Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 11: Here Is Where I let my Heart Go (Realizations)

January its fuckin' JANUARY. January 5, 1987, to be exact and things...things have been getting worse, with Nikki, With Steven and don't get me started on Doc...Mӧtley's manager. And the record company and Aerosmith's management decided that we needed ANOTHER single, as if 'Rag Doll' and 'Permanent Vacation' weren't enough. Not to mention, a blitz of interviews, music videos, etc. But ah yes, the single they decided to want NOW, we i.e. I was lucky as hell given how Steven runs his mouth and treats me, the barbs and all, but lucky I had the holidays off...Thanksgiving I spent with my parents, Christmas I spent alone....and Nikki and I? I don't know how to feel, things have been strange...especially since he took off on me later that day after we'd had our sex marathon. He left me a note, his number and yeah, I've been busy.... but I'd tried to call but could never get an answer. It worried me, it does....and so now, here I am in the studio walking down the hall, I am EARLY for once....and wait...wait...

I have a bad feeling, feeling fear...feeling pissed I hear voices, voices I know and am intimately familiar with, one belonging to Steven Tyler and the other.... Nikki Sixx, reluctantly I enter the room and the temperature drops as Nikki's gaze lands on me, if looks could kill I'd be a dead man and there are tears in his eyes....

"WHY the FUCK DID you never tell me that you and Steven here had a PAST?! That you were lovers?!!" Heartbreak and rage mixed with venom. "He told me, he told me that your career was more important that some 'punk junkie'. I am SORRY to have gotten in your way Joseph Perry!!"

"Joe...it's for the..." Steven interrupts...

"Shut the fuck up Steven!" I shout before turning to Nikki, "You don't understand Nikki, it's not something I talk about...and my career is not more important than you!"

"Oh really?!!" Nikki counters, "I know hardly anything about you and from where I am standing, it IS, and you keep me at arm's length when you are around. I'm just some young junkie, sperm dumpster to you!!!"

"It wasn't just some FUCK Nikki! We've only known each other a few months, and for the Fuckin' record I've NEVER KEPT YOU at arm's length Damnnit!" I shout hurt. All these feelings.... what...fighting is all too familiar.... i shouldn't...I shouldn't yell at him.... the feelings though.... he is RIGHT.... he is fucking right and my heart HURTS NOW....and oh my god!

I shake out of my stupor to realize Nikki is booking it, and I swear I hear sobs....and I run after him as I realize, what has been in front of me all along that I have never KNOWN until now, I love him...I love Nikki and I am; I am losing him....

I ran and I ran, and I managed to catch him, calling his name desperately and he turned, eyes filled with such pain and anger. He was trying to protect himself.... a defense mechanism...and I understood very much so.... perhaps all too well.

"The fuck you want?!"

"Nikki PLEASE...please...i...I am sorry.... i never meant...to....to, Steven.... i didn't know how to tell you about him, I just.... have been hurt badly...so bad before and i.... please..." I break down, Nikki is taken aback.

"It doesn't matter.... that's...maybe this is for the best. There's been so many reasons why.... why this wouldn't...work and at least, at least I can keep you safe if I can..." Nikki mutters these lasts words not meaning for me to hear, but hear I do. Nikki looks at me, lost and spent in tears, "I'm not worth it Joe.... I'm not. I'm not even angry, truly about Steven...you've lived a life before me. I mean I'm hurt, but.... I must let you go; happy endings are never meant for someone like me, you deserve better, and it was never meant for me to have them, and it never will be."

I realized during our fight, argument whatever you wanna call it not only that I loved him, but....in his way Nikki was telling me the same. He was hurt and angry about Steven because he didn't hear it from ME, and I didn't let him in...not totally because of my past of being abused and he 'let me go' to protect me.... still it fucking hurt like hell and the guilt, I felt that I drove him further into Heroin....

"N-Nikki...that's...that's not true.... that's.... never been true!" I cry. "I...I...and Steven, I never...never felt that way about him! Not like I do you! I'm...sorry, so fucking sorry I never told you, about him or...or anything about my past and I've realized that..." I ramble frantic, Nikki looks taken aback and lost and he cuts me off, shaking his head sadly.

"It IS...and it doesn't matter, that...doesn't. I was never going to be good enough for you anyway. I would have ruined things eventually." Nikki sighs heavily, "I'm just...just a punk junkie and I..." I cut him off this time desperate to make him SEE as I pull him to me, kissing him not giving two shits who sees. Its desperate, its....it feels like goodbye....

We part and Nikki's eyes are wide, and I find my balls, and tell him what I should have what feels like a lifetime ago.... that i wish to God i HAD told him....

"Nikki, please...PLEASE.... don't, don't do this! I LOVE YOU! I.... fuckin' love you."

"Joe, you CAN'T...you can't...I've gotta.... gotta go..." Nikki swallows a sob and runs, and it HURTS, not because he's running from me...even as I drop to my knees screaming for him to come back, its...its HARD to describe. I feel a mix of fear, him being in his own head, what DOC does to him.... what doc does or has threatened to do to me, Steven, and I told Nikki too late that I loved him. I didn't let my walls fall completely, I didn't. I did LIE to Nikki about my 'dance' with Heroin, I did avoid him, at least some....

For the first time in my life, after years of mental and physical abuse.... i fell in love, and it scared me.... i didn't know it was supposed to feel like, that it would HURT in a good way and now....in the worst. I must fight to get Nikki back, to make him safe....to make him SEE. In his own way, he WAS telling me he loved me. He's let me go because he feels it best...to PROTECT me. Still, I fear, what will happen to him.... the Heroin...will take over....and I don't care how fuckin long it takes till I see him again, no matter how much it hurts...I must, I HAVE TO fight for him...to open, I can't carry the trauma....my pain around forever.... i can't....

I rise shakily to my feet, staring at the spot where I saw Nikki....and am now wondering, why was he here besides saying goodbye? It was...to tell me he loved me...it had to have been, at least in part....

I make my way back to the studio, everyone waiting....and I give into my anger at Steven, tears streaming down my face....my emotions on full display and I manage to get out, my eyes not leaving Steven's, who pales visibly gulping.

"We NEED to talk, and you will shut the fuck up and listen." My tone is shaky, but firm.

And NOW it comes to me, they want another single? Well, they are gonna get one...and I know just what to write, a song about and for Nikki...in the end, it will get thru to him, I will .... but first another and much needed confrontation....

A/N: Drama, realization, confessions and so much more! Sadly, Joe and Nikki won't be reunited or together for some time, it being Jan. at this point in the story.... but they won't be reunited until December 23, 1987...and well you will see. Stay tuned!