ꨄThe Debutanteꨄ

125.

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Continued

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Lori stared at Anika frozen, trying to process what she was saying. "And...yes...I wanted them with Tori but...I didn't think I'd ever want them as much as I do now. With you." Said Anika, a glimmer in her eyes.

Lori continued to stare at her, with a lump in her throat. She didn't know what to say. She and Anika talked about this before, but it was brought up so rarely and in such vague detail it didn't seem like something that was on Anika's mind as much.

Lori was never against kids but...she's had three...and it would have been four if...

She looked down into her lap then letting out a sigh. "I don't know if it's a good idea, Anika..." She said, then standing up from the table. "What?" Anika asked. "Why come it isn't?" She asked. She followed her to the kitchen. "I just don't think it is.." Lori responded, opening the fridge, taking out an apple. "Well you can't just say you don't think it's a good idea then not give me any explanation." Anika said, following Lori to the sink where she took a knife out of the holder. She rinsed the apple.

"You could at least go into a little detail." Anika said sarcastically. Lori reached into the bottom cabinet to take out the cutting board, then rinsing it in the sink.

"I don't have an explanation." Lori said, then turning to sit everything on the kitchen island. She began to chop up the apple. Anika stood next to her. "What do you mean you don't have an explanation?" Anika asked. "I just don't." Lori said. "Well, you need to give me one. Is it the age difference?" She asked. "No." Lori replied. "Do you think we can't financially afford it?" Anika questioned. "No...!" Lori answered.

Anika crossed her arms. "Then what is it?" She asked. "Anika, please." Lori said, groaning. "Look, if you don't want anymore because you already have some, I'd rather you just say that-" Lori hit the knife down on the cutting board, making Anika pause.

"Can you stop?" She asked in an annoyed tone. "You want why I don't think it's a good idea? It's not the age difference, it's only half the fact that I did parenting over thirty years go..." Lori said. "But what if you get pregnant, and it's a girl?" She said.

"What?" Anika asked. Lori continued cutting the apple."I told you about my first pregnancy. I was supposed to have a daughter. My first and only girl. As scared as I was being pregnant at a young age, I was so happy because I always heard that girls weren't easy to get. But then...I don't know how. I don't know why. Maybe it was too soon. But one day she was there, then the next I was being rushed to the hospital because..." She trailed off. "I thought I was just having a weak bladder...because being pregnant you always have to go all the time..." She said, showing a shameful smirk to herself.

"I don't even remember how many months I was. But it hurts me every day. And as happy as I am to have my boys...it always dawns on me that someone is missing. I don't even remember how long I didn't want Lucious to touch me." She explained.

"Girls are blessings, but they're hard to keep. Pregnancy can be a nightmare. And for you to get pregnant, it'll be from a man that neither of us are with. My daughter was supposed to have part of my face. Talk like me. But the one you have will only look like you. And I'll still love her, but there won't be an ounce of me in her. So I don't want any more kids because I've had enough boys and don't want any girls. Ever again. And I know how selfish of me that sounds." Lori said.

Anika stared at her in silence. This radiating silence was only broken by the faint noises of the chopping board. Lori didn't look at Anika despite her knowing that Anika was staring directly at her. Although, Anika didn't say anything. She simply turned away, took her laptop from the table, and headed upstairs. Lori released a huff. Anika knew about her miscarriage but had no idea about how spiteful she had become towards the idea of pregnancy. Even though it happened over thirty years ago, it still felt fresh like an open wound that would never close.

...

Lori stared up at the ceiling, listening to the late night rain that began about ten minutes prior hitting up against the large window. Anika was curled up beside her asleep, facing away from her and not making any physical contact. But Lori couldn't sleep after talking about what she did tonight. It was still there. In her mind. But now it was as vivid as ever.

She still didn't tell her about the toll it took on her mental health. If anyone besides her knew what was going on with her mentally after it happened, she would be considered insane. She didn't tell Anika about the nights she spent staying awake and crying, afraid to fall back to sleep because of the constant nightmares she had about the moment she saw the blood.

She didn't tell her about how when she was home alone she'd ball up a blanket and pretend it was her daughter. Talking to it and rocking it to sleep the way she had planned to do if she were there. She didn't mention when she would still have the urge to ask Lucious to buy baby clothing, but then remember that she no longer had a baby. To think about the fact that your child died inside of you, is something that haunts you daily. Lori thought it was so traumatic, it became rarely discussed. Not talked about with therapists, not talked about amongst family or friends.

Anika would be a spectacular mother, but what if she dealt with the same thing as she did during her first pregnancy. Going through the stages of excitement all to suddenly feel the stages of grief instead. And some people only make it to the 'acceptance' stage momentarily. She couldn't imagine seeing how happy she would be. Smiling from ear to ear and thinking about names. Then to have it traumatically taken from her. She didn't want to assume the worst, but knowing that there's a chance is enough. What if she was some sort of bad luck?

Anika had her own naivety about motherhood and pregnancy. She probably thought it would be easier, you do a procedure, pay a lump sum of money, and that's all. But she had no idea about trying to be prepared for the worst while still never feeling prepared at all.

Maybe Anika didn't argue because she understood her point. Or maybe she just didn't feel like arguing considering it's two AM.

She hoped that things would come to some sort of agreement between them. But neither of them could read each other at the moment, and they couldn't avoid this conversation forever...

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To Be Continued

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A new chapter is done! I know these last two have been short but when they are shorter they can get updated faster. So yeah...anyways here are the questions! Whoop!

Do you understand Lori's reasoning on why she doesn't want any more kids?

Do you think that Anika was upset or even had a reason to be upset with Lori?

Do you think that Lori will change her mind?

Until next time!