Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 12: Here Is Where I let my Heart Go (Realizations) Part 2

(A/N: I do not own the lyrics to 'Angel'-Sadly)

I shake with fury; heartache and it HURTS.... tears stream down my face, everyone looks taken aback and Steven visibly gulps, the air thick with tension.

And I am about to do some SERIOUS unleashing, I take a shuddery breath...

"Steven Victor Tallarico, how fucking DARE you...calling Nikki some punk junkie, we were punk junkies, and..." my words filled with venom and heartbreak, and I start shouting every word. "I'VE TOLD YOU OVER AND OVER THESE PAST FEW MONTHS, TO FUCKIN' TRUST ME! BUT NO, YOU COULDN'T DO THAT, THE BARBS AND ALL YOUR BULLSHIT!! AND NIKKI, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING HIM THAT OUR CAREER WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIM!!!THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIM, NOTHING!" I sob. "And I saw that too late..." My tone is much quieter than it was, already spent. "---I've lost him, I didn't know I was, AM in love with him. I've made mistakes, so many...with him and with YOU. My mistake was thinking when we were young, that I could LOVE you...sometimes I found my self wanting to, thinking I could but time and again you let me down. Steven, we're the toxic twins for a reason.... we were and are toxic for each other, it wasn't just the drugs. It wasn't. You are part of why I can't open to anyone, and you KNOW the abuse I suffered mentally and physically from my ex-wives and past partners. I didn't know what love was until...until Nikki walked away from me, until the heat of the moment when things were going to shit. I want, genuinely wanted to be friends with you when the band got back together, but no you've made that impossible right now. And one more thing, Nikki isn't the only one who struggled with Heroin or is....no one knows, I did once....my heart stopped, I overdosed...no one ever knew...and...and...I lied to him...about it.... its...it's my fault!" I collapse in a heap, feeling myself held...by Tom and everyone is stunned, Steven most of all.

"J-Joe.... I...I.... I'm sorry man. I was...jealous of Sixx...but..." Steven sighs heavily, pensively. "You really do love him; you HAVE this whole time. I didn't wanna see that...and I was to wrap up in myself and my own vices and I didn't listen. I haven't. and I..." Steven breaks down, "I'm sorry I let you down, I keep doing that man."

"-You...wanna...wanna make it up to me? Two things: One this single and two...taking down that fucking dick-bag manager of Mӧtley's, that will HELP m-me...start to trust you again, we will see." My voice a whisper, Steven gets the message.... finally. still my heart aches, hurts.... cause of Nikki, I still see him.... the fear in his eyes, the tears...being in his own head and the toll of what he is going thru not just with Heroin but Doc....

I spend some time in the floor, the guys talking to me....trying to keep me calm and still the tears come and eventually I get off the floor and write.....and 10 minutes later, I have a song....and melodies to go with it, a song about and for the man I realized I love, for the first time in my life, I am IN LOVE and this...I hope in time gets thru to him.

In time it would get thru to Nikki and the 'Angel' Lyrics, every word straight from the heart, even admist the heartache and pain:

"--- I'm alone Yeah, I don't know if I can face the night, I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you ,I want your love - Let's break the walls between us Don't make it tough - I'll put away my pride Enough's, enough I've suffered and I've seen the light---"

Of course, 'Angel' isn't the only song Nikki inspired or that I wrote for/about him. There was of course 'Love in an Elevator', 'Amazing', and 'I don't Wanna Miss a thing', Nikki became my muse.... He still is after all these years. And the confrontation with Steven hurt, but it was very much needed. I finally got through to him.

I am vaguely aware of my eyes being puffy and swollen, but I hardly notice. My chest hurts and my last moments with Nikki run through my head in a continuous loop. Everyone else is I believe going over what I've written, my hands still at least know what they need to do, as I grip the fret board of my guitar tightly, bangs hiding my eyes, crying and afraid.

I'm so afraid of what Doc will do to Nikki...to hell with that bastard threatening me. All that matters now is if taking him down helps Nikki....and speaking of which, I am afraid to lose him all over again with drugs. I mean I've been there so many times, there is so much that I wish I had of said...so much that I blame myself for. I blame myself now, I blame myself now....

At some point, we hammer out the song.... shocking we get it done in one take and plans are made for a music video and a tour this summer, a tour I don't fuckin' want now....

And eventually I head for home, despite protests that I shouldn't be alone and I find myself in my bedroom, stripped down to my boxers lying in bed clutching my pillow, wishing it was Nikki I was holding and that brings back memories of our night together, my holding him.....thinking I was shit at comforting him, everything was new to me, it still IS....and god do I miss the feel of him, the way his body molded to mine , and here in the darkness my light is gone....and I fear it will never return, but I have to do everything I can to bring it back......

I find myself very much alone, and in pain...why DOES it have to hurt so much? I've never known what love was until NOW. And I need to do more than just open my heart, my walls...my walls need to come crashing down....

Eventually I cry my self to sleep, never mind the hour.... time no longer has meaning....and naturally of course, I dream...of Nikki.

The scene is strange, surreal.... or maybe not so strange, lying in my bed in the dark and I hear the creek of my bedroom door and hesitant footsteps, and I know these footsteps, I can see the silhouette of Nikki in the doorway...a Nikki who is in tears.

"J-Joe? C-Can...I.... stay with you? Please.... i know...its...late...and I..." I gently cut Nikki off concerned.

"Nikki, no lie the hour doesn't matter....and I want you to stay with me, its ok. Its ok, you're ok...you will be." Before I can do anything else, I find Nikki in my arms diving into them, sobbing into my chest as I run my fingers through his hair and up and down his back to try and soothe him.

Gradually he calms enough to speak trembling, "I...I...nightmare, my death.... saw you....and...and I don't KNOW if I can do this, go to rehab. Like...I know WHY I need it. And...and my head is in the way. I don't feel.... i mean this...stuff like this is new to me. I just feel so LOST...and I hurt you, for a YEAR...a fucking year you suffered because of ME."

"Nikki looks at me...please." I beg softly, Nikki refuses until I tilt his face where he is looking at me. "I know it still hurts for you; I know just what its like. And you're a lot like me, feeling lost...scared, abused for so many damn years and this is all new to me too and it don't fucking matter how I suffered, what MATTERS is you are here in my arms, ALIVE and where you BELONG. You can do this, rehab, and the like. I believe in you...I LOVE YOU. No lie baby, no lie. You're not alone anymore, you never will be again, neither will I. never doubt that you aren't worthy of me, that you don't deserve a happy ending, because you DO. You deserve the world, Nikki; I want that for you, and I want that WITH YOU."

I am in tears now and to my surprise, my heart threatening to burst as Nikki utters the words....

"So...what I've been feeling since I met you is Love....i see now, I am seeing.... I love you Anthony Joseph Perry. I no lie fuckin' love you. I will still have my moments, my days but you are the only one, I can let my walls down and...." Here Nikki leans in and I pull him tighter to me, knowing what he wants...NEEDS as our lips meet in the most beautiful and emotionally charged kiss......

And then all begins to fade.

A/N: Confrontations, more realizations and reflections, a dream or vision of the possible future Nikki and Joe may eventually share? In time we will see. More to come soon!