First Impression 2

Chapter 58

-Niall's POV-

Even though the only thing separating her body from mine was the open air between the couch and the chair she was seated in, I felt as if she was on the moon and I was stranded on the Earth below. It was hard to see her sitting within my grasp but her invisible wall was towering above me. Even if I was physically capable to climb it, I wouldn't be able to do so within the next five years.

Hayley had decided to let me talk to her, but she still recoiled back with every advancement I made towards her. I could never tell her my feelings in the past, but now I couldn't stop from doing so.

"First off I just want to say I'm sorry," I said as calmly as I could. My voice came out strong and confident but inside I felt like a little infant lost in the ocean, waiting for it to swallow me up. "For everything really. I've been a complete ass. I made a promise, not only to myself but, to you and your father. I promised that I would treat you right and give you every part of me. I haven't done that. I've taken advantage of you and your love. I have abused it like a drug because that's what it was to me; an addiction. An addiction that I didn't always take advantage of. I didn't. I used to treat you right, didn't I? I used to give you the world. At least, I thought I did."

Shit this was far more difficult than I thought. I raised my eyes to see Hayley biting her lower lip, avoiding my eye contact. Her eyes were brimming with tears. That alone could rip me to pieces.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you how lucky I was to have you more often. I should have trusted you more. Maybe if I would have done that we wouldn't be in this place. Actually, I know we wouldn't. I should have continued to treat you the way I did over the summer. I should have done so much.."

"But you didn't.." Her voice was shaky.

I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. She was right. "No, no I didn't. But fuck, if I could go back I would. I would go back and hold you instead of yelling. I would have kissed you instead of cursing. Instead of leaving, I would have hold on tighter. When you would cry, I would be the one to make you stop instead of making you cry harder. When I noticed that the hate was getting to you, I should have reassured you, convinced you, until you believed it yourself. Hayley, Jesus, I know I have screwed up and I kick myself over it all the fucking time. But, please, don't confuse all my mistakes for not loving you. I love you more than I have loved any physical thing in the entire world."

"I know you do.." I sighed with relief. I don't know what would have happened if she didn't believe me. "but I don't know if I can continue to know that. I don't know if I want to continue knowing that."

Panic rushed through my veins. She just had a lot going on right now. She didn't mean this. I pushed my hands against the couch, moving myself to my knees in front of her. Hayley leaned back further with every inch I moved forward until her back was pressed against the back of the chair. "Hayley, no, you don't mean that."

She didn't say anything. She didn't look at me.

"Hayley, please, don't."

Nothing.

"Can you say something?"

For the first time since I fell out of Matt's bedroom, her eyes met mine. Her lips pressed in a straight, flat line. "I give up."

My breathing picked up speed and it hurt to fill my lungs with oxygen. It hurt to move, it hurt to live. I shook my head rapidly. "No! No, you don't mean that! I know I made mistakes, but we both have! We can fix it! Hayley, don't give up on me. Don't give up on us." I tugged at my hair, extending my legs so I could pace the room.

"We have made too many mistakes, Niall. It's not you. I am not giving up on you, or us."

"Then what are you giving up on?!" I yelled. I was crying now and it sounded pathetic.