Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 103: Our Girls Are Home Part 3(Nikki Perry-Sixx)

Images flash before my eyes, images that SCARE me: My overdose, seeing Joe scream for me, scream for me to come back to him......I see me losing him, losing everyone I told dear, that I LOVE and the worst images of all come:

The images are blurred, distorted but I can SEE blood.....lots of blood, I hear Joe shouting for me to wake up, to stay awake....i hear and see a blurred image of a baby, one of the triplets....and I don't hear their cry....the feeling of being cut.....me seeing myself lying there covered in blood, flatlining and then strange images follow:

The baby, it turns out my daughter that I didn't hear cry.... I see her, alive but she'd had a cord, wrapped around her neck.... seems she's ok, all three of my babies are.... Joe a mess, losing me all over again.... fearing that this time would stick. I see him cling to our oldest and very frightened girls....

I see my husband, crying talking to me but I can't.... can't respond....

"Nikki PLEASE.... BABE WAKE UP.... ITS OK, I'M HERE...." I know that's the voice, I love more than any others...

I feel frightened, I feel my children with in me kicking about in protest.... i feel tears and I feel myself screaming and I feel arms wrapped around me as best they can......they feel, they feel like SAFTEY.... i know, these arms.... i know I do....

"Nikki, NIKKI.... BREATHE.... baby, I feel you tremble......you gotta calm down NOW for you and the babies.... shh...."

"H-Hard..." I manage to get out.

"Oh babe...." A sob, "—I know it is...." I feel one hand drift down to rub urgently and gently my stomach, the babies starting to calm and the other.....NOW, I feel my head resting in the crook of a neck and I SMELL....

Sandal Wood.... Roses......

I feel my eyes widen, knowing now its JOE, JOE that means that feeling of safety, its him.... its him, calming me......i close my eyes breathing him in and I at last begin to calm.

"I am proud of you Nikki.... keep breathing, you're doing so well....so well." Joe's voice is very soothing and after a bit, I begin to calm but then feel shamed hanging my head as a quick glance, confirmed two frightened little girls were huddled together, in the door way and I woke everyone up......Joe of course realizes, especially since I start getting upset again and soothes our children and ME or TRIES, "---Nikki, you have NOTHING to feel ashamed of. I KNOW you didn't want or mean to wake everyone up AND moreover, you can't help what happens amid or coming out of a nightmare. I can assure you that...."

I cut my husband off, "It's NOT OK.... They're scared.... because of ME. They're c-crying and upset, and....and, I HATE this. I...."

This time I am the one being cut off, Joe's worried and tear-filled voice firm, "Nikki STOP. Get out of your head...." His tone softens, tilting my face up gently to where I am looking into his eyes, "---I can't lie to you, I have the same fears. I feel helpless because no matter how much I want to, I can't take away the pain, but I promise, PROMISE I will do whatever I can to TRY....to be your rock. I know you hate this; I can tell you that I very much love you and Look...." Joe gestures to our daughters, who approach me automatically hugging me, despite how frightened I can tell they still are, "---How much they love you, despite their own fears. You hurt, we hurt Nikki.... We're a family. Now let's get you back in bed and the girls, ok?"

I exhale raggedly, shivering from my nightmare and the nightmares that I know will come once I fall asleep yet feeling lost and found at the same time, for I SEE and feel how very loved I am and especially at this moment.

What the hell would I DO with out Joe? Without our children? And I KNOW I'll never have to find out. He's right, so right......i am not having to go thru this alone. He feels just as helpless and scared as I do....as I do. Vaguely aware now, I am being helped/carried to the bathroom.... doing my business.... i can't speak right now....i feel Tony, James and Frankie kick me gently them knowing how much I need it, and how it makes me FEEL. I don't wanna lose this, lose them.... lose ANY of my 5 children, unborn or otherwise....

Back in bed again, worried murmurs, gentle touches.... two little voices protesting going to bed mixed in with the Boston based accent I love and know so well......and NOW, I feel.... coming back to myself....

"Mommy?" Josephine asks, as I realize she and Amara are on either side of me, Joe with them, all of us cuddled together....and I carefully pull my oldest girls to me, "—I really scared cause you scared, but we family like daddy say....and..." Here she looks at me in tears, breaking my heart, "—Is this my fault cause I have nightmares too?"

"Oh HONEY.... it's NOT your fault, it's not so don't ever say that." I sigh, "You're a lot like me. You are right, we are family......we don't have to go thru this alone. This is hard on us all, especially on me.... but it's worth it. It will be, I would suffer, die, live for you and your sister, for daddy.... over and over. I have what I have always dreamed, a loving family and partner. Still, you can't.... I can't help how I feel."

"Mommy pecial'!" Amara declares albeit sleepily and I can't help but chuckle at her cuteness AND I am so damn touched.

"Let's get two very sleepy girls back into bed and get mommy some more rest...." Joe starts...

"Daddy, we have story please?" Amara begs along with Josephine.

"OK, we can do that...." Joe meets my gaze, his eyes knowing and filled with such love it takes my breath away....

Joe tells the story, heavily edited about the night we had sex.... he tells about my night terror, how he didn't know what he was doing or so he felt, but still he comforted me, and Joe tells the story, me adding in about Josephine's night terrors and our advice to her, "Before you fall asleep, think of the things you love. Think of the good things, and if you need us, we will be there always."

I think I dozed off for a bit, but God still so sleepy and I start panicking realizing I don't see my daughters, before I DO see my concerned husband who eases my fears and takes me in his arms as best he can, grounding me.

"You fell asleep before I finished telling the girls a story, I got them to go back to sleep but not before they gave you hugs and kisses and told you they loved you."

I exhale in relief, "Thank you..." I murmur, "For everything...." I feel the onset of tears, "—You're an amazing father and husband, beyond amazing. I love you."

"I love you too Honeybee, so much and THANK YOU. I could argue much the same, you are a beyond amazing partner and mother, and I am so proud of you....to be YOURS. Now sleep babe, I will be right here with you."

"Jo-Jo Bear...." And my husband, so in tune with me knows.

"What if you see those terrible nightmares again? Nikki, I will be there in your dreams, be here with you in my arms by my side and like we told our daughter, before you sleep think of all that you love." A gentle caress of my face, those beloved lips on my own and then.... then, I close my eyes and think of my loves....

I would still have many rough nights and that's being polite to come as far as nightmares go. It would get harder, to move....to breathe, still I had my husband, my Joe and my family...they were my rocks, there was still so much love, and laughter, even thru the tears....

And God, the tears.... well, they would really flow for what's coming.... the birth of Tony, James and Frankie. The point or a point of all this, is this would bring Joe and I even closer together.... making our bond, our love stronger than steel.... fucking unbreakable.

A/N: Poor Nikki, thankfully he has Joe and his oldest children and the family at large they've made to get him through this. and next chapter I think I will do a bit of time skip to the birth of the triplets....