Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 60: My Lover's Heroin Diaries Part 1

-A/N: Diary Entries will be Nikki's POV-

I can feel my husband tremble, him curled up in my arms clinging to me.... I have the diary in my other hand, the other running my fingers thru his hair.... trying to comfort him.

"Hey, I've got you. I know there are things in here that will hurt like a motherfucker for me to read Nikki, but honeybee.... i ain't fucking going nowhere, and I can only love you more for sharing your darkest moments with me, and for that I am SO fucking proud of you."

"I love you...." Nikki murmurs into my chest.

"I love you too baby....no matter what." We share a kiss and then my tears flow as I begin to read.... starting with the night we met.

-Nikki's Diary Entries, September 0f 86-

Fuck, I HATE fighting.... always fighting, and we're recording another album and things are going, not well I may add. 'Girls, Girls, Girls'...more like 'Guys, Guys, Guys'. The band is on my ass, tried to stage a fucking intervention and I argued that I know what I am doing. Heroin is a harsh mistress, but it's all I know. Drugs are all I know, but really the real reasons I do them, like Deana...and then there's Doc. Doc's the one that started me on Heroin, giving it to me as a way to control me...he KNOWS about my past, but yeah the heroin....i can't tell anyone, Doc's threatened me, yet fucking holds it over me...black mails me, breaks me....he beats me when I get fucked up, and he rapes me. I am afraid of the fucker, though I try like hell not to be.

When I was finally released from the studio today, or tonight I was halfway high, numb, and just TIRED. I Went into a bar and bumped into of all people: Joe Perry of Aerosmith. I don't like being touched, I don't trust anyone and before I knew who he was, I shoved him...he was rude, so was I. BUT damn is he attractive, I mean it should be illegal for anyone to look that good. But for some reason, I told him Doc hates my guts.... that's true, yet I couldn't tell him...Doc wants to breed me, so that truly I could never escape him.

Yeah, the bar, Joe and I chatted if you could call it that. He got drunk, I don't remember much, I got wasted and THEN decided to shoot up in the bathroom. Feeling so lost....so lost and broken, and now here in the dark.... needles beside me, needing MORE...to be NUMB.

I trust NO one...no ONE.

-Diary Entry Number 2-

Doc is evil, sadistic, and cruel.... telling me what a fuck up I am, that I alone am sinking the band I poured my heart into it, that I founded. Of all the fucked up shit, he puts me thru.... he brings my 'mother' Deana to the studio, her calling me 'Frankie 'I HATE that name, that's not me...never me, she tried to breed me.... abused me, over and over, called me a freak because I can get pregnant and yeah, I LOST it. Screaming in her face.... hating how small she makes me feel, the fear and Doc, Doc almost hit me....my face I don't think showed anything, but my eyes.... I barely managed to hold back tears, till suddenly a hand grabbed Doc's wrist, holding it in a vice-like grip and the owner was one Joe Perry...

Joe, I DON'T understand why he did that....no one in my world, does things just because, to HELP me. I don't trust it; I don't trust him and it's all I've ever known. Then Joe Perry, I really don't get.... He didn't back down, and Doc for a moment seemed AFRAID of him, Joe threatened him, and my nerves were shot, and it was all I could do to hold back tears, I could feel myself shaking and I HATED it. But then Joe suggested we smoke and then we talked a bit and for some reason I found myself suggesting I show him around Sunset, educating him 'LA-Style'.

I am gonna shoot up, that's all I am.... a worthless junkie, but the nightmares.... They will still come, they will come.

I paused a moment, heart heavy and breaking and trying to hold back my anger at that bastard Doc.

"I should have killed that bastard!" I snap, tearfully. "I nearly did....and I would do it over and fucking over too."

"I know you would Joe, you nearly did that for ME. You defended me, loved me even though we were apart and suffering in our own ways, going through hell. You've done things for me, no one has ever done...and I love you babe, I love you. We're in this together, and I ain't letting you go, and I KNOW you'll never let me go."

"Never baby, never." I swear and then, "I love you too Nikki and I can't tell you what it means to me that you're sharing this with me, despite how much it hurts."

"Kiss me."

"You never have to ask Honeybee..." I trail off, maneuvering my husband to where I can capture his lips, and I calm before, I decide to read on in my husband's diary......Nikki and I clinging to one another.

-Nikki's Diary Entry. October 10, 1986-

I had to sneak away to write this, sort of sober well more sober than usual.... i had to take a hit, just a small one. And I am sure booze will come to play at some point, by some 'miracle' we've managed to get some work done on the album, though Doc is always fucking hovering. And too he seems suspicious of me because I've been hanging out with Joe Perry, mainly smoke breaks but still. And for some reason, I SWEAR Aerosmith's lead singer hates my guts and I don't even know the fucker nor what I did to him and on second thought I don't fucking care.

Tonight though, I wanna forget and I plan on showing Perry around Sunset and for some reason, I feel I Dunno strangely nervous......i hear noises now, I better go...

"I think Mick found me, thank God.... He knew, I think, but I remember every moment of that night until we both got so wasted, and even then, I had dreams about it. For a night, I think we both let go and I had the best time I'd ever had and there's something I wish I'd told you before now, and I thought I dreamed it.... but I felt like...you were running your fingers thru my hair, gently....no one had ever treated me that way, but YOU did. You did baby, even though neither of us realized we'd caught feelings.... we were falling in love." Nikki sniffles, whispering.

"Nikki.... i was doing that.... I didn't realize it, but it was real. And even if it HAD been a dream, it was still fucking real and you honeybee, are SO right....so damn right." I whisper, holding Nikki tighter to me loving the fact he is here, here in MY arms....

We take a break and use the bathroom....me setting the diary aside for now, and then we check on Josephine who is still sleeping away and with out waking her, my husband and I kiss her little forehead and we linger watching over her, whispering, 'We love you so much sweet little bee.'

Where you next find Nikki and I, will be back in our bedroom holding tight to one another, as I read more thru my husband's, 'Heroin Diaries'....

A/N: Part 1 is done, and I am thinking about making my take on the Heroin Diaries Joe is reading through four parts. So stay tuned for more!