"Options... I've ran out of Options..." (Book 3)

Chapter 10 - "Memorial Garden..."

Chapter 10 - "Memorial Garden..."

Clara's PoV

'I can't help it. And you know it' he mumbled, as I wrapped my arms around his torso and rested my head on his back.

The sun was seeping through the window on this early October morning and actually it was a pretty warm October and looked beautiful.

We spent a moment looking down at the small memorial garden we had set up at the side of the garden that was surrounded by brown wicker and covered in little rose petals and poppies.

It was Poppy who had been insistent on covering it with Poppies because they are her favourite flower ironically whereas John had chosen to cover the outside in lavender.

'I've got a balloon I thought we could tie above it? Let it float?' He suggested.

'That sounds perfect' I hummed.

I didn't really have much memory of this day because it was just so awful.

We were both in pieces when it happened and when we found out that there really wasn't an explanation - it made it even harder to comprehend.

One moment I was 5 months pregnant - the next minute I wasn't. And it wasn't for the want of trying either. I just miscarried.

It was what was called a late miscarriage but it wasn't caught until I got appendicitis for no reason. She was dead before they found out I had that. There was absolutely nothing that could be done.

These things happen for a reason was all that John kept consoling to me - but when my little girl was born the early hours of October 2nd 2020 and I didn't get to hear her cry it was the most heart breaking experience I had ever had to go through.

Then there was explaining it all to the girls what had happened and where she had gone and why we didn't get to bring her home.

Avia was devastated mainly because our of all of them she understood the most about what had happened.

I was in pieces for days - weeks and months actually - afterwards too, couldn't move out of bed or breathe.

It was a week later when John came up with the idea that we had known her that we had felt her move and live and breathe and that we needed to say goodbye to her properly. So we sorted out a small little memorial funeral with her ashes.

It wasn't like it was just a normal miscarriage because she was developed. She was there and had arms and legs even though she was tiny.

'Are you going to the club today?'

'The club? It's not a club John. It's a bereavement council' I scoffed. 'And yes I was planning to go today. A year since loosing her is a hard day' I mumbled to myself letting go of him and walking to the wardrobe.

After the memorial I had closed myself down. Wasn't willing to talk to anyone. I was worse then than I was when I found out I needed a new kidney and was going to die. Loosing a child was something I never wanted to go through again.

John was by my side the whole time though even though he drove me crazy in the beginning but he never left. When I did crazy and stupid things he just stood by me and made them better or let me cry into his shoulder.

He was concerned - as was everyone else - that I might just find alcohol useful again but as much as I wanted too - I managed successfully to fight it.

After a month of wallowing Lilly suggested that going to a bereavement council might be a good idea because I wasn't talking to anyone including my kids.

So in the end I signed up for a group where everyone in the group has lost a child in one way or another - where everyone knows what it's like to loose a child and they all can understand.

'You could come as well?' I suggested.

'No. I don't think so' he grumbled, still closing out.

He had come to one of the first sessions with me but only because his psychiatrist had suggested it.

He was still suffering and struggling through the depression after loosing Lucie - without loosing a baby as well. The ironic part was that he was coming to the end of the cycle but she kept him on for a while longer worried about how this might not help - ending him up back on the anti depressants.

That was depressing in itself.

'I was actually thinking about taking Avia with me?' I suggested, as I sifted through some dresses in the wardrobe.

'She has school?'

'I know. But they'll understand why the could miss one day. I think it will be good for her. She was the one that was most cut up about it. So it only seems fair' I mumbled.

She had been with me before when we realised that she wasn't coping as well as we thought, and actually it helped her.

'Fine but you can tell the others why she isn't going to school' John scoffed.

'I think it will be good for her' I said determinedly as he walked past me and into our en suite bathroom closing the door behind him.

When he came out - I was dressed in a small Summer dress that seemed appropriate for the early October whether and managed to find a pair of boots and a thin jacket to match.

'Offer still stands. You don't have to go to work?' I asked opening our bedroom door.

'No' he mumbled walking by me with his suit now on and smelling wonderfully ready to go. 'I'll see you tonight for the memorial picnic we have planned? It's good weather for it?' He mumbled, kissing my forehead and was gone.

I hated it when he shut himself down like this. When he shut himself away from other people.

I wanted him to come today for me not for anyone else - but I couldn't force him could I?

Now all I had to do was persuade Evie to come tonight. That was going to be a barrel of laughs. She doesn't want to even see John.