Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 17: At the Corner of Death and Love Part 1

Here we've sadly reached one of the worst nights of my life...and my husband's: his 'Death'. It scared me shitless, still DOES to this day to think about. The pain and suffering Nikki went thru, and it was the night of our nearly deadly reunion on another fateful, PAINFUL, fear filled night...that night of December 23, 1987. The holidays, but who the fuck could be cheerful back then? I sure couldn't. Before we get into it, I should give you the rundown on what happened in the couple of months before then. Of course, there was Mars' visit, where I learned more about what was going on with Nikki in August 87' and thankfully for me.... Aerosmith's tour ended not long after, it was the worst tour I'd EVER been on for Obvious reasons. And of course, as always after the tour, I became a man possessed.... trying to reach Nikki, whether it was the phone calls...the letter and I even went with my gut and found his house....and sadly, I got no answer. I would try for hours, sobbing on the doorstep.... alternating that with talking to Nikki or trying to. This went on up until Nikki's overdose....and of course, there was Doc's trial AND working like hell to get Nikki justice for Deana as well. The trial was, well, one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I gave testimony and yet I didn't SEE Nikki, whom I would eventually learn gave testimony directly to the judge in private because and I can't blame him he REFUSED to be in the same room as Doc. However, it worsened Nikki's mental state, having to no doubt relive every single torment and it sent him spiraling even further with Heroin and it KILLED me, because I felt helpless as fuck. Doc got life behind bars and that to me was too good for him, and as for Deana. Oh, that bitch was sent to jail...a lengthy prison sentence for HER crimes and a permanent restraining order to stay away from Nikki.

Now that we're caught up......sadly its time and where you will find me is on way to Nikki.... living my nightmare, every waking moment.... HURT. I HAD to get to him....

This past year has been a total shit fest...heartbreaking, filled with fear. And my nightmare is coming true, I was at home...but I couldn't fucking sleep. It's the middle of the night and I am on edge to say the least.... flooring it to Nikki's house and I MUST get in, I must, and I will break down the door and pray I am not too late. And next thing I know, is I arrive...already in tears, hands shaking....and I do something I never imagined doing.... I managed to break down the door. And I stop short a moment as I enter the house: Its dark.... shadows everywhere and I get the feeling it looks like a warzone...empty bottles of booze, broken glass.

"Nikki...." I whisper, quickly shaking myself out of my stupor...running up the stairs, shouting his name.... fearful, barely managing to keep myself up right and going with my gut I find his bedroom....and burst in, calling for Nikki....

No response, a trail of blood both dried and fresh...leading to his closet......broken glass, bottles of jack...and now, a noise.... a Thunk sounding noise...NO!!!

My heart fucking stops and beats out of my chest both, as in a flash I open the door...to find Nikki, a gun at his side, and blood trickling down his arm...needle still stuck in his skin. Frantically, I take him into my arms to get him to respond and of course chucking the needle...rocking him back and forth, scared shitless and sobbing...he's cooling, he's cooling!

"Nikki...baby.... PLEASE. PLEASE.... WAKE UP......WAKE UP...DON'T GO!! BABY, GOD...I AM SO FUCKING SORRY....SO SORRY! "My voice cracks, holding him tightly to me...trying to warm him and I note his skin has a blue tint to it....my eyes widen, I must do something! I carry him and it's like he weighs nothing.... i find a phone somehow, in shock...shaking terribly and call for ambulance, Nikki continues to cool...his pulse, is very faint...scaring me.

I am losing to him all over again! If he goes.... I can only follow. I've wanted him back in my arms SO bad, but not like this...this is a nightmare. I BLINK and the ambulance comes, loading Nikki.... i DEMAND to go with them...I refuse to let my heart go without me....

They work on him now, and then times stops as they declare him dead, and I sink to the floor in agony.... until....

"Oh no! this is Nikki fucking Sixx, he's NOT dying in my ambulance. We owe it to him and his partner here." A needle full of liquid which I learn is adrenaline...straight to the heart, I can't BREATHE. Nikki doesn't stir and then another shot, then to my shock...he bolts upright.... SCARED AND SCREAMING and he screams MY name, unaware I am right beside him.

"JOE....I gotta get out of here.... i gotta...." Nikki is hysterical.

"Nikki!! Please...calm down, you're gonna be ok. I'm HERE, ok? I'm here." Nikki looks to me, wild eyed...seeing yet not SEEING.

"Y-You're.... not r-real.... you......I...don't.... this HURTS!" Nikki is about to hurt himself more, and they give him something to make him sleep and he whimpers. Quietly I thank the paramedics, refusing to let go of Nikki's hand and they check over Nikki to make sure he will be ok, well his pulse is stronger....

"Nikki..." My voice breaks, "I am REAL. Baby, I am real. I don't know if you can hear me, I hope to God you can. I can only imagine how much it truly hurts, the pain you're in. It kills me what you're going through. I need you to know, I am sorry.... i know I didn't help matters, but nah.... I really need you to know that I realized how very much I love you, I love you still. That ain't fucking stopped all year. I've been so lost with out you Nikki, if you go...I will follow you, no lie. I am so scared...I have been. I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time, but I DO KNOW that I would do anything for you and that I love you more than my life. I promise Nikki, I will be with you every step of the way baby. And I will open to you." The tears renew themselves, not that they ever stopped, and I don't care who sees, as I lean over to kiss him.

We arrive at the hospital, me nearly collapsing as they take Nikki...running various tests, getting him a room etc. I make sure I am notified immediately of anything to do with him and while I wait to see him again, I manage to stumble on my way to a phone, calling Brad knowing Mick is with him.

I break down, barely managing to get the words out and apparently, it's already made the news, but I DO tell them Nikki is alive and that's the last thing I remember before I pass out.

If you're wondering no, I wasn't injured.... the exhaustion, the emotion...the overwhelming emotions and everything during 87' caught up with me. And it turns out as you know, I ended up saving Nikki's life though it would take me time to get over thinking it was my fault. It's something Nikki and I would come to work on together. Anyway, December 23 1987....one of the worsts nights of my life as I have said, yet it was a turning point in my life and relationship with Nikki. and where you will next find me, is me waking up panicking and then relieved to know that Nikki was still alive and we'd have the most emotional, powerful, bitter-sweet...I mean you name it, reunion.

A/N: A nightmare lived and come true, now perhaps Nikki can heal...Joe too and maybe they will come to do that together. Next will be part 2.