point of view | A.G

Chapter 94: Please my love.

Ariana

The kind of pain I felt at the moment was a brutal mix of  regret, jealousy, and self hatred. Seeing her with someone else was just knife twisting in my gut. It's like for her I didn't exist anymore. At least not in this kind of point of view. She forgot about me. Maybe she even hated me.

It's hard being around her when her heart belongs to someone else.

But the worst part? I only brought bad to her. The day we talked she had a panic attack. Because of my words. Because I told her how much I missed her and how much I still love her.

I couldn't keep that to myself. I know it won't bring her back but I just wanted her to know that there's no one else for me.

I understood why she was with Amari. She was truly beautiful. Amari has those eyes. I simply couldn't describe her beauty. She was polite, respectful, she had this big smile on her lips and I knew she loved Shay as much as I do. It's not hard to guess. She was seeing her life going right trough her as she saw her on the floor.

What killed me the most? Being the reason for this panic attack.

I wish I could go back and change all my damn mistakes. I would love her the way she deserved. I would treat her like a queen. I would do anything to make her happy. But now someone else has what I could've had. As much I just have that desire to take her and kiss her, it wasn't my place to do so. Especially not since she's in a relationship. I couldn't do something like that.

I love to see Shay happy. But it hurts more every time I think about it.

„Ms. Grande, could you elaborate your feelings please?" My psychologist Doctor Knight asked me pulling me out of my thoughts.

„I'm sorry what was the question again" I rubbed my eyes sleepily.

„Elaborate the feeling when you tried to harm yourself" she answered sending me a shiver.

„I-I..." I stuttered feeling overwhelmed.

„Ms. Grande I know it's hard. But we gotta do this you will feel better after that."

„I felt like...someone took the purpose of my life. Like someone ripped me out. Someone ripping my heart till the end. I wanted to end it because I can't be without her. She makes me whole." I described crying.

She nodded and wrote it down on a piece of paper.

„How would you describe her new girlfriend? Is it her making you go angry?" I shook my head.

„No! Her girlfriend is a really polite woman. I get why Shay loves her. She is very educated and she's really beautiful. I don't hate her. I really don't. I just want Shay back. I want her to myself. I wanna look into her eyes and kiss her and just live a normal life."

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My therapy session ended after two hours. I didn't wanna go there but my family made me since they found out about my suicidal thoughts. I guess Shay told them. I couldn't blame her though I would've done the same. Since the lunch day, I haven't seen or heard from her. Nobody did. Nobody besides Tiley. He was at hers almost every other day.

But he didn't say anything he's very loyal and I didn't wanna sound like some obsessed person which I clearly am but...yeah.

My life was pretty much the same every day. Therapy sessions, studio sessions, alcohol Saturdays and crying Sundays.