Something about you

Chapter 45.

{Caitlyn}

(NY Hotel)

°December 18, 1987.°
(sunday)

I stand in front of the hotel door, wiping away my tears, trying to get myself together.
Visiting my mother was difficult and I couldn't help but break down and cry.
I miss you.
So so much.
I-I'm sorry.
The pills. The pain. The crying. The emotional break downs. The distancing myself from everything and anything. From Michael. From you.
I'm sorry for it all. Sorry for-
Everything. I just want to see you again.
I'll make this right.
I'll do better.
I'll get help.
I sigh and taking a deep breath, unlocking the door.
I walk into the bedroom and see Michael sitting on the bed staring at the floor.
"Mikey?" I whisper not trying to startle him and not wanting for him to hear my voice cracking.
"Caitlyn we need to-" he looks up and his his brows knit together.
"Cait, what's wrong?"
"I was just visiting my mother's- you know, and I got very emotional."
"Your mothers grave?"
"Yes. It still feels like a foreign word to say. It doesn't feel right. Why?"
"Baby it's just hard for you to say the word, I understand. It makes you think about it and makes you very emotional. It's okay,"
"No Michael! Why? Why did she have to die!? Why her? She didn't deserve it! She had so much to live for! Things were turning around for the better for us and then this happens! She was happy! I was happy with her. Why Michael? Why!?"
I instantly fall to my knees and cover my face sobbing.
Michael sits next to, holding me close.
"I didn't have anyone Michael. I was so alone."
"I know baby, I'm sorry. I know it was hard when- when I wasn't there for you. I know your father hasn't been there either and I'm sorry. But I've got you now and that's what matters. I know your mother is happy now. She's smiling. She looks down and she's proud of you. I know it. You've got to stay strong."
We sit in silence for what seems like forever until I calm down.
"Now you tell me Caitlyn, why?"
"Why what?"
He stands up as I do the same.
He then walks over to the bed and pulls a bag from under the pillow dumping the contents onto the bed.
My eyes widen at the sight.
"Why?" he whispers, but I can still hear the hurt in his voice.
I didn't know this would hurt him.
"Michael I- It's not- I was just..."
"You what? It's not what I think? Huh!? Tell me Caitlyn! Tell me why! Why are you taking all of these damn pills!? So very frequently! Are you trying to hurt yourself!? Huh!?"
"Michael-"
"You know what? Sit on the bed. Im going to ask you about each and every bottle and your going to tell me why you take them."
I do as I'm told and he picks up a bottle showing it to me.
Pills for anxiety.
"You know I have anxiety Michael. It's nothing new." I huff.
"But why so many pills? Before it was just one, and that wasn't even everyday."
"I just worry about alot. Everything actually. Expecially my body and stuff like that. I got help. Marie, she's helped me stop having to take them and my doctor says I don't need them anymore. I won't take them anymore. Michael please don't worry. I've stopped taking those. Expesially now since you made me feel better about myself. I feel wanted now.. Please believe me."
He stares at me intensly trying to find a hint of a lie but no matter how much he searches he won't find any.
"Okay. Next. These two basically go along so I'm guessing they have the same reason behind it."
He's right.
Pain Killers. Migraine Pills.
"They take away the pain. I get headaches from thinking and worrying and stressing so much Michael. They just numb the pain for a few hours until I can fall asleep. Or until I feel better."
"If they make you sleep why do you take the Sleeping Pills!? Huh Caitlyn? Tell me!"
"Michael! I can't sleep at night! I can't unwind! I can't get these thoughts out of my head! You have no idea what I've been through when you were gone! I've been through more than you know and more than I've told you! I'm afraid! I don't feel safe sometimes! Sleeping makes all my pains go away Michael!"
His eyes soften.
"What happened to you Caitlyn?"
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell. I got angry, I'm so sorry."
"No. Not that. What happened to you while I was gone? Please."
"I- I..." I close my eyes and tears flow rapidly down my cheeks without hesitation.
I can't stop these tears from falling.
"He, touched me... I didn't want it to happen! I didn't know what to do! I tried to fight back ! I did what I could! I stopped him from rapping me but not from touching me! I tried so hard to fight back! I'm sorry! I tried! This is all my fault! I couldn't stop him. I'm sorry."
At this point Michael also has tears in his eyes and can't even speak.
He pulled me closer and into his lap in one swift movement.
Feeling his heartbeat, his warmth, his embrace the tears continued to flow.
I couldn't help it.
"Who?"
"Les. Michael I tried , I really did try. It's all my fault. I didn't fight hard enough! I should've kept trying! Maybe if I did he wouldn'y have molested me! Michael it's all my fault. It happened more than once! I'm sorry! I tried! I'm sorry!"
"Caitlyn hush! It's not your fault! At all! Baby you fought back and you tried okay? Baby I'm so sorry this happened. I'm here for you. I always will be, okay?"
"Thank you. For everything. I'm so sorry. About this pills Michael."
"Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"You'll get help. Professional."
"Michael I-"
"I'll be there every step of the way. You can't be afraid. I've got you."
"Okay. I promise."
"Good."
Michael lays down and pulls me gently with him.
He runs his fingers through my hair while softly singing in my ear allowing me to relax.
I snuggle closer to Michael, needing to feel his warmth and longing to feel safe.
Being close to him makes me feel safe. I'll get help. For me. For mom. For Michael. I will. I promise I will.
Michael's soft voice and touch help me fall asleep and soon I drift off into a deep sleep, forgetting the pain for a while.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
It'll get better.
I'll get better.
The cloudy days will drift away.

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So Moonwalkies what'd you think? Took me a little to write this since I totally forgot my storyline (from being off so long.) but please tell me how you feel and what you think. Happy New Years Loves. Hope you had a good day ~L.M.F.M <3

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