I breathe in deeply, my stomach twisting and tumbling. I clench my jaw, closing my eyes and continuing to breathe until I could feel the lump in my throat disappear.
"Lix?"
The sudden disruption made it all come back again. Try again, Lee. Just try again.
I ignore the voice, biting my tongue instead and taking in some chilly air. I feel my hands begin to tremble, and my heart rate starts to pick up. My breathing quickens, everything falling apart again. Again.
"Lixie."
"Shut up!" I scream, rasp joining my vocal cords when they move. "Just stop! Stop it! Stop, please stop..."
My lips quiver, the lump back inside of my throat. I press my palms against the sides of my head, the pressure building up.
"Why doesn't anyone ever ask if I'm okay?" I cry out, talking more to myself than him. "No one ever does. I'm always the one who takes care of people. No one is taking care of me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to say, but every time I slightly even mention something in my life that's troubling, you don't respond to it. It's like I hadn't even said anything. But when you need me, I'm always there. Always. I woke up at four in the morning to drive to you and take care of you because you were stressed. Why do I worry about things that don't matter? I love taking care of you and the guys, I do. But who is taking care of me? I can't keep this to myself anymore. I can't. I never get compliments from you either. I never get anything from you except maybe a hug if I fucking ask. Why doesn't anyone ever ask if I'm okay? I can't do this anymore. I can't. I just want to lay in my bed and give up. Bin, I... I'm so selfish. I'm so sorry that I have these thoughts. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I keep moving forward, but for what? I can't do this anymore. I don't want to try anymore."
The tears burn as they slip down my heated cheeks. I refuse to make eye contact with him. I'm breathing heavily, relieved of the weight that held my shoulders down only to add twice as much anxiety when I realize what I've done.
I gasp in, covering my mouth with my hand in shock. Lock down. Now. Lock down.
"Get out," I growl, staring down at my bedroom rug with hatred only for myself.
"Felix..."
"Get out, Changbin!" I scream, standing up and grabbing the closest thing to me (a pillow), I throw it at my I-don't-even-know-if boyfriend.
In a flash, Changbin had me tied up in his arms. He was whispering apologies in my ear so quiet that I could barely hear him over my harsh breathing.
"I can't do this anymore," I sob over his apologies. "Too much, it's too much. I need you so much right now. I need you so much. Please, just take me away. Distract me. Do something. Please, Binnie, please. Help me."
"I will, Lix. I will. I'm right here. I'm here. Just let it out. You're so fucking strong for going forward instead of giving up. I'm so sorry for not noticing. I'm so sorry."
I just shake my head, crying too hard to be able to give a verbal response. His touch felt so odd. He's never held me like this before. He's barely even held me on his own; I normally shove myself into his arms when I see a chance (it was literally like once) or I hold him.
I felt so touch deprived. I was soaking in everything from this hug; I didn't know if I'd get another chance like this.
"I'll try harder for you, Lix. I'm so sorry, I didn't know how you felt. Thank you for telling me, even if it's a little too late. I'm sorry you had to go through this so alone."
Again, I said nothing. Though my cries were dying down, I had no energy to reply. I just needed to be held so bad. I just needed to feel protected for once.
"Take some deep breaths for me, sweetheart," he began again after some minutes of listening to my unstable breathing.
My breathing continued to hiccup, sending some painful strikes to my chest. After a few more tries of forcing myself breathing to regulate, my heart rate began to settle.
"Are you feeling okay physically?" He asks softly, pulling away to look at me only to be pulled back.
I wasn't going to let go, not yet. I was so scared that this would be the last time.
"Just a little longer," I whisper, "please."
He hums in agreement, "of course."
"A-and yes, physically. I'm just tired," I reply to his earlier question, not wanting to ignore it.
"Do you want to go to bed? It's late anyway. We can always put on a movie if you want," he suggests, making sure to put a lot of thought into it.
I nod, and finally, after forever, release his shirt that was balled up in my fists. Our bodies separate, the cold swooping in and pulling up the chilled bumps on my arms and neck.
"Go wash your face with some cool water and dampen your neck with a cool towel. It'll make you feel better. I'll set up a movie for us."
Heading out into the hallway and into the bathroom, I take in another deep breath. I turn on the faucet, letting it run before making a bowl with my hands and leaning down to splash my face. Immediately when the cool water hit me, relief of some sort hit me. I made sure to get my neck as well, following Changbin's instructions.
Coming back into the room, Bin is already stripped down to his T-shirt and boxers. I follow in suit, putting on pajama bottoms instead of leaving my bare legs out.
We get into bed, him pressing play on Into The Spider-Verse. It was my favorite, and it made me feel better knowing that he remembered.
"I really, truly love you, Felix," Binnie says, letting me cuddle into his chest.
"I really, truly love you, too, Changbin."
•How was this
Oop- I felt this one too much•
