Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 15: Seasons of Wither Part 1

My time with Nikki was all to brief, our beginnings were. Tinged with fear, with drugs chief among them Heroin. But never and I mean never have I felt such fear, nor was I so damn lost as I was without Nikki and especially during Summer '87'. Nikki was dying in earnest, he was in the depths of Heroin...trapped, chained and if that wasn't enough, there was of course Doc may he rot in hell, the fall out from that which included Doc being held with out bail and Doug taking over as Mӧtley's manager and the chaos from all that PLUS a tour that Nikki didn't need, which in hindsight seemed to hasten his 'death' all the more. I lived in constant fear that I would lose him, but I NEVER lost sight of just how much I loved him, of what it meant to fight for him.... Everything was so new to me and often I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, just going with my gut. But ah yes, Nikki.... death on legs, far too skinny.... eyes shrouded in shadow and pain and my heart was dying with him it felt at times, that if he went, I would follow. Worst of all for me was I didn't have HIM to share anything with. A tour for Aerosmith, a hollow victory and really both bands respective tours could not have come at a worse time as they did then......and you will find me on the road, dreaming as always of Nikki....

The scene is bitter-sweet, Nikki and I.... Nikki so unsure, trembling refusing to look at me, he is scared.... i rushed from the states it seems to Canada where his band is holed up recording, and something is WRONG...as I try to get Nikki to open to me....

"Nikki, please talk to me baby. I know you're scared; I am too.... you haven't acted like yourself in a while, I'm not angry, no lie and I promise you whatever it is I will love you through it, we'll do this together."

Moment's pass, Nikki sobs until I gently cradle his face in my hands noting how pale he is.... things slowly starting to click...

"I... I just...f-freaked, s-still am because I...I....am.... p-pregnant...an' an' I didn't know what to do!"

"You're really pregnant with our first child?"

"Yes." he whispers, "I-I...."

"Shh, calm down and not just for your sake Nikki. Listen to me baby. I know so much has been going on with both our bands, but I have learned and still am where or what my greatest priorities are: YOU and now our baby. This is all new and scary to me as well, but Nikki, you make me so happy, so happy. This may not be easy, but you're not alone in this."

"Y-You're...really...happy? I...I...just I mean.... we haven't e-even been together th-that long an' there's my bands album." Nikki whispers.

"I am happy, no lie and it doesn't fucking matter how long we've been together, what matters is I am HERE and gonna take care of you always. You're giving me something that I never thought I'd have, a child. I'd want no one else." I bring one hand down to his rounded abdomen, feeling my breath hitch.

"Is...Is...it normal to show already?"

"We're both more than 6ft tall, so baby is likely to be tall." I assure him.

"Just don't let me go."

"Never." I declare fiercely sealing my lips over his, a kiss to just let him feel me. "I love you Nikki, never forget that."

"I love you too." And then all begins to fade....

I awake up with a start and in tears here on the open road, an endless and eternal road of tour dates, the dream or was it a vision still fresh in my mind and now, now I can't sleep, not that I sleep much anyway. We've been on the road a few weeks now, practically July at this point and it's the middle of the night. I groan quietly, sneaking out of my bunk and padding into the back alley with my lyric books, and so I write.

"Nikki.... I...Miss you so much...so much, wish I'd realized just HOW much. Its like you took the light and my heart with you, it always will belong to you baby." I whisper, tear stains littering the page....me throwing the book aside as I curl up, knees drawn up to my chest and am startled out of my sad reverie by Steven, who sits opposite me, worried.

"I heard you get up; you called Nikki's name in your sleep.... i didn't mean to startle you Perry, I...shit, I'm just trying to be a good friend..." Steven starts rambling.

I sigh shakily, "Its...you...are...a good friend and I know I'm neglecting myself." I finally admit this thought out loud. "—I'm no good to Nikki like this, but I feel like I can't REST until I get him back, knowing he's safe.... getting him to see, to believe that I love him. He took my heart and the light in my life with him, it just kills me to see him DYING from a distance. I've tried so hard to contact Doug, their manager...Nikki doesn't want...I mean doesn't feel worthy of me.... he's I've realized worth everything to me."

Left unspoken here is that I feel like I am neglecting Nikki going on this tour that I don't want for 'Permanent Vacation', I can't HELP but STILL blame myself for all this. If only I'd realized sooner that I DID and DO love Nikki, if only I'd told him the truth, then I may have saved his life much sooner.

"Anthony Joseph Perry LISTEN. That may be true, no one does anything perfect, and I can only imagine what all this is like for you, I can SEE how much it hurts. NONE of this is your fault, from what I understand.... Sixx's past is dark and then there's that shit with that evil douchebag, he's struggling and hurting too...dealing with that and I see NOW...he loves you, he DOES Nikki I mean. I've never told you..."

"Told me what?" I interrupt.

"—Told you what else he said to me that day he found out about OUR pasts and how I hurt him." regret lacing Steven's tone. "He told me he wanted to talk to you about something, I believe he was trying to figure out his feelings for you...he wanted your help with them."

Moments of silence, as I stared at Steven stunned. "---I didn't see that and we got into it, and I wanted to...to hurt you and I hurt him and you and made things worse. I...I never I swear meant to let it go so far."

I exhaled shakily, "I wish I'd have known that sooner. That you'd have told me about 7 months ago, but then again...I am not so sure I'd have listened to you. I'm not angry at you Steven, hurt yes...but you are being honest with me."

He WAS being honest Steven, still though that night.... I couldn't help but wish it was Nikki that was with me, that was comforting me or that I was doing the comfort. And yet it was good for me to have a friend to listen to me, to just be there for me. I kept going, determined.... I couldn't lose sight of my love, my Nikki even though I was in danger of losing him for good.

The shows if you're wondering went well, surprising me...cementing our comeback but as I have often said, it was hollow...it didn't mean anything until I had Nikki back in my arms, where he belonged...safe and loved, so very safe and so very loved.

Where you next find me, still on the road but a visitor from Mars comes....

A/N: A vision, loneliness, trying to cope and more. Next up is part 2.