I unlock my apartment door, shivering from the rain that continued to drip off of my shoulders. Before I can yell to my boyfriend, I hear a moan.
Embarrassment floods my cheeks. He probably got needy while I was at work. I take my coat off, setting my keys down. I tiptoe to our bedroom, stopping in my tracks when I hear two different moans.
My heart stops. I fling open the door, my eyes widening when I see another man in my bed. Everything is blurry. I can't breathe.
"Jisung! I-it's not- it's not what it looks like. You weren't supposed to be home so early. This didn't mean anything- it doesn't! I love you."
Every emotion hits me at once. I want to scream at him and hit him. I want to bawl my eyes out. I want to run and forget everything.
But I don't. I clench my jaw, squeezing the door knob I was still holding onto.
"Get out," I growl.
"Jisung, please-"
"Get the fuck out of my apartment before I call the cops. Get out, Doyoung!" I scream, his other lover already out of the bed and grabbing his clothes.
He scrambles out, and I only watch. I wasn't going to breakdown in front of him. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. When he walks past, he gives me a look. I glare away at the ground.
The door shuts. I go to the living room, laying down and holding a throw pillow to my chest. And I cry. I cry for so long. I cry so hard. I cry until I put myself to sleep.
My body aches when I wake up. I don't stretch it out. I curl in more. I had work today. I wasn't going. I didn't care anymore. Why try your best at everything when the world won't see it? No point in anything.
My heart felt like an abyss. Full of nothing.
Hours pass. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. My phone dies, but not before I get endless texts from Doyoung and other friends.
I cry some more. It hurt too bad to not. My back was killing me. I hadn't moved. I hadn't eaten. I hadn't used the bathroom. I hadn't wanted to even be conscious.
Another day goes by. I felt so weak. So hungry with no appetite. So tired though I've slept most of the day. I should probably use the bathroom. Maybe I stink. I don't know.
What if I stink? So what? I didn't care.
How was I supposed to go into my bedroom again? See those sheets covered in sweat and lust that wasn't mine. Someone else. How was I so easily replaced? Why was I not enough?
I cry again, pulling myself up from my fetus position. Everything hurt, inside and out. I get to the bathroom, using the toilet and washing my hands. I kept the light off. I couldn't bare to see myself.
When I come out, there's a knock on the door. I ignore it. I don't want to see Doyoung. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to love him.
I lay back on the couch, spread out a bit more. I was so cold. Tears fall again. Why was I never good enough? I couldn't stand the aching in my heart. It hurt so bad.
Another knock on the door, but it seemed more frantic. If he wants to freak out on me because I'm not opening the door, he can. Fuck him.
Another knock.
I whip myself off of the couch and stomp to the door. I clenched my jaw, not caring how I looked. I wanted to scream and yell at him.
When I pull the door open, I open my mouth to say something, but stop. Jeongin, Chan, and Minho are at my door. They stare at me as if I were a different person. Maybe I was.
