"Options... I've ran out of Options..." (Book 3)

Chapter 4 - "Sleep, Eat, Cry, Repeat..."

Chapter 4 - "Sleep, Eat, Cry, Repeat..."

Clara's PoV

'John. John wake up' Richard mumbled as John startled awake from the dream he was having - actually more of a nightmare - that's all he seemed to have these days.

It was night number three on the hospital chair - 3 days since he had slept. 3 days since he had seemed normal.

'Richard?' John mumbled surprised to see him which made him panic. 'Are the kids okay? What are you doing here?'

'Shush. Their fine. Not handling it very well but what do you expect? Avia and Evie are more than old enough to understand what's going on' he shrugged. 'The rest of them are with Lilly' he explained as John sat up a little.

'Okay' he groaned. 'As long as everyone is okay?'

'Their fine' Richard assured. 'How's she doing?' Richard asked looking over to Clara. He really did want to know how she was doing. He felt bad and was pretty worried about Clara - but everyone was worried about Clara.

Of course now that Clara was the mother of one of his children - their relationship had changed a little. With them being a little less friendly and more focused on the future of Evie.

Parents evenings were just embarrassing now when the three of them turned up with Richard generally getting sidelined.

Having been there through all the rubbish Richard had agreed to let the adoption still go through for John so that John could be Evie's legal father figure.

He knew it was just John's plan so that eventually they could all move back to America but it depends on if Richard and Lilly would be willing to go back with them - and Richard didn't really have any desire to go back.

The only good news was now that Evie was legally somewhat American again because Richard was American and Scottish. Which meant that strangely Evie was a bit of of everything, Scottish, American and English.

'As you would expect... The same as yesterday. She falls asleep because they force her to sleep and then she wakes up and cries. Won't even look at me' John mumbled. 'But I won't leave her. I can't. I just can't. All she does is sleep, eat, cry and repeats'

'Good because she needs you right now' Richard mumbled, as the pair of them stood up and left the room as John was cornered by the nurse on shift.

'She was there... through all that crazy stuff. All my mental breakdowns and even now she's there fir every single panic attack. She always knows what to do... So I have to stand by her. Get her through this no matter how impossible'

'Ah Mr Smith?' She questioned politely.

'Hmm'

'We need to know what you want us to do... Would you like us to cremate her? A lot of parents find it easier to do that because then they can bury then or keep them close?' She asked.

'I--'

'You can have some hand prints and feet prints done if you wanted too as well and... She needs a name'

'I know'

'Why does she need a name?' Richard asked confused.

'She was still born at over 18 weeks. She was still a person and legally needs a birth and death certificate' she explained as carefully as she could as not to upset John further.

'She's got a name. Her name is Alissa Smith. We named her a couple of days ago. Something to do with a game that Evie and Poppy play - either way she has a name' John mumbled.

It had been awful. And John blames himself for reasons Clara couldn't understand. She was only 34 years old but these things happen.

Sometimes things just don't go to plan and unfortunately this was one of those things.

It was a real shock four months earlier when Clara had announced her being pregnant to John. She noticed a lot quicker this time because the vomiting and morning sickness hit her a lot earlier.

John was shocked but of course over the moon about it. He wasn't sure if 5 kids was a good idea but he couldn't very well say no could he? And he supposed technically he had only had 4 and so had Clara then.

Clara had awoke three days previous and had a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach that somethings was wrong. But the baby hadn't started kicking strongly quite yet so she didn't notice anything until she started bleeding heavily and had some serious stomach pains.

What was most annoying was that it wasn't even her kidney that was the problem this time - but unfortunately their daughter had died somewhere around two weeks previous.

It was just the fact that Clara having appendicitis was what made them catch it. The Doctor did not enjoy announcing to them that they had lost their little girl.

She was about 20 and a half weeks developed which mean that she had a gender and everything. They didn't even know. They were looking toward finding out what it was at the 20 weeks scan that they would now never have.

John had been at work when he got the call from Clara which he chose to ignore - however looking back now he regrets it. Not that it would have changed anything. The two things weren't however connected.

The baby had already died before Clara had been rushed in with appendicitis - it just wouldn't be picked up until their 20 week scan which was supposed to be soon.

'I need to talk to Clara. This is as much her decision as everything else' John mumbled, unsure of how to approach it.

They hadn't thought about names at first. Heck they hadn't even thought about the gender. John knew how much Clara wanted a son of her own since him having Henry and Lilly having Ollie but quite honestly I think she'd rather her what should have been daughter be alive rather than dead.

'I understand. This is a hard thing to process' she nodded as Richard beckoned for John to follow him for coffee.

'Come on dude'

'No. I want to be there for Clara when she wakes up' John announced heading back into the room where Clara was still fast asleep but starting to stir.

John knew she'd come out of her unconsciousness in a minute and be faced with the choice of choosing a name for her dead daughter.

A choice that John knew she would find hard to make - but he was here for her and it was a choice they would make together.