My breathing hitched as I listened to what my aunt was telling me. My parents had been in a car accident. They were both in the hospital in Daegu. Hours away from Incheon.
"Do you want me to come down there and get you?" She questions, her voice obviously strained since she had been crying.
"N-no, no. They would want me to go to school. Please, call me and tell me how they're doing each day," I say, breathing in heavily while trying not to cry.
"I will. Take care, Jisung-ssi. Be safe. Call me if you need anything. I love you," she says, her voice quivering as another wave of tears comes.
"I-I love you, too," I say before hanging up.
What was I going to do? I sat down on the couch, taking in the information. They were alive, still. I wasn't sure of their condition. Should I call someone? Or do I want to be alone? Minho popped into my head. I could never bother him, he said, but I knew that once I saw him, I'd burst into tears. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm so sick of crying. But everything keeps hitting me like a bus. Wave over wave.
I decided against calling him. Instead, I took in calm breaths, and headed upstairs to my room. My mind was rushing with thoughts, but I didn't know what I was thinking about. I just didn't know what to do. What are you supposed to do in this type of situation?
You're supposed to cry. You're supposed to go see that person. Make sure they're okay. But I was unable to do that. Do I just live as if nothing's happened? Not inform anyone? Stop thinking so much. When you think too much, you get sad.
I stayed up the entire night, sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking. My eyes were widened in fear. Fear of the future of their lives. Of my life.
I felt dull. Not numb, but dull. Like everything just shattered in front of me. I had no one. But everyone was here. It's my fault I was alone this time. No ones fault but mine.
I felt selfish thinking this way. While my parents were in the hospital fighting for their lives, I was being selfish and regretting not offing myself when I had the chance.
My phone dinged, but I ignored it. I don't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to drown in self pity. But I didn't know what to do.
Lonely; Alone. Isolated. By myself. On my own. Solo. Outcast. Abandoned. Rejected. Unhappy.
Synonyms of lonely. But I made it that way.
Minho popped inside my head again. Maybe I wanted to cry. Maybe I wanted a hug. Maybe I needed him by my side at this time.
My breathing turned shaky and suddenly I wanted to scream for him. Deep breaths, Jisung. I wanted my friends. I wanted to be comforted by them. But something stopped me.
Don't be a bother. They have enough problems. But they care about you. Do they? Of course they do. No they don't, they just deal with you. No, no, no. They love you. They care about you.
The battle inside my head made me dizzy. Focus on the problem, Jisung. What's the problem again?
My breathing started getting heavier as my thoughts continued to tangle inside my head. Panic. That's all I could feel underneath my skin. You're panicking Jisung. Stop panicking.
