Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 61: My Lover's Heroin Diaries Part 2

A/N: Diary Entries are Nikki's POV

Nikki has his face buried in my chest now, shaking. We'd just checked on Josephine, who is still sleeping away so peacefully. I too am in much the same state Nikki is in; scared, heartbroken, hurt. This....my reading his 'Heroin Diaries' is so hard on us both, so very hard and Nikki even more so.

"Babe, I know..." pushing past my own emotions, because he needs me even though I too am hurting. "---It hurts, God does it hurt. But you...you need me, and I don't have to keep reading.... I don't want to hurt you anymore by doing this.... I..."

Nikki cuts me off shakily, trying to calm breathing me in, "Joe.... you're hurt too...and it fucking sucks reliving all this, but.... I just feel like I need to do this. I'm not alone, neither are you. I love you, and I trust you so much....so much."

"I love you too baby, and you don't know what it means to me...that you trust me so much." I whisper, kissing him before then grabbing his diary....us clinging to one another as I continue to read......there were other entries after I read my husband's views on our first date, and learning what I didn't know about Doc, how he felt about me then....how I was closed off, that he didn't know much about me, how I avoided certain topics...that he felt I kept him at arm's length at times, his frustrations in the studio and the physical and psychological horrors he experienced and god, did my heart fucking break for him....and it hurt, but how I used to be, I'd felt he wasn't wrong....but my over all point is, I could tell as confused as he was, him not realizing his feelings that he CARED for me, he loved me....and another particular entry caught my eye as you will see....

-Nikki's Diary Entry, October 24, 1986-

Joe's been avoiding me, or he had been. I get it, I mean who'd the fuck wanna stick around me? But then there was this voice in my head, that told me otherwise, that something was wrong. But yeah, my showing Joe around LA...it was, I mean I let go, yet still feared Doc's wrath, Doc's been on my ass. I have more bruises, punished yet again. He found out I'd been hanging out with Joe, and they hurt. I HURT. And I've been drawing ever closer to the edge. And that was earlier today, shot up in a bathroom.... Doc gave me my punishment fix as he calls it.

I ran, I fucking ran and then Joe finds me, shows up out of nowhere and I snap at him, feeling a little guilty and I realized he was in tears. I found myself asking what happened, he told me Doc threatened him and Joe beat the crap out of his lead singer, and I lost it, crying like a fucking baby, telling him how sorry I was. I rambled, rambled about how Doc hurts me, and I wanted to FORGET. I wanted to feel, and I kissed Joe like it was my last, till we parted for breath, and I wanted him, NEEDED him and so, we got the fuck out of there and headed to a hotel. Both of us riding on a razor's edge.

And I can't get it out of my head, how he looked at me....and I don't think he knows, I know I don't. but I know I need him; I want Anthony Joseph Perry...for him to make me forget it ALL.

-Nikki's Diary Entry (October 25-26, 1986)-

The whole ride to the hotel, Joe and I kept glancing at one another....and upon arriving at the hotel he checked us in for a night or two, though I'd end up leaving him at some point.... alone once again, I don't do so well alone....in the dark.

But ah yeah, Joe and I....in the elevator up to our room, we made out heavily....my lungs were burning for air, I touched everywhere I could reach. So, did he, then when we HAD to part for breath and then about that time, the elevator stopped. Go fucking figure, but Joe...Joe had other more PLEASUREABLE IDEAS. I pinned him against the wall, then his strength surprising me though it shouldn't have reversed it, his leg rubbing me in a special place...him holding my arms above my head, me at his mercy and I had to have MORE. Though he couldn't know, it also terrified me for obvious reasons.... next thing I know, his clothes are off and damn did I love what I saw, then I was naked, and he like I drooled and before I knew it, my legs wrapped around his waist him holding me up.... he ended up fucking me up the wall, me kissing anywhere I could reach. The elevator was so HOT, and I could only scream in pleasure, vaguely wondering why it didn't hurt like it always had and without warning at some point, he withdrew briefly, and I was on all fours as he re-entered me from behind and I let GO, painting the wall of the elevator. God, did I hate when he withdrew, feeling a loss.... Our night was far from over, the elevator started again, and he carried me after we got dressed to our room and we had a marathon if you will. I couldn't get enough and for a time, for a perfect HOT moment I forgot...

At some point we fell asleep, and I as always fell into my nightmares and after I don't know how long, I woke up screaming....out of it, not knowing where I was....scared, backing into the corner like a frightened animal and then....i swung, hitting someone...something, more than once and it was Joe....and somehow, after a while I came back to myself somewhat realizing I had hurt him and I didn't mean too, and I thought...thought he would be pissed, but he wasn't....i broke down, he although seeming unsure of what he was doing grounded me, NO ONE had ever done that. I felt so damn guilty I decked him twice, leaving such big bruises. But then, Joe surprised me even more.... he suggested a shower, and next thing I knew.... He was holding me, my head resting in the crook of his neck. He just held me, why didn't it hurt? And WHY do I feel, or did I feel so fucking confused?

Yet without realizing it, he calmed me...and I found myself placing kisses along his jaw, carefully and we eventually went back to bed and STILL HE HELD ME. it scared me....it scared me.....and I left him, I left him a note and I ran, I ran like I always do and Doc, that fucker found me, I think he had me followed but he seemed not to know just what I'd spent my night doing....

I got a bad feeling, and all I really know is happy endings are never meant for me and I had to go and prove after my sex marathon what a worthless junkie I am.

But then my mind, my thoughts keep going back to Joe Perry. WHY did I feel safe with him, why did he make me feel better? JUST WHY?

-end of entry-

My mind was swimming in pain.... remembering the past, his past....my past, and the worst year of our lives. My heart-breaking reading how he suffered, with things I knew, things I learned and still there is more to come here in our tale of my reading my husband's Heroin Diaries Entries. However, this would only serve to deepen my love for my husband, our love for each other....it would only serve to bring us closer together. And despite mine and his pain, reliving everything on that Christmas night.... We were TOGETHER, we were not alone and never would be again. Truly I only loved my husband more for sharing with me his deepest darkest moments. And one more thing, we both knew that night we wouldn't sleep, we tried. Josephine needed us, but I will go ahead and tell you, Mick called....he wanted to check in, he knew....we told him and he demanded to take our daughter, so Nikki and I could have our time together, time we needed though it killed us to do so, wanting and feeling our daughter came first...that she was more important and we felt guilty. But really Mick was right in saying, "You have nothing to feel guilty about. She knows how much you and Nikki love her, you're amazing parents...never doubt that. and I bet anything she understands. You guys will get thru this, and we...ALL of us got your fucking back."

A/N: Part 2 is done, more to come with part 3 here soon. So, stay tuned!