My fingers drum against my thigh. I'm sitting up in my bed, staring off into space while a movie plays. It was Friday afternoon. For once, I didn't have to work. I wish I did. I wish I had work. It would help me escape these feelings.
No one loves me. It's a false statement, but such strong emotions are attached to it. People hate hanging out with me. Another lie. It's just what my brain has gathered from the many text messages.
I've been texting friends all day. They have work, they have significant others, they have school, they don't want to. Excuses, excuses. The one Friday I wasn't scheduled to work, and here I am, wasting it away.
Alone. That's what I was. Alone, lonely, isolated. That's what I felt. Funny how I use to love being alone, but then I remember that I didn't. When I was younger, no one wanted to hang out with me. Nothing has changed. It did for awhile, but I guess it was just a phase.
The thoughts are so familiar. The self-loathing. The pity party. The "I like being alone anyway" reminders. I don't. It's just what I'm used to.
My bare thigh is a blush red from me pinching it. It happens sometimes when I get too deep in my thoughts.
Maybe I could do an essay that's due in a few weeks. I don't want to. I don't want to waste another weekend cramped up in my room. I want to go out and do something. But no one wants to come with.
Should I go by myself? I need summer clothing. I've been meaning to get new items anyway. If I'm going to shop alone, why don't I just do it online? There's no point in wasting gas. I'm going to be socially awkward anyway. Just do it. It'll be fine. Listen to music and shop. Sounds like a good plan. Go look for some books too. Yeah.
But that doesn't fix the entire problem. Sure, it's a nice idea. I just wanted to hang out with my friends before college started. Guess that's not happening any time soon.
Jisung would usually be my go-to friend, but he has a girlfriend. He has a job. We've tried going on this shopping trip for three weeks now, and each time, he bails. There's no use.
My other friends have work. Minho and Seungmin are both working their asses off because the colleges they're going to are expensive. Changbin and Jeongin simply didn't want to. Chan... well, he lives far now, but I asked. We both aren't busy. He told me his social meter was low. I completely understand. My social meter disappears quickly. But him and I haven't hung out in years. I thought maybe he would put an effort in to at least try and want to hang out. He used to be my best friend. I don't know what to call him anymore.
As I get older, everything sucks more and more. People have less time. People are starting their lives. I'm trying to too, but I'm trying my best to still have a social life. I love my friends so much. It's not mutual anymore. And it really hurts. It's scary, too. I don't want to lose my friends. They're the best I've had.
It's funny how I'm always the one making the plans. I always invite people out. Not the other way around. They always say they miss me. They don't. If they did, they'd try harder. I put too much effort in and it's never recognized. I should stop doing that. I care too much. People will take advantage if they haven't already. I'm so tired of caring.
I just want to disappear without repercussions. I don't want "Missing Person: Lee Felix/Yongbok" on Apple's fucking news site.
Maybe I'll just go by myself. Get some coffee. Look at new clothing. Be more independent. I could use some time by myself. I guess.
•How was this?
Sorry, I'm kind of in a shitty mood. I didn't realize what I was writing until I reread it and saw that I was narrating my own life again•
