Journey of Life.

Chapter 46.

After other games we end up in a pub. I recognize it, by how often they are ante or their furniture, all made of wood. Then a gal dressed as a cowboy indicates our tables. As I walk down the corridor, and out of the corner of my eye, I notice Nikki observing the back of this girl. She has short jeans while her belly is uncovered wearing a jacket, and a red shirt. Overall makes her very slender. I admire her muscular legs, but at the same time refined.

"Hot body." Nikki mutters silently.

As soon as we sit down, I go to the bathroom. I walk a long but narrow corridor, there are so many people. Enough to make me walk embarrassed, I mean it makes no sense. But people's eyes and hearing them whisper or speak, gives me impression they are talking about me. In this I have not yet overcome. Perhaps because I hate the crowd and the noise. Especially seeing these cowboy girls go around dressed like that, a little bit makes me feel out of context. In particular when, I frame on my left towards a table, a group of guys trying to ask some waitresses their numbers- there are those who whistle or comment on their body parts, mainly staring at their lower back.

Unfortunately, my destination is to go beyond that part, to immediately across another corridor. I stare at that empty spot, I feel really anxious to have to pass through that direction. Not for the boys, just for their ways of dealing with those waitresses.

"You are so invincible that nobody notices your presence." I am reminded of that phrase from a bully, or "You are a loser. In fact nobody will like you or will want to spend time with you. Because everyone knows that it's just a waste of their time!"

I don't understand why I retrace those old times. I feel my heart tighten, my eyes don't stop staring at those guys. While my mind does nothing but wander through those past events. Their looks remind me, when I thought, "It would be nice if someone complimented me."

Or when I said, "Why doesn't anyone consider me beautiful, or perfect like other girls? What's wrong with me?"

I remember various days when I looked in the mirror, staring at my body in disgust. I never realized that the more I did it, the more I was going to hate myself. So it was normal that I didn't like myself, my head was full of negative thoughts.

"Hey hottie, what's your name?" I hear someone talking to me in a persuasive tone.

Consequently I turn away from my thoughts. And in that instant, I realized that I had already crossed halfway. I should stop wandering when I walk, it always ends up not being aware of what I do. Hence I watch a guy, who looks at me curiously.

"What? Did you get struck by my presence?" He hints, while his other friends analyze me. I become a bundle of nerves, as I see them whispering something about me.

"Why don't you sit with us?" He asks.

"Damn! She's really beautiful!" One adds. In the meantime, I feel truly observed. "She has the classic face of a still virgin." As it ends, most of them laugh.

While the first guy responds "Well, if you sit with us, maybe today you can finally get rid of the whim."

Their looks on my breasts and on my hips cause me anxiety. Imagining them touching me gives me a great thrill. A different feeling from how I want, not with the taste of the passion of love, but simply for physical pleasure. This reminds me very much of the experience my mother had with that Luke. So without hesitation, I just walk to the bathroom. This time I don't even stare at them, I don't want to be involved in situations I might regret. But this does not give me the excuse for not hearing them talk about me again.

"That girl is still innocent. Maybe she still sleeps with the teddy bear to be able to sleep." Someone says, a voice different from what I heard.

"Bro, joke as much as you like. But I'd like to fuck her." As he concludes, everyone gasps agreeing with him.

I don't like those words, so I run quickly to my goal. When I finally get to the bathroom, I sigh with relief trying to get those sentences out of my head. Especially those guys. I mean, I was initially taken by their appearance, and by their beauty, only then...they showed themselves a bunch of louts, pumped full of hormones. I believe what can really effect a girl is manners. That's why I can't get James out of my head- I wish he was here with me.

I realize that I'm not alone, but in the company of other girls, busy redoing their makeup or spraying their perfume. Some stare at me very badly, looking from top to bottom. They are all dressed elegantly, those who show their legs, or their shoulders. All of them have heels, to make them look really taller. I pretend I haven't seen them though. I just focus on washing my hands. In the meantime, I hear them laughing at something. From the reflection, I notice two who are watching me, while talking with their friends. For a moment I looked in the mirror and I imagined myself to be those girls.

Would James have noticed me if I had introduced myself as them?
But what am I thinking? I sigh. I shouldn't have these doubts...All of a sudden, I realize they are gazing at me, but with a worried look. I think my whisper was too loud. Thus I just limit myself to smile as if nothing has happened.

"Is everything okay?" I ask. "All you do is sulk." I continue to eat.

"Can I ask you something?" Nikki asks watching the food cool down. "Have you ever been confused...like sexually?"

"Honestly, not really." I reply. "Instead, how did you understand it?"

She doesn't answer right away. I sense her feeling particularly not ready to share it with me. Hence in order not to create an embarrassing situation, I change topic.