Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 28: My Lover's Strange Ways

God did I HATE leaving Nikki to go back to the states (the first time/trip) and work on Aerosmith's follow up to 'Permanent Vacation.' Otherwise known as 'Pump' which would go on to become a smash hit. Anyway, back to my Nikki.... As I said I HATED to leave him how I did, and I didn't know then...neither did he, that he was pregnant. I remember that plane ride, eternal.... i broke down, worried.... Talking to my bandmates didn't help like I'd hoped or really in the end it did even though it didn't feel like it at the time. I just wanted no need to take care of Nikki and I had yet to learn that I needed to take care of myself. We'd after arriving back in LA, rested a day maybe two during which I called Nikki...and got no answer, which was very strange...very and I was going out of my head...Nikki did call back or leave a message, in tears....so I called back when I could after a break during recording and he broken down and abruptly hung up. I didn't know he was having morning sickness; I didn't know how he'd get dizzy, and I didn't know he was trying so hard to hide everything. And sadly, very much so it took me MUCH longer to return to Nikki, 2 weeks so around April 2, 1988, and unbeknownst to Nikki and I he was around a month & a half into his pregnancy...... And where you will find me is night fall on that early April date, heading down the hall worried about Nikki, and I would run into Mick Mars and well you will see......

I am exhausted, heading now down the hall to see Nikki...I am worried. Brad I'd seen off to Mick's apartment, Steven of course with Vince and now to my surprise I see Mick Mars heading back from the direction of Nikki's room.... which immediately raises my hackles....

"I tried to talk to Nikki. We've all been worried about him, and I know you have especially..." Mick begins right out of the gate, concern clouding his features. "---He's not acting like himself, its worse...different than when he was still on Heroin. But the way he's been feeling and acting, I KNOW remind him of what it was like for him. He hardly talks, he takes off like a rocket all the time or has lately, he's been really fucking moody, and he's scared you will leave him..."

I cut him off narrowing my eyes, "You know what's wrong, don't you?" I sigh heavily in tears now, "Sorry.... thanks for telling me Mick." Mick Knows shit, they don't call him the Alien for nothing after all......

"I suspect...I tried to get him to budge and tell you, I could be wrong...but anyway, if you need me or Brad, please let us know." Mick pats my shoulder in a friendly gesture, and I manage somehow to get my legs to move, and I find myself in Nikki's apartment...Mick's words and Nikki's strange behavior on my mind...thank GOD the door was open, but I don't see Nikki and I drop my bags and race to his bedroom to find the sheets rumpled and again No Nikki and I hear retching and shuddering sobs, coming from the bathroom and I race into find Nikki on his knees, head hanging over the toilet...and I again suddenly find myself holding his hair back, frantically trying to soothe him...feeling guilty as he trembles and jumps a little both.

"Baby...oh Honeybee I am sorry for scaring you! A-And I am sorry it took longer than I thought to...to get here and I PROMISE on my life, I ain't gonna leave you! Please, talk to me...Please Nikki..." I rambled, stammering, crying, and trying to comfort Nikki all at once. Finally, Nikki seems to be finished, sobbing...and he refuses to look at me, backing up into a corner or trying to...breaking my heart.

My life would change forever this night, I was scared...so scared, Nikki even more so.... our lives were forever changed, in a good way....as it turns out.

"Y-You.... You shouldn't....be here.... see me like this! You're gonna hate...hate me.... call me a freak!" Nikki is VERY quickly heading into a bad panic attack, and something tells me to calm him NOW. I take Nikki in my hold, him fighting me before breaking down and clinging to me, him trying to breathe as I gently and slowly rock us back and forth.

"I'm not going anywhere Nikki, and I LOVE you no matter what. I could NEVER EVER hate you or call you a freak, YOU are NOT a freak. You are beautiful inside and out, no lie. You give me reason to fight, to live...to LOVE everyday.... Everyday Nikki, it's YOU. You've not been acting like yourself for a while now, I am not angry...I am worried about you...everyone is. I wont push you, but honeybee it would help you to just let it all out, even if I doesn't feel like it now." I pause a moment, before choking out, "You never have to hide anything from Me...Nikki, I'd never judge you, leave you. I only wanna take care of you.... love you, you deserve that and more.... Just breathe, just breathe baby...please.... PLEASE. I can't lose you...." Time slows, Nikki's breathing gradually begins to slow, he calms.... still trembling, but he calms and still hangs his head and refuses to look at me until I come to cradle his tear-streaked face in my hands. "Please...baby.... talk to me.... please." I beg.

"Joe...Joe.... I.... I...." Nikki stammers before sighing voice so small, "It...It all goes back to my 'mother'.... see.... she found out, that I could.... could......"

Nikki stops.... trailing off.

"It will be OK, I promise you.... you can do this, and I will still love you."

"Joe.... i fear you will...will leave me, I never...I am so fucking SCARED...I feel out of control, LOST...and...and we haven't been back together all that long...." My eyes widen. This.... This...reminds me SO much of that dream, the one where Nikki tells me...., "----Deana, called me a freak cause...I can get pregnant......and...and I've been so scared...of everything, its so hard to tell you...." Nikki takes a deep breath, very much fearful of my reaction as things are finally starting to click, "---I'm pregnant, I...I...just found out, a few days ago.... i was afraid to...I mean.... did you want this? I never meant to..." I cut him off with a gentle finger to his lips, his eyes wide and they widen even further when I bring a hand down to his stomach which feels like...WOW, I never.... thought this would feel like this, that it would hurt...a good hurt. Elyssa lied to me.... about her being pregnant many times, this IS real. I am gonna be a father and that terrifies me, but...I want this... NEED this....

Nikki's stomach is rounded, and firm...small but the beginnings of a baby bump and I break down and my eyes never leave his as I say, "Nikki Sixx....it doesn't fucking matter how long we've been back together; I am terrified to be a father and I know you are scared. You are NOT a freak, this...this...right here, WE did this.... we created a life together, that's OUR baby inside you. It's the most beautiful thing in the world to me. You truly don't know what this means to me baby. I love you; I love you even more so. All this is new to both of us....and I promise it will be ok."

"Y-You...really mean it? W-Want this with ME?" Nikki's tone is hopeful.

"Yes." I breathe, "YES." to my surprise, Nikki brings one of his hands to join with mine, him looking so small...so pale, and yet I see the love and hope in his eyes....

I could NEVER forget that, finding out I was gonna be a father for the first time. Nikki was terrified, but he opened to me and told me...and I in turn would tell him about what Elyssa cheated me out of, how she hurt me and how I never thought I would get the chance or be given the gift of being a father....and next time, you see Nikki and I, I will be caring for my Honeybee....

Things still wouldn't be easy; things were chaotic with both bands and Nikki, and I were still learning to be a couple and to SLOW down and take care of ourselves and each other....

A/N: I couldn't help but go ahead and make it official and now Nikki has told Joe he will be a father and opened to him. Stay tuned for more!