"Options... I've ran out of Options..." (Book 3)

Chapter 29 - "Not Good..."

Chapter 29 - "Not Good..."

Clara's PoV

'Just give her some space. That's all she needs is time' Richard had suggested as John plumped up his pillow to sleep on the sofa that night.

He couldn't imagine how Clara felt about all this but he just felt so useless in all of this. Completely and utterly useless.

It was for her he wanted this. He thought that he was making the right decision and that maybe another baby would fix the gaping hole that the pair of them have but maybe the last baby was a sign?

Maybe another baby was the last thing that they needed?

Maybe she can't carry kids anymore. Not just the fact that she doesn't want too.

It was so hard at the beginning - and he had stuck through it all with her, just like she had stuck through everything a year ago with him. He didn't just want to abandon her.

- - -

*20th October 2020*

'Daddy. I'm hungry' Poppy whined as she poked John's cheek.

'Ugh. This early in the morning?' He scoffed at the three year old but he knew he had to get up for work anyway.

He motioned Poppy out of the room so he could go and take a wee, then he would make some breakfast.

He looked over to the other side of the bed and sighed at its emptiness before mumbling to himself.

He knew where she would be. Where she always was these days. She wouldn't come to bed with John. She was too scared.

She either cried herself to sleep on the sofa or hid in the spare room in the basement. It was most likely and typically the latter.

He had to get her out of the basement today. He had to get her back to the hospital to have her stitches removed and he didn't hold out much hope on her not freaking out.

How was John handling all this? Okay.

He went to see his councillor the day after it all happened and had continued seeing her since. He had, had a minor step back in his treatment and so his dosage had to go quickly up again.

He did that for Clara though. If it was just him going through it he would try to get through without the drugs - but he can't do that to Clara. She needs him. 

John sighed as he trudged down the stairs to find Clara already in the kitchen with the kettle boiling.

'Morning' she mumbled.

'Umm. Hi. It's nice to see you up' he hummed genuinely happy to see her out of her pit.

'Yeah. Maybe' she said as Poppy and Henry came bounding in, henry running and falling on his bottom, and Poppy straight into John's arms.

'Food. Food' she demanded as she saw Clara and tried to squirm out of John's arms. She wanted a cuddle with Clara - she hadn't had one in weeks.

Clara wouldn't go near her. She looked too much like what her Lissy looked like as a baby.

They had explained it to Poppy and Henry but they were far too little to understand whereas the other two got it, and were still upset but had gotten on with life.

'Stop wriggling' John instructed trying to get her out of the kitchen but Clara stopped him.

'I can't avoid her forever John' Clara said in regret.

John knew she couldn't, but it had only been two weeks. She didn't have to do anything she didn't want to do yet.

Poppy didn't understand why Clara didn't want any cuddles anymore but Clara had decided it was time to embrace it. She couldn't replace Poppy for Lissy but she has a baby girl and she needs to focus on that.

'Mama' she said as she hooked herself to Clara's leg and giggled ruffling at her pyjamas that John was sure hadn't been changed in a week.

It was progress to get her out of the basement so when she was already at the car - it was very strange to John.

- - -

'Afternoon' John mumbled as he walked into the lounge to find me sort of curled up on the sofa on my own, face stained with tears.

I looked up in shock that John had come back in the room.

I figured he would be at work until late in the evening.

'Hi' I mumbled back as he paced the room for a few minutes before standing in front of me then paced again.

I watched him take a deep in sick of breath before looking down at me and then crouching down.

'I'm and idiot'

'I can agree to that' I shrugged not trying to make him feel any better. He was an ignorant pig and fully deserves what he gets.

The cold shoulder.

'I'm agreeing to your terms. Your right. We're... no I'm... putting too much pressure on this. It's the last thing we need right now. With the wedding and the honeymoon and Christmas in Chicago. Let's get all those things out the way. Revisit this conversation in 6 - 10 months?' He suggested as I sat up.

I could tell he had rehearsed all this but seeing as I want at school - I was on a field day for my research - he had to do this now.

'John-- I don't not want any more kids. Just not now' I mumbled.

'And I respect that. Seriously. Well stop trying. It'll be good for us. You go back on the pill of it will make you feel better and I'll keep it covered up. Please just don't hate me. I couldn't think of anything worse than a honeymoon of two and a half torturous weeks with us panicking and you not feeling comfortable enough to have sex?'

'I love you John. And I love that you would do this for me. There's pat of me that wants to give in and give you what you want for a change - I just don't know if I'm ready to so that' I mumbled as he pushed a hand through my hair and kissed my forehead.

'Shush. Let's not argue. Decision is made' he smiled.