Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 20: Road to Recovery & Redemption Part 1

I spent every day with Nikki every night, I couldn't just leave him...even if for a brief period. From Dec.23-Dec.30, 1987.... I stayed with Nikki; it floored him. it floors him still to this day, so I spent Christmas with Nikki in the hospital and God, was his detoxing rough...his withdrawal. And it was heartbreaking to watch, Nikki kept looking at me as if fearing I'd disappear and I woke up I don't know how many times a night...just to see him breathing and I would breathe a sigh of relief, kiss his eyes and thank god we're together and if those words sound familiar, well they oughta, because I wrote them for one of Aerosmith's biggest songs: 'I don't Wanna Miss a Thing.' For the duration of the hospital stay, Nikki's I mean...for the first time in my life, I truly...learned to open to him. I told him about my abusive, and dark pasts with all my partners...including Steven. It wasn't fucking easy, but I needed to do it. Nikki LISTENED, he was just there...holding me and I'd never had that before...neither of us did really. As for Nikki? He learned to do the same, to open to me.... telling me about his childhood...emotional trauma and abuse, his so-called mother's 'boyfriends' beating him, her either joining in or being too fucked up to notice not that she cared anyway, Nikki told me. Nikki hadn't yet told me about Doc, I put two and two together where that bastard was concerned. Eventually Nikki did tell me, but Nikki was learning...we were learning together how to heal one another. And of course, Mick and Brad, Vince Neil, Tommy Lee, and everyone visited, even Steven who at last gave a long, long overdue, and sincere apology to Nikki.

The nightmares continued for both Nikki and I, but as I have said both of us were learning and neither of us, weren't alone anymore.

Nikki is currently being discharged from the hospital as I had insisted with his doctor's figuring that he'd recover and feel better in a safer environment, he's also clinging to me with a death grip, shaking...both from nerves and withdrawal and sobbing.

"R-Rehab.... the whole band...going in...in...about a week...or two.... scared...scared. I don't wanna LEAVE YOU Joe...I fuckin' don't. I need to...I know.... i just feel like a failure!"

"Breathe Nikki.... c'mon baby an' breath. And I know you're scared; you've been through hell this year. You DIED....and hey...look at me." Nikki refuses until I take one of my hands and caress his cheek. "Nikki, I know you don't wanna leave me. Listen to me, you are NOT truly leaving me. I know firsthand how hard it is to do Rehab, I've been in more times than I can count. And Nikki Sixx you are not a failure, you never have been babe. You came from nothing, were homeless. Endured a lifetime of abuse to start the world's most notorious band, you're talented....and I am proud of you. So proud of you especially for telling me about your past abuse, your childhood. I love you, never forget that."

Nikki is looking at me now, wide eyed and stunned. My heart breaks because I KNOW exactly why he's looking at me like he is. "Wow.... you're, proud of me?"

"Yes Nikki. Always."

"I've never had anyone tell me they were proud of me until you. Well, my friends, but with you ITS different. Thank you, seriously just thank you for telling me that Joe. I love you, God...I love you...and um...." Nikki stammers out and this time I am the wide eyed one, "And I am finding, or seeing that I am proud of YOU Anthony Joseph Perry.... You are learning to open to me, you've told me shit that makes me wanna HURT those that hurt you. I know that wasn't easy...and its not easy seeing me like this."

Before I can even form words, Nikki is now wiping away my tears and he kisses me and together our lips work together in harmony.

We part for breath and not long after, Nikki's withdrawal symptoms hit him ,and it lasts a bit until at last, he's spent...discharged and in a wheelchair and he is like a doll as I lay him in the passenger seat, making sure he is ok as he can be and reluctantly I start making my way to my house and Nikki finally speaks, voice husky from tears and panicking.

"W-Where am I gonna go? What the fuck am I gonna do? I can't go back to my..."

Gently I cut him off, he immediately calmed down as I grabbed his hand with one of my free ones, I feel bad truly for making him panic at all.

"Nikki babe, I am SO sorry for making you freak out at all. And I know you can't go back to your house and you won't have to. Please forgive me for not telling you sooner, but I wanted to surprise you...its well I hope a good one. I figured, you'd feel better in a safer space, and I don't want to not have you with me, so you will be staying at my house."

"You...you.... holy shit..." Nikki is at a loss for words, he simply squeezes my hand tightly, lacing our fingers together. "Thank you, Joe, this...is still all weird and new to me. And I imagine you too, yet here you are doing it. It means so much to me, more than you could know."

"I'd do anything for you Nikki, and you don't know how much I love just having you near me, touching you.... I can breath and feel normal, feel loved for the first time in my life....and would...you wanna have your own room? Stay in your own room? I figured you'd have privacy, and don't worry about clothes...you can wear mine." I finished in a rush.

"You feel like Heaven to me Joe." Nikki says softly before frowning deep in thought, "You're doing so much for me...going to so much trouble. If...I have my own room, is it close to yours? I...don't feel ready y-yet to share...a bed...I don't think."

My heartbeat wildly at him saying I feel like Heaven, and I give a reply to the other part of his sentence, telling Nikki seriously. "It's NO trouble. Your room's close to mine, I'll keep my door open. And Nikki.... If you wanna wait, that's ok too. I just want you to be comfortable. Now let's get you to the house and resting....and I am gonna take care of you."

Nikki leans over surprising me, I can feel him tremble, but he leans over and gently kisses my jaw, which also is making me blush.

"I would love that.... i am ready to fuckin' crash...or try too."

I will tell you now, that dream I'd had...where Nikki comes into my bedroom late at night in the dark, came true. However, before we get there, I could never forget Nikki's reaction to seeing what would become our home for the first time, nor could I get over how it felt, taking care of him and how gradually over time I was learning it wasn't my fault with Nikki...the guilt of me thinking his overdose was my fault. It took time of course. However, the ultimate point here is Nikki and I, my beloved husband then lover, were on the road to recovery as well as redemption. Nikki especially, both of us were learning to help one another and would only fall deeper in love....

A/N: Nikki has left the hospital, headed for what will be his and Joe's home. Stay tuned for part 2!