Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 63: My Lover's Heroin Diaries Part 4

Nikki and I have settled, having just shared an emotional kiss.... a powerful one, just FEELING one another. We've settled as far as our previous positions, Nikki curled up to me, head resting in the crook of my neck....my arm wrapped around him, and I've once more picked up his diary picking up where I left off....I can feel the tears, the shaking of my poor husband and too, though we KNOW it's needed...we miss our daughter so much. But yeah, the diary......i read thru now, entries smeared with old tears and rust colored stains which sadly I know are blood.... The entries are Nikki spiraling, my husband spiraling without me. They detail more abuse; abuse I didn't know about.... the heart break...the sheer hell. They are lucid, yet not....and then there's entries where he talks about conversations with me, him seeing me and my disappearing....Doc's trial REALLY hit him hard I am reading, making things even worse and yet...yet he looked for me....and he writes he couldn't face me, even though he knew I was responsible for Doc, for putting that bastard where he belonged...for nearly killing him for Nikki.....Nikki wrote how he didn't still feel worthy of me and how he missed me, how he feared I was with Steven Tyler....the tour, he didn't remember much of....EXCEPT for mentions of me and then I come across a particular entry AFTER Mӧtley had cancelled the rest of their tour and Nikki, virtually disappeared....

-Nikki's Diary (September 5, 1987)-

The days have passed in A haze.... this year.... i guess. I don't know what day it is, what time, none of that shit. I've heard I'm dying, too thin......and fuck I guess I AM, proving that I am a worthless 'punk' junkie. I found love, and I let it go....and it HURTS. Even Heroin isn't enough to make me forget Doc, Doug (don't trust that fucker), and especially one Joe Perry. I see him, everywhere.... I swear I see him NOW, looking sadly at me.... telling me he loves me.... I reach a weak hand out and he disappears like a puff of smoke.

Yet, I've never been able to let go of all the messages he leaves me, that he's left and then there's the letter he wrote me & a song that I think Mick had told me Joe wrote for me as that additional Aerosmith single. I don't deserve any of this, look what I did to him.... Look what I AM. I don't deserve love, yet I can't let go of HIM.... all these messages and all, it's all I have left of Joe Perry. Joe, who I bet is with Steven or I can only admit here in the dark.... that is what I FEAR, I am breaking not just from Joe.... from everything.

And Joe? Well here lately.... i think it's lately, not too sure with the time thing...but when I literally crawl my way downstairs, which is like a mine field of glass, booze and I don't know what.... I sit or lay against the door, crying and I SWEAR, SWEAR I hear Joe.... him pleading with me, talking to me for hours.... He's NOT REAL, NOT REAL. I don't know what is or isn't anymore, but it's yet another thing that makes me feel close to Joe.

I'll never see Joe again and if that doesn't hurt, I'm dying that's what people are saying...but heroin, I can't fucking stop.... too much shit on me.... I don't do well alone, but it's all I have ever known.

I am sobbing now, Nikki clinging to me with a death grip.... I know WHY he's done this; I realize ultimately, he wants me to know EVERYTHING even though this hurts like hell. All I know, is I have him......he is here, here WITH ME and is alive. And I thank God every day that I got there in time, the night I found him.... the night he 'died'......I feel Nikki squeeze me, gently and I KNOW his true meaning with the gesture and so onward I read, entries that are filled with pain.... ones with Nikki isolated and all alone and how he feared the dark, his nightmares and then I get to an entry written the night he died, and I nearly quit breathing as I read....

-Nikki's Diary (December 23, 1987)-

I haven't eaten....in days...weeks, I don't fucking know. I am so TIRED, heroin.... heroin is calling me, I can't find a vein anymore....so I've cut, using jagged glass.... just doing ANYTHING, to try and numb myself. I can't totally numb myself, and right now as I write this.... its Joe I see sitting next to me, as I watch my arm bleed, my life....my sanity, has left me. I've lost my band, everyone....so much pain and suffering i have caused and I am SORRY.

Joe, if somehow you can hear me.... I love you, I always will even though I feel I don't deserve you; my heart will always belong to you......

-end of entry-

-Nikki's Diary (December 31, 1987)

I died, I DIED......but I didn't stay that way.... Joe, Joe saved me.... saved my life, he stayed with me, during my detoxing.... never once complaining. It floored me, it floored me still. And after all this time, this year.... He still loves me, he still LOVES ME. He's opening to me; he told me the truth about Steven.... his past with drugs, everything.... he's learning and so am I. and he brought me here to his home, its...all of it is beautiful. He takes care of me; I'm not used to that...but I am finding I love it. We're bonding, and no matter what he is still right there.

I wouldn't be alive without Joe, and though I am scared shitless about rehab I know damn well I won't survive without it. And again, Joe is already a huge help there.

I couldn't sleep, Joe let me have a separate room because I was well not ready to share a bed.... but here I AM, I needed him.... not being able to take it anymore, and here in his arms I now lay.... he's still asleep, arms wrapped around me.... I'd grabbed my diary and am writing with one hand at the moment, but just hearing his breathing.... the feel of him and I know I am HOME....i am safe and I am loved, and I am not alone....

And back to sleep I go, in the arms of my heart....my world, Joe Perry...

-end of entry-

"Nikki.... oh Nikki.... I...." I stammer unable to find words, but I DO find I need to see him, so gently I maneuver him to look into his eyes clouded by tears and I gently despite my own tears, thumb away his and find my voice, "---I know how hard this is on you, on both of us....but the point is, I love you all the more. I needed to know everything; you wanted ME to know everything. if I regret anything, it's that I didn't tell you I loved you sooner...that I didn't open to you and once I did, everything fell into place and all long...even in your darkest moments you still loved me, you love me still. The greatest gift is YOU, all of you.... your heart and you've given me love, pure actual and true love and a daughter, OUR daughter. I love you, God do I love you and you always, always have deserved me.... you deserve the fucking world."

"Joe.... oh Joe. I regret so much baby.... being so lost, in my head for so long....and I too wish I'd have told you I loved you sooner, like when I realized. I felt ready to show you my deepest darkest secrets, everything that happened while we were apart, and you've never ever left me. and I know you never will, I've never felt this way nor will I with anyone but you. With you I feel at home, I feel normal...safe, loved....and truly you are the other half of my soul. You've always been at my side, even when not physically. And I argue Jo-Jo Bear, that you are the greatest gift...YOU and we have together created the most perfect and precious little girl. And if I have nightmares, or if you do, we will be there for one another to chase them way. I love you."

"Nikki, honeybee.... I love you too." I whisper, still crying as I kiss him...his hand on my heart now and the world around us disappears......

A/N: Part 4 is done, and I have decided to do part 5, which I am SO excited for. I want to show what happens after Joe reads the heroin diaries, there will be love...TLC and so much more. Stay tuned.