Origins oneshots!!! (Spare me)

Meditation

(Based off a HC i have)

Kaiba couldn't sleep. He hadn't, not since the incident. Maybe it was expected that a near death experience would affect you. You know when your lungs no longer take in every breath, you can feel your heart beat through your entire body, and all you can hear is some painful white noise as your vision fades just for you to be saved the last minute. For him that save was feeling Mors's hand let go of his neck, hands that once traced his skin lovingly now squeezed all common sense and self respect out of him from his throat causing him to beg and squirm for his laugh.

No pharaoh would be so weak to sob and beg for his laugh then cry on the floor of his own home. A leader wouldn't won that fight and punished Mors for life, not be so weak to be defeated. The icky feeling that lingered after feeling so weak wouldn't let him rest, that feeling of disappointment in himself, the disappointment he knew his mother would feel, the disappointment Ashara would feel knowing his boyfriend was so weak.

So he usually just lay awake replying the recent events of camp oasis in his head. He lay with a man who he only met a few weeks ago, who then easily beat him in a fight and emotionally destroyed him. Mother said pharaoh's don't cry, they don't get upset, they overcome their issues, pain makes them weak. Being promiscuous exposes yourself so vulnerably so easily, that wouldn't be tolerable. And after all of that, he still allowed himself to almost he killed by the same man who took his virginity.

How pathetic could he be? Mother would never see him as a pharaoh if she knew how weak he had become.

After a day or two of no sleep, just staring at his ceiling cursing himself, he became too tired. Too tired to give Inpu sassy comebacks, too tired to moan at Teras whenever he would sneak into the palace, too tired to gossip with Roman holiday.

Sometimes when he'd be relaxed enough his eyes would close, his breathing would calm and his body would slip into a sleep. It would be enough to keep him alive enough to force enough energy to seem like the normal arrogant Kaiba, but it wasn't much. Each time he'd dart awake with some vivid nightmare. Sometimes it was of staring into Mors's eyes while he choked the laugh out of him, or sometimes it was feeling Mors's hands caressing down his inner thigh.

He would wake up in a cold sweat, breath quick and harsh, his ears pressed flat to his head as his hands shook. He would just scoff after. Who needs sleep anyways? Ashara doesn't sleep, he's so strong he didn't even need to eat, that's what a pharaoh should be like! Inpu was so dedicated to his family and his work that he could deprive himself of sleep for days and still be ok, that's what a pharaoh should be like! Mors was feared and unbelievably strong, that's what a pharaoh should be like.

He got fed up. Fed up with Meri for not being component enough to train him sufficiently, fed up Selma was a fumbling idiot. Fed up his mothers expectations were so high yet her affection was so low. No, he was only saying that because he was irritated. His mother was amazing, a divine being. Everything he owned was because of her, without her he'd be nobody. Time wasn't important, telling people how much you care isn't important, holding someone close wasn't important.

She gave him the most sincere thing anyone could. She spoilt him rotten, gave him everything he could've wished. His mother's love language was clearly giving gifts, which means giving gifts is the most emotional way of affection of them all! How dare he even dare to think his mother buying him whatever he wanted was a way to tell him that she cared when she really didn't, a way to look after him and grow him into a leader without actually having to contribute to his childhood. His mother loved him, he wasn't alone, he had his mothers gifts.

He needed to clear his head and fast, all these blaming thoughts where uncalled for. It was nobody's fault but his own, no matter how many times he told himself that those thoughts wouldn't go, that he wasn't at fault. Maybe Mors was right? Maybe he was self-absorbed. Blaming mother and meri for his failures.