Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 18: At the Corner of Death and Love Part 2

I wake up with a scream, screaming Nikki's name...and I look around wildly. Please God, please let him be alive still! Please tell me if getting to him in time really happened?!

"Mr. Perry? You're in the hospital, you're ok." I am vaguely aware a nurse is addressing me, but I can't calm down till I KNOW.

"W-What happened? And...is...N-Nikki Sixx still alive?" I croak, tears starting to roll down my cheeks, but I am already calmer than I was, though I am shaking.

"You passed out, severe exhaustion...and Mr. Sixx is alive, and he is awake. And is hysterical---" She goes to say more when I cut her off.

"Take me to him...please?" I beg. "I NEED to see him."

Her look is thoughtful, and though I can tell she is itching to try and get me to rest, she nods. I manage to stand, and she leads me to Nikki's room, and I hear him, shouting.... agonizing screams, my heart breaks.

"LET ME GO!!" I can hear him shout, sobbing. I don't hesitate to enter the room despite the other nurses' protests, and I hope I can calm him and get through to him.

"Nikki! Its ME.... It's Joe. I promise you...." I break down, "That I AM real.... but right now, I need you to breathe. PLEASE, they are not trying to hurt you...if they do, they will answer to me."

"J-Joe....you're not.... no.... you can't be r-real......" Nikki shakes his head in disbelief, in shock, and is so scared and out of it. I approached him without hesitation until I am at his side and carefully take his hand, though he tried to jerk it away. "I... I hurt you.... Doc.... will.... I'm not.... You're with Steven. Just...go." I see many emotions swirling in his eyes, eyes dulled by pain...I see fear and I see the spark...that spark Mars mentioned. I refuse to let go of his hand, as I sit at his side.

"N-Nikki...NO LIE, I am real. And I ain't going anywhere baby. I know you're scared and feeling lost.... you DIED Nikki. You've been dying and that's KILLED me.... This is my fault. I realized.... I realized I loved you the day you left, I lost you then and I almost lost you again for good. I should have been honest from the beginning Nikki, about everything.... You were right, right when you told me that I kept you at arm's length. I tried so hard to tell you when you left, and I will tell you now. I treated you the way I did because I don't know or have never known what the fuck love was, what It meant, how to comfort someone...none of that. I was in abusive relationships, physical abuse...mental and then there was my drug abuse. I LIED to you about Heroin. I didn't know how to tell you.... see, I overdosed once. My heart stopped...it was incredibly fucking painful; it wasn't worth it. I was addicted to everything.... You name it, I did it. And as for Steven? I realize now, especially Nikki, that it would have been better coming from me. To be blunt, we were fuck buddies, drug buddies. I have never been 'with him' not truly. They call us the Toxic Twins for a reason, we're toxic to each other. I when I was young, found myself sometimes wanting to love him, but time and again.... He'd let me down and so eventually I left Aerosmith around 7 years ago. Everything was too much. The drugs, the fights....and what Steven said to you that day.... Nikki, he did it to hurt you, on purpose.... He was jealous of YOU. And he didn't see that, YOU are my greatest addiction, that I was and am still very much in love with you." I never once take my eyes from Nikki's, who it doesn't seem to know how to react....at first as I finish my emotional speech for now. Now, he sobs.... trying to find his voice and when he does....

"I still don't understand Joe, HOW...my feelings.... everything. I want...so much to believe you...but HOW after all this time? I left because I felt you could do better than me, I thought you'd change your mind and go back to Steven. I wouldn't listen to you, Doc.... I fear you wouldn't still love me if you truly knew. And I KNOW you put that fucker and Deana in Jail.... Joe.... I'm not worthy of you, look what I DID to you, I hurt you...I didn't mean to.... i just.... i was gonna ask you to help me that day..." Nikki takes a breath, "I got your letter.... I couldn't bring myself to read it, and the tape you sent. I didn't feel I deserved them, but I couldn't let them go. I saw you everywhere, but when I'd reach for you...you'd disappear. I am a fucked-up mess, I've never known.... anyone like you." He whispers at the end, dropping his gaze until I gently tilt his face up.

"Nikki.... i didn't know what love was until I met you...till I lost it. I didn't know how much it would hurt. I don't know what I am doing, what I do know is I'd do anything for you. Anything. Nothing you could ever do or tell me, would make me not love you. I had to see you again.... I had to, and if you hadn't had been brought back. I would have followed you baby. You are MORE THAN worthy, you deserve happiness, love, the truth. I know what Doc did to you, enough to get the picture. I nearly killed him, put him in the hospital for YOU. You were trying to protect me, you came to me for comfort, you were vulnerable around me, you were and are just YOU Nikki Sixx. Its ok to be afraid, I am too.... i don't know what a good relationship is like, but I know.... with you, I felt normal, and I didn't know it. All you're feelings, the way you looked at me...the way you felt, my skin on yours....me holding you.... Your feelings and mine are LOVE Nikki. You love me, I know you do."

"Its...gonna hurt.... d-detoxing. And....and.... wow.... holy shit.... I thought DYING hurt. But this year with out you...." Nikki trembles, "---Hurt more." ...." Nikki pauses before speaking again, "The letter.... its.... its...in my jacket and the tape." Nikki gestures with his head and I follow his gaze before once more our gazes lock, "YOU are real, you're the most real thing I've felt. You.... You've done things for me, no one ever has. And you PROMISE.... you'll always be open and honest?"

"It will hurt, it DOES. And I feel the same way you do Nikki. I want you to read the letter, we will do it together. Like I said, NO LIE.... I would do anything for you. I promise I will always be open and honest with you. You are my greatest addiction, my greatest love, I've come to see that over the course of this year. And too I promise what you are feeling is love, and together I want to learn with you."

"O-Ok..." Nikki exhales raggedly. "I am really in a lot of pain...but I SEE that you mean every word, you always have Joe Perry. Together we will learn.... I'll read the letter and listen to the tape.... but first a few things that I now feel I can say: One, I love you.... I see that now. And two.... would you kiss me? Three, Will you stay with me? I can't be alone...and I am starting to see, that I won't be anymore. Four, can you handle my baggage?"

"I love you too Nikki.... you need not ask for me to kiss you, three I ain't going anywhere, four.... now you can begin to heal, we both can...together." He leans in and I lean in before I capture for the first time in SO long his lips. Nikki clutches at my shoulders, I pull him closer to me to deepen our kiss as he and I are in our own world.

A/N: AN emotional reunion, confessions, and more. Next chapter, Nikki just may read Joe's letter and at last hear the song that Joe wrote for him.