Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 27: The Call of 'Dr. Feelgood.'

As I have always said, I was always learning and striving to be the best partner I could be, that Nikki deserved and of course that started in 87' and never really stopped. 88' was another test/learning experience for Nikki and me, which only served to deepen our understanding and bonding of one another. It wasn't easy, it was PURE torture a lot of times being apart, especially having to fight to see one another because our record company wanted us to capitalize our momentum, and this was especially true when my husband then lover was starting to show signs of his pregnancy with our first child in March of 88. To be a bit more exact, Nikki and co left rehab around March 15, 1988, and were given 3 mere days. 3 damn days before having to convene in Canada to record what would become a megahit for Mӧtley, 'Dr.Feelgood' and I won't give EVERYTHING away....so you will come to see and where you will find us or rather Nikki my beloved Honeybee and I is together in that apartment in Canada me worrying over Nikki.....and before my brief departure of a roughly a week or so before I came back to my lover and of course, I called every day and sent letters as well. Nikki brought the 'Jo-Jo Bear' I'd gotten him and my sweatshirts. Now for the call of Dr. Feelgood...

I am really concerned about Nikki especially the past few days, barely any turn around/down time before he and his band were released from rehab and sent to Canada, it now being March. I digress, Nikki hasn't talked to me at all, looks fearful now and is so pale. It kills me, because I don't know what's going on and I feel like I am doing something wrong.... Right now, Nikki is weeping in my arms, refusing to look at me and I am doing my best to comfort my lover despite my own tears.

"N-Nikki.... PLEASE.... talk to me honeybee. I Can't help you if I don't know what's wrong baby. Did...did I do something?" My voice dropping to a whisper, heart feeling as if it's tangled in knots and breaking both. I often felt like this when Nikki and I became a couple or a more official couple. Really though, it was a hold over...always fearing I did something wrong due to my past abusive partners ESPECIALLY Elyssa my ex-wife....

"I am worried about you..." I try again to talk to Nikki, to comfort him...get a response, still he refuses to budge. I take a deep shaky breath, feeling myself shake along with Nikki who is also trembling and my voice despite cracking I try and make as soft as possible, "---I just need you to know, that I love you...God, do I love you and whatever has you scared, is wrong...I am always here for you to talk to. If I am not with you, I will not lie find my way to you always. I don't wanna leave you, I don't...baby...I..."

Nikki cuts me off voice small and pulls back to look at me, face streaked with tears, and he looks SO lost and pale, "---I, didn't...mean....to...to hurt you, Joe. I s-swear.... I....m-mean yeah, I KNOW you don't wanna go and you...you said you'll always c-come back to me. I don't know what's...what's wrong!"

I merely pull him back to me, holding him tightly but gently as he sobs into my neck, running my hands up and down his back gently before I reply....and trying to keep it together at least somewhat.

"Nikki.... listen to me. I know baby you didn't or aren't trying to hurt me. I just FEEL like I've done something wrong and that hurts BECAUSE it all goes back to my abusive Ex's." I pause lost for a moment in PAINFUL memories before continuing, "And whatever is wrong Nikki, I swear on my life.... we will get thru this, YOU can...and we will do it together. We're still learning how to open to one another and be a couple.... i just feel like I am doing something wrong, I fear doing the wrong thing...."

Nikki calms gradually before finally responding to me, looking at me....and first claiming my lips, desperately not that I blame him before I take over....

"J-Joe..." Nikki begins stammering after we part for air, "---I want to believe you, its just everything feels WRONG, and I don't know why." Voice small and fearful, full of pain. "---I keep hurting you, it's how I feel. I NEVER lately especially meant to remind you of your ex's. You deserve better than me." Nikki looks down and drops his gaze from mine until I tilt his face up gently caressing it, heart so heavy yet full of love for the man in front of me.

"Nikki that's NOT true, I deserve YOU.... want only YOU. We both deserve happiness and love and I realize that I have found that at last in YOU.... i know things haven't been easy and are crazy right now, I swear to you in time it will get better. I know it doesn't seem like it, right now.... Why don't you get some rest baby? You look like you need it."

"I don't NEED rest Joe!" Nikki snaps suddenly, me taken aback stunned into silence. This is unlike him...I should stay, to hell with my flight.

"Nikki..." I begin slowly, "I'm gonna stay, you need me...." I mean to say more but Nikki cuts me off, snapping at me once again.

"I'm not gonna be holding you back! I need you to go!"

"Nikki, stop baby.... You're, you're not holding me back. You mean more to me than our album." I try and soothe and tell him both.

"Just go!" Nikki wrenches out of my hold, breaking my heart because I don't know how to help him right now.

"If that's what you want..." I sob, getting up and heading for the door. "---I love you, so much.... remember that." I open the door and make my way down the hall wondering if I am gonna lose Nikki all over again and if I can help him. I can barely see through my tears. He needs me, I need him.... I KNOW he loves me; I think he just needs to cool off.

Suddenly I hear running footsteps and I nearly fall as I am surrounded by Nikki, burying his face in my chest...me holding him tightly, sobbing.

"I am SORRY! I didn't mean to run you off! I...I just wanted you to do w-what you love and...and I have my Jo-Jo Bear, bear with me and ....and..."

"Nikki...breathe baby, you gotta breathe. I'd NEVER truly leave you. I don't wanna lose you Nikki...I don't. and if you're wondering. Yes, it hurt me, and I still love you. That will NEVER stop."

"You...You...still love me?" Tone hopeful and small as Nikki looks at me now with eyes clouded by tears.

"Always." I whisper kissing him. I carry Nikki back to his apartment, tucking him in bed, his Jo-Jo Bear, Bear In easy reach and he asks me to stay until I have to leave for my flight, till he falls asleep and of course I do so before I reluctantly for now leave, but not before I leave him a letter where he can see it pouring all my love and longing for HIM into it.

To My Dearest and I do mean Dearest Honeybee,

My Nikki, my everything....

Nikki, know that NO MATTER WHAT I love you and I will love you until I take my last breath. I feel helpless wondering if I can help you, I don't know what I am doing and I fear losing you.... What I do KNOW is I will fight for you, for the US. I will LOVE YOU.

I may not know why you are so scared baby, but I do know something is wrong, and whatever it is, we will figure it out together. I am always learning what it means to be a partner, this is all new to me as it is to you. Together we will learn.

I can't wait to see you again, and it will be soon my love...very soon. All this that we have going on with our bands won't last forever. In the meantime, Honeybee, try and rest as much as possible. If You need me for anything, anytime I am there even if it's in spirit.

All my Love,

Anthony Joseph Perry aka Your Jo-Jo Bear

P.S. I packed some of your favorite sweatshirts of mine and your tape player including the cassette of 'Permanent Vacation' so you can listen to it, and in that way we will be together. 

A/N: The signs of Nikki and Joe's first child are beginning to manifest. Next chapter will be more of Nikki's 'strange ways' the first of two parts unless I decide to change things up aka move things along a bit.