along with crusty bread, spread with an eggplant caponata and something to drink.

A rough night, Nikki leaving the bed last night me finding him in the studio playing his bass, and so I let him...then carrying him back to our bed where he promptly had a bout of morning sickness. He cried, feeling guilty.... I assured him he had NOTHING to feel guilty about. I worked out this morning while Nikki was sleeping after going back to bed and I hurried to be with Nikki, taking care of him and our baby. I would give anything to see him smile....

Its late afternoon, and I blink, and I find myself upstairs outside our bedroom door, heart heavy for what my lover is going thru, laden too with Nikki's food and I nudge open our bedroom door and to my surprise, I find Nikki in bed talking to our unborn child, cradling his stomach and my eyes widen and fill with tears at his words:

"I feel guilty I've barely talked to your daddy the past few days....and too, this is the first time I've REALLY talked to you sweetheart, and I am SO sorry for that, and see? That brings me back around to daddy, I've had nightmares again AND still he's there. I can never get over that, it means so damn much. He's ALWAYS been here for me, especially now.... I've been hurt so much, so SAD for so long like here lately especially and he does what ever he can to make me feel better, to take care of me...and you. He loves the US, ME unconditionally. I NEVER thought that something like that existed, that I would be HERE and that I would EVER be in love...so in love. We love you; daddy is so excited to meet you and so am I, he and you are everything to me. he UNDERSTANDS me."

I make noise, crying.... can't help that and Nikki looks up at me and before he can say anything else I tell him, "Honeybee...I heard every word, every beautiful word. And you have nothing at ALL to feel guilty about, as much as it hurts me to see you in pain and sadness, I UNDERSTAND. I would do anything for you, anything and the same goes for our baby.... now, I made you something to eat and drink and then you need to rest some more, you look tired still." At this point, I carefully join Nikki in bed, helping him with the tray...he takes a deep appreciate sniff and looks at me with a look filled with such pure emotion, pure love that it takes my breath away...

"I love you SO much, I don't know what I'd do without you. I wouldn't even be HERE if it wasn't for you."

"As I love you Nikki....no lie." Softly. Nothing more is said, we don't need words as Nikki digs in and before long is done and I set the tray aside and join my lover in bed, him burrowing into my warmth.... they feel, how NIKKI feels....it feels like home as too our hands rest on his stomach housing our child.

"Jo-Jo bear, can we talk?"

"Course we can, about anything." I assure Nikki.

"Do you remember the night we met?"

I think back to that night, reminiscing before replying, "How could I EVER forget? I was pretty fucking rude as you told me, we were rude to each other. it wasn't a good meeting, but.... I was struck by your eyes, by you and I didn't fully SEE you know.... what did you think of me?"

"The feeling was mutual that night, still.... you were also pretty fucking HOT, I mean I ain't that blind. You I swear get sexier with age.... Still, it changed my life forever that night...and then our next meeting, I'd NEVER had any more stand up for me like you did. I was so USED to thinking my screams would never be heard, that I was worthless. That's all I'd ever known." Nikki sighs tearfully, "Then we started hanging out and I did Heroin less, not seeing.... scared, confused what it all MEANT and there was our first date, me educating you LA style, and for a night I forgot everything but YOU. Then came our sex marathon, my night terrors.... You comforted me, you showed tenderness and neither of us realized. I was LOST, and without you...when I let you go, I was lost even further...still Joe, you realized your feelings and eventually we found our way back to each other and it led to THIS...US, this moment. Every moment, I breathe is a gift because OF YOU...and you're......no we are gonna be parents, its everything to me."

"Oh NIKKI...." I whisper overcome with emotion. "YOU are my gift, you and now our baby. I love you so much Honeybee."

"WE love you both too, Jo-Jo Bear." Nikki murmurs sleepily and moments later he's asleep and I am never gonna let him go, he's in MY arms where he belongs, where he always will belong.

I've never known until Nikki such feelings, the things I have felt since I met him existed much less never could have dreamed of such things. The thing is, this...the man lying here in my arms, sleeping carrying OUR child...is the greatest dream come true.

I dread here before long, in June going to play that festival for a few days. I can't stand the thought of being without Nikki, without him in my arms even for a short time will feel like an eternity yet we are always together, our hearts forever entwined......

Where you will next find Nikki and I here in our love story, a bit of time will have passed, rehearsals for the festival will be underway, and well you will see, I don't wanna give everything to come away just yet.

A/N: Some tender love and care, exactly what Nikki needs and deserves. More to come soon!