Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 13: Tell Me What It Takes to Bring You Back

The days and nights that passed starting with January 5, 1987, were the darkest, longest, most bitter-sweet of my life and really the whole year until I laid eyes on Nikki on the night, he 'died', his overdose...was like that. it was a haze, a haze of interviews, a tour I sure the fuck didn't want, victory for Aerosmith...our comeback assured. The 'victory' for me was very much hollow.... Everything hurt, I was missing what I'd realized was my other half. I couldn't function and at the center of my 'haze' was Nikki.

I had to fight a war, or battles take your pick on many fronts: Taking down Doc, repairing my friendship with Steven ( though that wasn't a war really and took time, but it happened), desperately trying to reach out to Nikki to find him, worried about what that Bastard manager of his was doing to him, if he was safe....and watching him fade before me, watching him DIE....it HURT. But I couldn't let Nikki go, give up...I fucking couldn't. I did whatever it took to bring him back, to feel connected and you will see....

Where you find me, is alone.... bawling my eyes out on ironically Valentine's Day, so some time will have passed and well again you will see....

"N-Nikki.... PLEASE...please a-answer, i...I am worried about you. I don't c-care what happens to me, but I do CARE what happens to you. I... I...am sorry...so sorry for how I've hurt you, not telling you about my past...the drugs.... i just baby...miss the sound of your voice, just miss YOU.... i love you. I love you." I sob, and stammer leaving another message on Nikki's answering machine, setting the phone down with a resounding thud, diving into my pillows clutching at them for dear life.

Alone, with my heart so far from me.... worrying, wishing it was Nikki I was holding, and I didn't know I swear just HOW much I would miss him.... touching him, holding him in my arms.... I didn't know what love was and now I do. So much has happened this month, or past month: Recording 'Angel', doing a music video for said single, every ounce of my love going into it, but fuck is it bitter-sweet...'Permanent Vacation' poised to be a big hit, a tour discussed, record signing deal, wondering around trying to find Nikki all over Sunset especially where he took me...and I can't find him. And of course, Steven FINALLY making amends, slowly repairing, and building an actual friendship. Him especially helping me, dig up dirt on Doc...the guys too putting an ear to the ground and during the midst of my wanderings I did find SOMETHING, sadly not Nikki but I found it with him in mind: a house...mansion which ever....but it screamed him, Mediterranean style, lucky me there was an open house and I could see US...living a life there, a life I dream about. I Dream about him, and every night over and over I see the nightmare of our last day together and I see his death, such darkness it scares me.

I am brought out of my reverie, my pain by knocking on the door....me racing out of bed, hoping for a miracle that its Nikki even though I've never told him where I lived only to find Brad. Steven, I think called earlier....

"I'd thought I'd come see how you were in person; thought I can see ya know? I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, but if you want me to go I will." Concern lacing his tone and gracing his features.

"Y-Yeah.... I...just...hurt.... i miss Nikki.... but I need someone to t-talk to. I could use a friend." I sigh heavily, tearfully turning around heading for my couch, Brad following closing the door. I draw my knees up to my chest, Brad taking my recliner.

Brad sighs heavily and says, "I really DID/DO wanna check on you...but there's another reason I came and maybe its not the time, but well actually two things I need to tell you one of which involves Nikki." Brad is very hesitant. I look up and my heart drops and beats wildly both. "---Nikki is, already getting worse...upping the dosage on Heroin, he will kill himself something I am sure you figure already but hope to fuck ain't true..." He begins, "---He's informed both Doc and their other manager Doug, that he doesn't want to speak to you.... There've been more bruises too but there's more to him wanting you not to speak to him as I am sure you can gather why. I was there actually, or I heard.... he spoke to Mick, crying. He's in his head, fragmented...and I was with Mick, because well...." Brad hesitates but I see the spark in his eyes saying Mars' name and it clicks, "---we recently started seeing each other a few weeks ago." That pain in my chest grows, I AM happy or trying to be for Brad, but it damn well hurts because its not me and Nikki and I break down sobbing and stammering, stumbling to my feet and throwing a bottle of Jack, Nikki's favorite against the wall as it'd been near me.

"T-That BASTARD, that fuckin' BASTARD DOC.... he's.... he's hurting Nikki...." I tasted fear and I didn't think that was possible. "He's...he's sexually and mentally abusing him Brad, Nikki's dying...he may die and that's MY FUCKIN' FAULT!! N-Nikki...is...t-trying to protect me....in...in his way...he IS. He thinks he's not good enough, I...I wish I'd not pushed him away.... i didn't open to him and it's my fault I lost him!" I feel so damn lost and I feel Brad lead me to the couch, me feeling like a broken doll, wishing it was Nikki trying to comfort me. "A-And...I've...I should have listened to you...and I am sorry I haven't been a better friend...." I mumble feeling spent.

"BREATHE JOE..." Firmly, "I fear you may be right about what Doc is doing to Nikki and I KNOW you're doing everything you can to bring him back to you, in the end you WILL get thru to him and for the record its NOT your fucking fault, you hear me? You're a lot like Sixx, traumatic pasts, abuse...in time I pray he comes around. It's not your fault, and in time that you will see. We're all behind you, we are. And you've been a damn good friend, you're a good person and you've also had a lot of shit on you, you have nothing to feel guilty of.... now, why don't you please get some rest or try to? You're dead on your feet..."

I honestly don't remember what the hell happened after this, I believe I made myself pass out, Brad did get me to wake briefly, having had freaked out that I passed out, I don't really remember that either Brad would come to tell me I mumbled that I needed sleep, but most of all I needed Nikki....he rather reluctantly left, as he had a Valentine's date with Mars but everyone checked on me.....what I DO remember is I dreamed, of Nikki naturally and it was so vivid, so real and very bitter-sweet....

What I recall:

It seems that I've been away, but called back scared out of my mind for Nikki and we are in the hospital, him refusing to speak sobbing me trying to comfort him and I note that his stomach is swollen and firm, the baby moving at my touch....

"Hey...hey, look at me Nikki...PLEASE..." I Plead; he shakes his head.

"This...is my fault.... I was. I mean I can't FUNCTION without you, and...and I don't know HOW to slow down, I fall apart with out you Joe, its just scary." Nikki's voice is small, the baby is getting frantic, and I cradle Nikki's face gently in my hands trying to wipe away his tears despite my own.

"Nikki, baby you gotta learn to slow down. It's more than ok to rest, you need it and so does our baby. You've been working so hard at your band's album and baby I am so proud of you. This isn't your fault, no lie. and to be honest, I fall apart when you're not near me, with me but then I think I have YOU, you're always with me as I am with you. It's scary being apart, I know...we're still learning Nikki how to be a couple, but neither of us are alone anyone. All I know is I am gonna take care of you, of our baby...." Here I place my hands on his stomach again relieved the baby is calm now, "---We did this Nikki, we created this little angel inside you...so I was with you all along, I always will be because I love you Nikki...I love you."

"J-Joe.... I love you too. This.... this is all so new, I don't know what I am doing but I have you, I always did I just didn't see." With that I kiss him with everything I am, and it all begins to fade....

A/N: Things will in the end turn out ok. Next chapter, perhaps a time skip///but, we will see Joe fighting for Nikki, to bring Doc down, so stay tuned.