Journey of Life.

Chapter 10.

Now that I'm in my room, I can cry in peace. I can't even slam the door. I don't want my parents to understand what I'm going through. I would only have hurt and made them worry. Everything is about me. I am the problem.

It was the worst night of my life. Why are people so bad? The world would be so beautiful without problems. It doesn't make sense to create life with the goal to be happy, when in reality it doesn't exist. It's just an illusion, a desire and a dream...I have headache, I can't sleep.

This is why I vent my anger, and my frustrations in my diary. AGAIN. But oddly I can't stop dropping my tears. While I cry, I keep writing about how would be nice to be understood, at least to see someone who realizes my feelings. But the more I shout the more nobody notices them.

For instance, tonight at Nikki's birthday I noticed that no one spotted my presence, including her. She was too busy talking to some guys, especially college guys. I was invisible. All I did was sitting at the corner, even when it was time to dancing. I was the only one staring at others doing slow dance. I pretended to smile in front of that scene.

Until Nikki returned her present to me.

"You have to learn something Iris." She said gazing at me with a mean look. "You can't be selfish. You can't give something that's based on your taste."

She paused to drink. "I want something unique, possibly shiny."

I felt hurt. Being aware of that, she decided to take me aside, away from her friends.

"Let's do something." I looked at her confused. "If you want that I accept your mistake, you have to give me another present."

She smiled at me as it was nothing for her, she wasn't touched at all. Every single word was squeezing my heart more and more. I feel so empty, alone and lost. But I can't show myself like that, so I answered her with, I understand. That reply of mine, she hugged me and started dancing with the guys. Watching her rubbing between their legs took away my desire to stay at the party. So I called dad to take me back. But as soon as Nikki got me on the phone, she decided to push me among the guys.

"Dj. I think you should change music!" She chuckled. "There is someone here, who needs to show what she can do."

The music was erotic, enough to embarrass me. Especially because I felt boys begin to touch me. There were those on my hips and some on my chest. They moved too close, trying to rub on me. Everyone around started shouting my name, even Nikki, glancing provocatively at me. I instantly caught the hands of one of these guys lifting my skirt and didn't hesitate to push him away aggressively. The music stopped, everyone was watching me letting anxiety haunt me.

I went outside as fast as I could. I tried hard not to cry but it ended up that I couldn't breathe, I was having a panic attack. I threw up and felt absurd nausea. I was relieved to see my dad's car coming closer to Nikki's house. On the way we didn't talk, in fact I can say that the return home was quite fast.

When we arrived, he asked me, "How was the party? Did you have fun?"

Opening my car door, I responded, "Oh yeah, it was great. I had so much fun, thanks for asking."

I have never felt so hurt. I don't know what's right for me anymore. I don't know how to behave anymore. It makes me understand that it is impossible to forget what we were. Every day, every moment and every time of our life, we ​​have to face again what we have ignored. It's a punishment, because maybe I'm really a bad person. I am so weak, and without strength. Despite this I am amazed at my capability of pretending- at how far I can resist up to this point.

Can we stop the time, so we could understand that perhaps this is enough? Why don't I feel satisfied? Why can't anyone understand me? I would like someone to free me from this trap. So that I can finally be like birds, free to fly wherever I want, or running and following a mysterious aim, far away from everyone. Especially from reality, looking at the world as a simple bubble. Light that floats in the air. I would love to try the taste of loving myself. But I know. It's useless to write, because everything is up to me.

'It's impossible that I am alone in this trap...right?' I sigh observing the rain.

I finally stop crying. The raindrops falling on my window makes me understand that I am not alone. Seeing it pouring down, I understand that after a rainy day, there's always the sun ready to shine. Every day is different from another. Consequently I imagine how beautiful it is when we're peaceful with ourselves. That's how I want to feel. Only now I can comprehend that this desire is called serenity.

I have to write absolutely what I'm feeling. I express it in this single sentence: We are all capable of pretending to be happy and sad. Except serenity-it is what brings harmony to our feelings. So once we are serene, we can better control our problems. I need to change the perception of seeing my life. It will surely lead me on the right path.

I read that sometimes not all the right things spurn us to be better. Indeed very often they induce us to surrender. In that case the only option is choosing again, the wrong path. It aims is to open a new destiny for us. A new door and a new hope, where we could be sure that this time we won't fail. And that's how I think people should be motivated: to suffer and then realize that there is much more. That is, the possibility of restoring lost moments. But this time with more awareness of what we can face. So If I fail again, it's never late to start over. Otherwise I will be forever slave of my insecurities. I have to spoil my head that I deserve better.

"This means I have to change again. But this time only for myself." I sigh as I fall slowly asleep.