L u k e
Most people watch porn, and I know that. Sure when me and Michael are apart, there's always that feeling that he's looking at someone other than me, but I never let it get to me. I know porn is just some weird, messed up fantasy for people to think about and watch while they do whatever, and I shouldn't let it affect me. I wasn't gonna risk sending pictures and videos of myself, so I might as well get over the fact that Michael needs something.
At least that's what I thought until I saw my competition.
I was logging on Michael's computer to watch Netflix, but tumblr was opened when I turned it on. I was surprised by the images I saw, and I always told myself I'd just close out of it if this ever happened, but I found myself scrolling through this account.
I saw how beautiful this boy was. He was in Michael's saved searches. I would've been okay if Michael was watching some threesome, or random video that would mean nothing, but the fact that he comes to this one boy whenever he wants something hot to look at, really kinda hurt.
He managed to find someone so much more beautiful than me who would also be there whenever Michael felt sexual.
He had tan skin, and he was short, and had a flawless face. He never posted videos with other people, just videos of himself getting off. He looked so innocent and sweet, and I guess that's what Michael wants the most.
I felt my eyes fill with tears once I started comparing myself to him. I'm pale, he's tan. I'm tall, he's short. I'm fat, he's so fit. I have acne, he's perfect.
-
Over the past week, I've been working my ass off. I've eaten so healthy, ran three miles a day, and did several ab challenges. I even went to the beach and tried tanning, surprised to see it actually kinda worked out. Nothing really seemed to help my acne scars though. I still had those, and I still wasn't comfortable in my own body, but I was making progress.
I used to be happy with myself until I saw that Michael really didn't think I was the most gorgeous guy on the planet, like he always said.
If he did, he wouldn't try to find someone else to look at.
I stood in front of the full length mirror, and saw the door open behind me, revealing Michael.
"You look beautiful.." He whispered, and I sighed, just not seeing what he saw.
I walked over to the dresser and pulled out one of his shirts, putting it on over my bare chest.
"If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?" I asked softly, and turned to look at him.
He furrowed his eyebrows, and walked over to me. "What are you talking about?" He asked.
"I wanna be your dream guy, Michael. I know I'm not super attractive, and there are so many more guys who look so much better than me, so just tell me one thing you want me to change so I can work on it." I said, and he shook his head.
"If I could change one thing, it would be the frown on your face. I'd also change the way you talk down to yourself. I've noticed how hard you've pushed yourself, and how many times you've stepped onto a scale this week, and I just want you to be happy. What happened, Luke? You used to be so happy with yourself." He said, and I scoffed.
"That's before I saw my competition on your computer.." I whispered, and he sighed, walking over to me, and hugging my waist.
"Baby.." He whispered, and I could tell he didn't know what to say.
I looked up and he pressed his lips to my forehead. "Luke, you are so beautiful, and I don't know how I can get you to believe me, but you have to. There's nothing I can find on some dumb website that will ever make me want someone more than you." He told me quietly, but I still felt dumb and insecure in front of him. I really shouldn't feel that way.
"You still don't believe me?" He asked, and I looked up at him, letting the look in my eyes speak for itself.
He held my hand, and led me over to the bed. I sat down on the edge, and he kneeled down in front of me. He ran his hands up my legs, and ran them back down to rest them on my knees.
"Luke, you've gotta know that no amount of working out, or eating less is gonna make me love you any more than I already do. I don't want you to look like a porn star. I want you to just be happy, and whatever you look like doing it is what really matters. You can weigh 4 hundred pounds, but as long as you have that smile on your face you'll always be so beautiful to me. Sure, when I first met you, all I noticed was your appearance, and I thought you were hot. That's all I thought about you, but as I've grown to love, and to fall in love with you, I see that your heart, your smile, your kindness, and how humble you are is what I've really fallen in love with. I haven't fallen in love with only your body, even though that's an added bonus..." He said, and I laughed a little.
"But Luke, I know you're always shy when it comes to sex, and I know you're not super comfortable with it yet. I don't want to pressure you, so I find my own way, but Luke I don't know one thing about that guy, and I don't even know his name, but what I do know is that the boy that I'm gonna marry some day isn't behind a computer screen. He's sitting right in front of me, and he looks so damn gorgeous right now."
