Journey of Life.

Chapter 1.

Why do I always feel different and that there might be something wrong with me?

I should stop thinking about me that way. But as much as I try, I just can't. Is it because I tend to compare myself too much with others? But...that's the truth. Every day I always feel out of context as if I don't live in this world. Very often I don't even know if I belong to this reality.

Mom reminds me that being different is an advantage, and that is what makes a person rare. As a child I thought so, and that thought made me feel special, above all accepted.

...Perhaps that was just the beginning of my life.

Who knows why at some point, we stop being ourselves when we grow up. Studying psychology, I comprehend that is the phase where we discover our deepest fears, understand our deepest traumas, heal our deepest wounds, forgive our deepest mistakes, embrace our deepest imperfections and accept things for the way they are, everything in order to move on without feeling pain, burden on us but more lightness and happiness.

It's everyone's journey.

And this is my Journey of life.

Writing every word in my diary relaxes me, it is the only way for me to learn how to express myself. I find difficult to do that with people, even with my parents, I feel no longer the need nor the pleasure to talk about me. I mean, as a child, I remember telling them all about my misfortunes I had at school and so on, but, boom, all of a sudden, here I am, closed in my own shell.

'Sooner or later will I understand who I am? Or will I have to pretend to be someone, who doesn't know its own identity?'

And here I am, writing in front of my window. I am always happy when it's raining outside. It's the best way for me to throw away what I feel. So yeah, I like rainy days. So from time to time, I admire it with the utmost serenity. Except this time. Maybe because it's already dark outside. And not seeing the sunlight I turn off too, which does not happen often. I mean to feel this way.

What is happening to me? I shouldn't treat myself this way. As we say, nobody is perfect. But life requires us to be it sometime. So every day I put on a mask, and I pretend that I am. Only in that way, you can live in the crowd. Because after all, without noise, everybody would feel alone. Despite denying it, I know that nobody would want to be abandoned and live in silence by themselves. So we often force ourselves to be around people, because it's only way to guarantee ourselves to have someone in our life.

I must have at least one person in my life, I have to. So..

'Is that what I'm looking for? Or is that what is waiting for me?''

The best part of the day is when I wake up. Every day can be different, and give us the chance to hope that something is new. And it's the first thing that comes to my mind as soon as I get up. Then the second is taking shower, brushing my hair and putting on make-up. I mean, those are simple bases. So what I really think is important is appearance. I have to find myself a good clothing that makes me beautiful, let's say acceptable. Once that I'm done, I stare at the mirror.

"It's useless, I am not pretty." I sigh, and go down to the kitchen.

As usual, my parents don't notice my presence. They are too busy thinking about their day. Mainly my father. He spends hours and hours at his studio, reading cases to defend people, even when he shouldn't. That's why I see him running back and forth on the phone. At least mom smiles at me as soon I sit down.

"Do you want breakfast, sweetie?" I feel she's staring at me, anxiously waiting for my answer. Like always, I don't feel hungry. I replied her no quietly.

"Good." She says, sighing of relief. "I have to hurry, I will drop you off in advance at school."

It happens all the time. They don't really care, in particular when it comes to their commitments. So I go out to the car without saying a word. We don't communicate on the way, although I would like to. Seeing her busy thinking more, I decide to listen to music. The only thing that keeps me company is watching the raindrops fall on the glass. As I watch them, I imagine what my life would be in the future. The idea of growing up scares me, but at same time excited about who I would become. Also, I'm about to finish high school years, so this thought haunts me often.