Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 62: My Lover's Heroin Diaries Part 3

Nikki, my poor husband is shaking.... trying desperately to breathe, breathe in my scent to CALM. I too am in much the same state, and the only other thing I am remotely aware of is that it's getting late, near 12. Christmas nearly over, I can't fucking sleep and I know Nikki can't, and I know we won't be able to. This...this is killing us reliving all this and really it wasn't all that long ago. It's been 2 years, 2 YEARS. And oh, does it fucking HURT. My heart is breaking all over again for what Nikki went thru in our year apart and my heart break over losing him not once but twice.... again HURTS. We need sleep, we need to take care of Josephine.... She will need us, she DOES. Nikki and I are not alone, I know that, but I feel, and I know my husband does too that the state we are in, that our daughter needs us more. She thankfully is still sleeping and is safe and snug....and on ward I read, more entries in Nikki's 'Heroin Diaries', the ones that came after our sex marathon.... him spiraling, him lost hurt and confused about me......his being naked and high under his tree in 86', Deana apparently leaving messages trying to call Nikki from jail, things I didn't know......

Here soon fate will strike, no not fate....an alien would come to the rescue.

Without realizing it, I wake up startled.... Nikki too, and the phone because we have one in our room starts ringing and the diary seems to have fallen on the floor. Vaguely I am aware, it's a wee bit after midnight....

Groggily, shakily I answer.... Nikki murmuring, and the tears come back for us both...

"H-Hello?"

A worried and concerned Mick Mars says, "Hey I'm sorry that its so late. I couldn't sleep, I had this feeling and I thought I'd check on you guys."

"I-I—I.... we..." I stammer breaking down, managing to croak in a whisper, "Nikki.... I read...his.... he wanted..."

Mick cuts me off and he KNOWS sighing heavily holding back tears. "---His diary, didn't he? The one he kept in the depths of his addiction." Nikki is, meanwhile, sobbing trying to keep it together, clinging to me. "Oh Joe, I know how much it hurts. You guys' sound like you need some time together."

"No!" I croak, "Our daughter comes first. She needs us, we feel guilty for even thinking about spending time just Nikki and I."

"Perry, she knows how much you love her. I am telling you; she will understand in her own way. You guys are amazing parents, never doubt that. You will get through this, you, and Nikki both. We've ALL of us got your fucking back. Now, I'm gonna come over and get her and Brad and I will keep her for a bit. Don't argue, you guys need this. And of course, we will all check on you." Mick and I chat, him trying to keep me calm before we hang up......

Next thing I knock, Mick arrives to take Josephine....and Nikki and I protest heavily still, but we realize Mick is right. So, we make sure she's got her bag, which Nikki packs and her stuffed Bee, Raspberry, and olive and thankfully she is still asleep. Nikki and I cling to her, kissing her goodbye, telling her...whispering how very much we love her...Mick promising to call and check on us, and I know too everyone will and then its Nikki and I, both of us in the floor holding one another.... till eventually we go back to our bedroom, and I retrieve the diary, Nikki once more clinging to me...as we sit up in bed.

"J-Joe.... Joe.... i.... feel so guilty...that.... well everything tonight...." Nikki whispers.

"I know baby, God do I know. All of this is so fucking hard on us, and Mick was right, he is.... doesn't make it hurt less.... together, you and I.... We don't have to go it alone; we've got each other and our family. I love you, God...I love you honeybee."

"I love you too...and you are SO right Jo-Jo Bear...." Nikki whispers tearfully. We kiss, we kiss just to feel one another....it is calming us, at least enough to go on reading the diary, Nikki buries his face in my neck nuzzling me and I squeeze him gently as I come to the entry of the day, I realized I was in LOVE for the first time in my life and where I lost Nikki the first time....

-Nikki's Diary Entry (January 5, 1987)-

I should have known better that happy endings are only a fairytale never meant for the likes of me. I don't deserve anything good to happen and fuck up like I always do or am always told and so once more starts the vicious cycle and WHY? WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH? THAT THINGS HAVE GONE TO HELL? It seems like a lifetime ago, today...earlier today, I found myself heading to the studio to see Joe and figure out why the fuck I feel SO strange around him.... feel certain things, like see if he could help me out somehow.

But the universe had to fuck even more with this punk junkie when I found Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler in the studio instead. I'd heard rumor the record company demanded another single, anyway.....Tyler who doesn't know shit, about what I go thru nor have been thru, proceeds to tell me he and Joe had a history, that they were lovers and I don't know why again why it hurt so bad, Tyler told me their careers were more important and so I saw red, I was hurt...I AM HURT. ONCE AGAIN....and then naturally Joe showed up and we went at it, maybe I wasn't truly upset about Joe having had a past, but he didn't tell me.... didn't tell me. But yeah, we fought.... Maybe Joe tried to explain, I was so hurt and scared and angry, I don't truly know.

Joe will get hurt because of me.... Doc threatens all the time to rape me in front of Joe, to kill him and I had to let it go.... let HIM go. He could never love someone like me anyway, but Joe Perry told me he loved me.... I told him he can't. he desperately tried to tell me, to kiss me....and it all felt like goodbye, a breakup. Maybe I shouldn't have screamed at Joe, maybe I should have listened when he said I wasn't just some fuck.... but I feel so....so lost and hurt. And the point is, I ran.... I cried, cried like a baby. Joe screaming my name, screaming for me to come back and I realized I have nothing left....and maybe it's for the best, I must protect him, and it hurts....

And oh....my god......my god, I am starting.... NOW, slowly beginning to realize I love Joe, I love Joe Perry and I've lost him....and am spiraling out of control and I've pushed away the one person, I didn't want to see that I cared for....and I can never tell him. I can't.

So, I must let him go, sides he may go back to Steven any way.... i don't know, and maybe I may tell Doc and Doug I don't want any more contact with Joe no matter how much it fucking kills me.

I am all over the place, I am aware. I am in my head again, forever ever in the shadows.... may as well fall further into it, by proving what a punk junkie I am.

-end of entry-

"I... I.... was....so lost....so scared, I was a-all over the place Joe. I lost you, and I realized too late why it hurt, because I loved you.... I loved you all along, and I felt like you deserved better and, in my way, I...I was wanting to protect myself. But moreover, protect you if I could. I let you go, and darkness took hold and yet even in the darkest depths of my addiction.... you still never left me." Nikki sobs stammering.

"Nikki...." I croak voice husky from tears, "I know baby, I know.... I felt much the same way. So many things I wished I'd have done, have said.... but honeybee, look at US.... look at ME...." Here Nikki does so, "---You, it was you.... i learned finally to fight and fight for you, to get sober....to get you justice and prove just how much I loved you, that you DESERVED that....and so did I. in the end, we reunited....and you will never leave me, ever cause you're my world, you always have been even when I didn't see."

"Jo...Jo-Jo bear...." I set the diary to the side once again, as Nikki and I kiss needing to feel one another, to calm and know what we were never alone and never would be again and that we would weather this storm together.

Nikki and I didn't sleep that night, we couldn't....and still there are more entries to come. All I really knew, is that we had each other, and we had our family, and we would get thru this.... we would and we did, and it only made our love for one another even stronger.

A/N: Part 3 is done and then it's on to part 4. And then a time skip I am thinking about doing or rather a retrospective time skip.