"Options... I've ran out of Options..." (Book 3)

Chapter 3 - "Frightful Night..."

Chapter 3 - "Frightful Night..."

Clara's PoV

I was drained by then. Mentally and physically drained. I didn't know what to do. What to say. Or even what to think.

All I knew was that I felt flatter than I had ever felt before.

Don't get me wrong I lost Evie when she was 3
Months old but she was still alive and I always knew that. I always knew that she was alive out there where as this baby wasn't. She was gone.

'I want to see her' I whispered into John's chest that night.

It had been a long and exhausting day and I had been in theatre for most of it.

But it was about 10 o clock when I had run out of tears to cry and knew that all that was left now was action.

'Clara?'

'You saw her correct?' I sniffed.

'Yes. But she's so tiny and frail and small' he tried. He was trying to talk me out of it I know -  and he was probably right - but I felt like I needed to see her. Like I had to let her know that I had look after her. I had to see what she looked like before they cremate her.

John had mumbled all sorts of things to me whilst I was crying.

He wasn't really asking my permission he was just explaining how things went from now. I didn't care. I just needed to curl up in a ball and cry.

I had caught about every 5th word of what he was mumbling on about but what I did get was that she needed a name, and she needed to be cremated because it was the best way to keep her alive. To keep her real.

John had suggested a small memorial in the back back garden perhaps? But she had only been born today and died today. I didn't want to think about burying her just yet. Especially when I hadn't even looked at her. I didn't know what she looks like.

I knew it would probably give me nightmares but at least we'd get some closure.

'I want to see her' I said again through a dry and croaky throat.

All I had done was cry so it was no real shock that it was quite scratchy and sore.

'Okay. I'll talk to a nurse. I'll sort something out for us' he had assured me as I closed my eyes on his chest.

I didn't sleep of course. How could I? It would just introduce nightmares that I didn't need.

- - -

John was wonderful I had to admit. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time because I was too distraught but he never left my side once.

Every decision I made he agreed upon and moved on to the next allowing me to take my time.

It was just as hard for him because he's so sane and in control that it's easy to forget that he has mental health issues. Something like this could easily top him over the edge.

Something like this could easily kill him.

We were both led towards a small room the following day.

It was like a very small church within the hospital and I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter as I was wheeled towards the room.

I was indeed wheeled because I had just had the previous day two operations and was to be very limited for now.

I didn't know how I was going to handle this. I hoped I wouldn't break down but that was easier said than done when I saw my little girl in the small coffin.

It wasn't a permanent one because they had said we can choose what we would like her to be cremated in and then we can choose where we would like her to go from here.

I failed of course. Breaking down into tears on the spot which prompted John to do much the same but he managed to hold it together long enough to ask them to take her away.

The nurse gladly obliged and took the tiny coffin away leaving us both alone in the room to talk. Of course not much talking happened.

I became quite distant with him. None of it was his fault so I kept blaming myself thinking that he wouldn't want to know me now that I had murdered our child but he didn't see it that way.

He just kept telling me that we had 4 beautiful children at home that would still need us and in a way he was right.

But in a way it was wrong. We only had two children. Together we raise 4. I shouldn't think of it that way bedside John is Evie's dad and part of her life at the end of the day and I'm practically Henry's mum. I'm his only female influence that he respects because I'm the only one here.

Loosing a baby is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to face - and not something I will want to have to face again. Because I wouldn't be having more kids.

That was a decision that I took seriously. It wouldn't happen again... well at least until John suggested it was now or never and that we would get to old otherwise.

'She still needs a name Clara' John whispered.

'I know. But she has a name' I mumbled.

'Really?'

'It was something Evie said a few a weeks ago. About how much she'd like another little sister to boss around. Then she turned to Poppy and they started playing a game. Poppy was the baby and Evie was the Mum. She lifted Poppy up into her arms and smirked calling her Lissy. Apparently when I later asked why that's the name of the baby in their game. Her name is Lissy. I thought about it and actually... Alissa seemed so perfect' I whispered.

'Alissa. I like it. Sounds like it would have been perfect' he agreed.

'No. It is perfect' I hummed.