Journey of Life.

Chapter 69.

His presence has become a different company than usual. It's like he's playing with silence, all to make me confused again. I always feel him distant, and this makes me understand that something is not right. Once he tells me that he is not a guy who goes out with all women. And then, now I have inquired that he previously had business with, who knows how many women.

The whole thing is giving me headache, I don't what to believe anymore. I don't know who to follow, his words or the voices I hear about him.

"If I was you, I would run away from James, or rather as soon as possible. He's a tough guy, and hard to handle. You never know what's going on inside his head."

Arthur's voice wakes me up.

But still, why do have to torture myself with doubts? I'm maybe just overreacting. I mean, it's normal for a couple to have problems and argue, but then, why do I feel sad and confused as I was at the beginning?

The emptiness, and its absence in the room, are literally suffocating me. I love him, and I can't get him out of my head. So why should one suffer when it comes to love? Isn't it meant to share, and enjoy happiness together with a person? What is the real purpose of all this? To be happy, to then collapse from loneliness and sadness?

I can't blame the word love, all of this happens because feelings are complicated. Because human is a complicated being. And I don't know what to do with James. He makes me happy, but I constantly have that everything is just a game for him. And this hurts me a lot, despite the fact that I continue to love him. All those moments we had were canceled, as usual, always because of his attitudes. Especially to those words, and to lies.

What am I really for him? Would he risk it for me? Would he risk for our love? Or am I the only one who would wait for eternity for his return? But after I have found out the truth, I no longer know what to think, or what to ask myself. I'm tired. He completely broke my heart.

"Honey, I'm so sorry, I really don't have words." My mother hints, putting down a cup of hot tea. Seeing me wet from rain, and with red eyes for crying, makes her tenderness. So she hugs me, giving me the warmth I need.

While I fold in her arms, she adds, "I'm glad you're home, we missed you so much." She strokes my hair. "It is the first time you have left home more than two days without us."

She moves me away to visualize my face. "And I'm very happy about this, because you're finally having your experiences. And I'm sure that going forward, all this will enrich you. Just to make you really understand what you are looking for, not in a boy, but for yourself."

"But I have a feeling that I can't go on." I wipe away my tears, trying to forget what happened. "That boy completely made me lose my mind, and I love him mom."

"Iris. But, what do you love in that boy, have you ever wondered this?" As soon as she ends, I feel my heart freeze, as if the feelings had stopped suddenly.

I don't answer right away. I just play with my hands, as I usually do when I'm nervous. "There must necessarily be a reason, when you love a person? Isn't it better, instead, to let yourself be carried away by your feelings?"

She doesn't answer right away. "Reasons are like facts Iris. You have to see it to believe it. The reason why you are confused, and you have these frustrations, is perhaps after all, you are not yet in love."

"My heart does nothing but beat for him, and my mind does nothing but think of him." I watch the tea getting cold. "There are certain traumas and past events that are impossible to erase."

I pause, I'm traveling into James' past. "And I think that's what prevents him from enjoying what he has."

I put my hands on my chest, my fire is about to ignite, as soon as I say "And I want to help him get out of that past."