First Impression 2

Chapter 14

-Niall's POV-

I could not sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could picture was Hayley sitting on the bathroom floor, choking on her own sobs. I could only see her bringing the cold blade claim her life with every swipe she inflicted upon herself. I know she said she didn't ever harm herself in that way, but I couldn't help but see it that way. It's like the image was painted on the inside of my eyelids. That's all I could see. It was eating me alive. The guilt, the pain, everything. I couldn't help but wonder if that thought ever crossed her mind again. I wondered if the evil thought tugged at her brain when she logged into Twitter or heard all the hate, or after every fight she had with her mother.

The pain and guilt soon relinquished into anger and hatred. How could her own mum force those God awful thoughts into her head. How could she be so blind? How did she not see how far she was pushing Hayley away from her? I knew it wasn't my place to judge her. I had fucked up just as badly as she had in the past. I pushed Halyey away too.

Why was I such a fuck up?

I had been yearning for this sort of happiness for years now. I always wondered if I could ever capture the joy that Louis, Zayn, Liam, and Harry had even captured at one time, I wondered if I was capable of loving someone with every fiber and every square inch of my soul. I thought I could. I thought I would always be a damn good lover. A damn good boyfriend. Shows how much I knew. I was the furthest thing from that.

I shook the self doubt away from my mind and looked down at Hayley, who lied asleep sleep in my arms. Her newly dyed blonde hair cascaded down her back, her bangs lied across her forehead. Her pink lips were parted slightly in her sleep. Her chlorine breath taking eyes hidden from the world. Her cheek rested upon my chest, her hand used as a small cushion. She was still here. She hadn't left me yet. After all the bullshit fights and endless loneliness, she was still here with me.

I must be doing something right..

I pulled the white patterned duvet up over her naked chest. Even after all this time, all these months with her, I wasn't sure what it was about her that made me go insane. I don't know what it was about her that made me act the way I did. She made me so nervous. I could plan exactly what to say to her. I always knew exactly what to say to make her blush. I knew what to say to explain just how much of a better person she made me; but as soon as I opened my mouth to tell her, I froze. All the thoughts I had planned and felt were gone. They disappeared into vapor flying through the air. Lost forever.

I kissed her forehead and tried to get some sleep, hoping that when I closed my eyes I could see something other than the pain she had always known. Hopefully one day I'd be able to stop adding to the pain and make it all go away; like I had once done before.

...

"Niall, c'mon." Hayley giggled as she tugged on the locked door handle. It had just turned eight o'clock. Still too early for me to function, but I had a plane to catch.. again. I clocked the condo door and hoped down the steps, two at a time.

"Give me a kiss and I'll unlock it." I teased her as I puckered my lips.

She laughed. "I can just stay here, that's not a problem for me."

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Just one. Right here." I pointed to my cheek.

"You act like I don't love you enough." She winked before leaning in to kiss my cheek but I turned my head at last moment causing her lips to land on mine.

"You have not changed at all." Hayley laughed, shoving my chest.

I unlocked the car and she crawled into the passenger seat as I jogged around to the driver's. "Have I really not changed?" I asked as I turned the engine over.

"Well.." She shrugged. "You have but you haven't."

"Do explain to me."

"Well, like," She struggled to find the right words. "Like, you haven't exact;y changed who you are. You still act the same. Still childish and immature and goofy. You still manage to make me happy when I'm upset. You still make me laugh and you're still my hero. However, I have seen new sides to you. I have seen you angry. I've seen you cry. I've seen your jealousy and violent temper. I have experienced your annoyance caused by me and I've seen a deeper more vulnerable off guard art of you. I mean, you have only evolved into exactly what a boyfriend should be." Her fingers laced between mine as we pulled out onto the highway.

"What do you mean?" I cocked an eyebrow at her. I was real confused on where she was going with this.

"Well, a good boyfriend isn't perfect. They're supposed to mess up every once in a while, some more than others,"

Some as in me

"But that's not a bad thing. Girls are weird. Boys aren't meant to understand them, just as girls shouldn't be able to understand boys. The thing that is important is that when you do mess up, you learn from it. You learn how to avoid the problem for next time or you both come to a compromise. Compromise which involves a lot of communication, something that we lack." She teased.

I could feel myself getting more and more stressed with this conversation. I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel as her grip on my free hand tightened.

"Niall," She pleaded. "Stop being so hard on yourself. You are doing a great job for our complicated relationship. I know it must be hard for you because it's hard for me. And I understand that the difficulty is tripled along with your jealousy, but trust me. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I want to work whatever else life can throw at us. I want to work through it with you. You may not be the same Irish boy that I fell for in One Direction, but you are the Niall Horan that I have fallen in love with."

I could feel relief flush over me. It was good to know that she saw what we lacked as well. It wasn't just me. It was also just as relieving to know that she wasn't going to give up on me either. I brought her hand up to m lips and placed a kiss on the back. "I'm sorry. I know I fuck up a lot but I'm just trying to be a better person for you. Someone you deserve."

"If you were trying to be someone I deserved then we would not be together because you are not what I deserve at all."

I felt a pang in my chest.

"You deserve so much more." She finished.

I laughed. "Bullshit. But I'll take it."