Journey of Life.

Chapter 9.

Having said that, she grabs my hand and all of us decide to leave. I don't turn around to look at the girl. I know if I had I would have felt guilty. I am so disgusted with myself. Instead of following them in the car, I should have made up an excuse and go home. Unfortunately I still can't get away, or untie myself from them. Imagining that poor girl still crying on the ground, I feel like crying too.

With my hands over my mouth, I let my tears fall.

Seeing Nikki and Kelly enjoying shopping, I lose all of my confidence. Sometimes it would be nice to have some of their attitudes, at least this side of them. The outside world seems not to exist, because they put themselves at the center of everything. Maybe, I don't value myself enough. But I wonder what's special about me?

I divert my thoughts as soon as Nikki throws me a bag. Only there I realize that I am their servant. While they go around the mall, I am behind them to bear their expenses. I immediately frame a group of guys next to the exit, including one- he's really cute. When he meets my gaze, I don't hesitate to look away.

Jeez! I got caught.

I walk quickly but without paying attention to my steps. So here I am, bumping into a waitress. The drinks she was about to serve ended up on my shirt. I apologize but rightly she scolds me. And Nikki and Kelly, instead of comforting me, they just grab their bags and head to another store, leaving me alone again.

Writing every single thing in my diary is such a relief. I feel better, until my mom calls me. "What?"

"Come here." She extends her hand, waiting for me to hold it. Instead I avoid it with arms crossed. She pretends not to mind it. I feel instantly sorry as soon I receive a bag. "Open it."

"Mom you didn't have to." I smile at her. "It's just a birthday."

I touch the beautiful dress, it's so soft. The more I examine it, the more I see simplicity in it. A theme that I absolutely love. I never expected my mom would buy me something like this. I hug her and say, "Thanks mom."

"Consider it as a party of the last year." She laughs encouraging me to take it. "I am sure blue will be good on you."

She sits on the bed admiring me, trying it happily. "Iris. I saw that you no longer have the mirror in your room. Why?"

"I just wanted to have more space, that's all." I reply walking away.

But she stops me by saying, "I hope one day, you will realize the amazing person you are."

I don't open mouth, I just smile and head to my room. I don't want her to be worried. When it happens she starts bombarding me with questions. It's not worth it, she won't understand me anyway.

When I'm in my room, I realize that I have forgotten to close the diary. Luckily I positioned it behind the pillow. I don't want anyone to read it and neither my parents. So I hurry to put it back in my drawer. After that I head to the bathroom.

The sensation of water gives me chills, I feel so good. I imagine the rain caressing me and driving away all my thoughts. Sometimes it's nice to enjoy a few moments of peace in solitude. As soon as I get out of the shower, I stop again in front of the mirror. I see myself so off.

I sigh.

"How long has it been since you smiled Iris?" I whisper as I comb my hair.

I can't look at myself, I just turn around. I stare at the waterlogged floor. I keep my arms on my chest as if I was embracing, or covering myself from the cold. I realized that growing up, there is also the fear of not being enough. We are constantly looking for acknowledgment of who we are. By keep doing it, we collapse as soon as someone denies our personality. And that's what I'm doing with myself. I can't love myself, no matter how hard I try.

'Why am I not enough?'