"Options... I've ran out of Options..." (Book 3)

Chapter 28 - "There for Me...?"

Chapter 28 - "There for Me...?"

Clara's PoV

'So how was your day?' John hummed.

'Fine' I mumbled walking straight past him and through to the kitchen ignoring his very existence pulling the dinner out of the microwave and sat at the kitchen table.

I didn't think he would be talking to me because I still wasn't planning on talking to him - but either way he had started conversation so who was I to ignore it?

'You alright? You don't look okay?' He mumbled following after me then placing a hand on my shoulder which I instantly shrugged off.

'I'm fine. Just drop it yeah?' I scoffed.

'I don't want to just drop it' he mumbled. 'I want to talk'

'About what? About the fact that I'm lying to you? Something else you want to accuse me of? Because the dog took a Fucking shit on the landing this morning - is that my fault as well?' I growled.

I watched as he shut the kitchen door making it obvious to all the kids to give us a few moments, and looked at me.

'Well technically you are lying to me because I asked if you were okay and you says no? That was a lie. Then I read my emails this morning and you had an appointment at a clinic without telling me. So lies just come automatically out of your mouth?' He scoffed.

'You bastard. You lied to me for weeks about eating and you still don't do that. We're all entitled to our private lives John. I'm allowed to have done have some secrets' I snapped.

'So come on then? You went to the appointment? What'd they say?'

'It doesn't matter'

'There you go again' he says arms folded as I span around and stomped on his foot.

'For fucks sake John. They told me to stop trying' I yelled as his face dropped.

That wasn't the plan but he was being such an ignorant bastard that I couldn't help it.

- - -

This wasn't the most ideal place or time to be having this chat but I might as well get it off my best while I can.

'So what exactly are you saying?' John asked as we were still sat in silence.

We get married in literally 4 days and we're in the midst of a huge argument. This wasn't exactly ideal.

'He said that we should just stop trying for a while basically. He said exactly the same thing I said... my body isn't ready. I'm not ready to conceive yet. Mentally or physically' I hummed hoping John would take the mentally thing into account. 'Your not the only one this has  mentally affected' I mumbled.

'You want to stop trying' he sighed.

'I don't think we were trying before. We haven't had a whole lot of sex recently anyway. That's not what this is all about - but when we do it's just a quickie and move on. There's always a child in the bed or someone demanding something' I hummed.

'True. Maybe I haven't been paying you enough attention in that department'

'I'm not looking for attention John. I don't need you to be shagging me every 5 minutes and in all fairness I probably pushed you away. Plus you decided you wanted me to get pregnant again and I didn't so maybe I was unconsciously stopping that from happening?'

'You want to stop trying don't you?'

'Not forever. I just think maybe we stop putting so much pressure on it. If I'm completely and really honest - I don't want to try again just yet. If it happens - it happens'

'Why?'

'Because loosing another kid will break me. I mean completely break me John. I'm not over it. Im not over Lissy. I'll admit that' I mumbled looking down. 'I don't want to argue about this because there is no argument to be had'

'Huh?'

'I love you John. I really do. And I love the kids we've got. Whilst maybe more kids together in the future is on the cards I don't want any more kids now'

'How can you know until you've tried?' He asks putting a lot of pressure on this, but I wasn't budging.

'This is my choice John. It's me who has to carry and develop the child for 9 months and I'm not ready to do that. If your not willing to respect that decision then... we'll maybe marrying you wouldn't be a good idea after all' I said in tears and ran up the stairs to be alone.

- - -

I didn't see him again for a good 12 hours. He went into hiding mode as he always does when he doesn't get his own way but this is something that is huge.

This is a huge decision for the both of us to make and not something I am ready for. If he really loves me then he'll understand my choices and reasons.

I went upstairs in tears at about 6pm and didn't even see the kids all evening.

He had probably told them to stay away from me because I was to emotional or something? Either way the next time I saw him was when he had no choice but to come in the room at 6am to get his suit and get ready for work.

It was too early on in the morning to be bringing it up again and so I just pretended to be asleep even though he probably new I wasn't asleep.

I heard him faffing around the room for a while and then I felt him sit on the bed to no doubt do his shoes up.

He then shut the bedroom door and walked out but 10 seconds later it was like he had, had second thoughts and came back in.

He stopped and kissed my forehead as he would always do every single morning and then left for work which told me that we were going to be okay.

We didn't even need to talk about it. He'd already made his decision and that was to support me.