Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 109: Screaming in the Night Part 1

The air is heavy, my heart is pounding......i SMELL and see a trail of blood leading to a closet door. I am panicking......I open the door, to find Nikki.... its Nikki, a needle in his arm.... gun at his side, and I am screaming.... screaming how sorry I am, for him to come back. This feels real.... TOO real.... i hold him like a lifeline, desperately trying to get him to respond and he disappears like a puff of smoke, and I cry out in agony....my love is gone....

Another scene, surreal.... the air SMELLS of fear, things are blurred, and I realize, I am driving, and Nikki is beside me in pain, something.... something is WRONG, very wrong. He asks me to stop, I think.... i panic, as I see an ever-growing red stain in his pants. The fear in his eyes, and I know my eyes reflect the same. Us sharing a look, a look that feels like our last.... the blood, the blood WONT stop.... its wont fucking stop. And a baby, a baby is coming.....we have no choice, the image blurs....and I realize suddenly I am holding, a baby....my Frankie, cord around her neck and she is silent....i desperately try to help her, and Nikki's eyes, they close and then both my husband, my daughter and still yet to be born....are taken from me and I feel like I can't fucking breath, I cry out for them.....the blood is all I see, smell....and I am covered, covered in my beloved's blood and then all begins to fade.....as I wake up, SCREAMING.

"NIKKI!!!" I scream....and scream and sob, panicking.... heart racing and I find myself looking around, and Nikki is no where to be found as reality kicks me in the balls, my beloved lies in the hospital and I need to CALM down.... but it's so damn hard, "NIKKI.... NIKKI......" I sob.

It's so hard, so HARD to calm.... this HURTS.... but then or rather now, I hear two VERY frightened voices and oh SHIT. I never.... never meant to scare them....

"Daddy?!! Scared, me and Mara heard you scream.... mommies name....is...this, my...my fault?!" My eyes I can feel them widen; she is just like Nikki...so much like them.... calm, you need to calm Joe.... that's what I am trying to tell myself now....

I try to form some kind of response, and I breathe.... I'm scared shitless, but I breathe managing to choke out sobbing, "C-Come.... here.....Its....its NOT your fault honey.....its n-never your fault...." I blink and two little girls climb into the bed, and they hug me fiercely and I give in kind as we all hold one another, I can feel them, and I tremble.

It takes some time, I don't know how much before I can speak, still in tears, still scared but as soft as I can I say, "I am so sorry, I woke you two......I had really, scary dreams.... About your mommy. T-they felt so real....and I...." I break down again, it hurts.

"Daddy, you always tell me.... you and...and mommy...." Josephine faulters before continuing, "You can't help.... what happens when I have scary dreams. I thought my fault cause.... i had bad dreams about mommy too...but I here daddy, me and Amara."

"M-Mommy have scawy dweams too? Daddy, he wakes soon?" Poor Amara, my poor sweet girl.

"You mean.... while he's.... he's sleeping? A little tearful nod, "He.... does and honey, I really hope so.... i really do." These words only make her cry harder, "Hey.... we gotta hope... I know it hurts the baby, and I also know he's doing everything he can to come back to us. Now.... let's try and get you girls back to bed, ok?"

There is no damn way, I can go back to sleep....no damn way, every time I close my eyes, I see Nikki covered in blood, even though I'm not asleep. But once again NOW, I hear Nikki in my head, 'I could close my eyes and see nothing but darkness and STILL you would come to me in the dark Joe, still you would come for me and you won't give up until you bring me out of the dark, to the light.... You are the light and baby I'm here with you even in the dark as you are here with me in MY darkness.'

"We stay with you daddy. P-Pease?" Amara asks and before I can say anything and I would very much like them to stay with me, the phone rings and my heart drops.... shakily, I answer the phone after Josephine hands it to me....

"H-Hello? Is.... Is it...." I gulp, "N-Nikki?" Please, no.... please NO....

"Mr. Perry? Your husband......he's not waking, but he seems to be in distress, and we were......" I cut the nurse off....

"I'll be right there, asap...." A few more words and I hang up, throwing clothes on....in fact, wearing one of NIKKI's Mӧtley t-shirts and my leather jacket and all the while my girls cling to me as I managed to explain that Mommy needs me to calm him down, AND I manage to call family whom come running.....Alice Cooper and Johnny Depp to be exact and they promise to let everyone else know what's going on and I quickly hug my girls one last time and before I go through.....

"I hope mommy fee betta daddy, give him lots of hugs and kissies." I promise to do so, Josephine echoes similar sentiments and my heart breaks at the looks on their faces and it's like I blink and I am at the hospital once again, in Nikki's room....whom is thrashing around, bandaged after having apparently pulled out his IV and I immediately, touch him.....holding him carefully, resting my forehead against his and I speak....albeit tearfully.....

"Hey H-Honey bee.... its ME.... it's your Jo-Jo Bear.... baby, calm.... down......you, gotta...gotta calm down. I know it fucking hurts like hell, I know you see darkness and are in it. I see......what happened....and what happened after.... we'd been apart. But I am HERE, I promise you I will do what ever it takes to see those beautiful eyes again, to see your smile....to see YOU, to bring you back to the light. YOU are my light, my world though.... it's so dark right now, but still, I think that I have you Nikki.... I have you and our five precious children. Just calm, listen to my voice babe, listen...."

I remember that night, that night.... or those wee morning hours of January 5, 1995. What I mean is I remember in flashes, bits and pieces.... those echoes.... echoes of tears, my screams....me and my eldest children.... being scared shitless.... flashes of blood, seeing my husband's blood. Time had no meaning, no true meaning. It was a haze, a bubble.... clear and distorted both if that makes sense. I did get Nikki to calm down, took a bit.... but his vitals got stable and still he slept on, and I begged him to open his eyes, and he didn't. Yet I also knew he COULD 'see' me, in his dreams....and I would talk to him the rest of that night, all night and I right away started on my promises I made to Nikki, the ideas Josephine and Amara helped with, and I ESPECIALLY had those blankets made from my old sweatshirts so I could keep Nikki and my newborns safe and calm.

And if you happen to be wondering......Josephine and Amara, DID get some sleep and I mean not much. Josephine especially was exhausted even more so; her sister slept a wee bit more.... anyway, it would turn out and I gave permission that since Mick & Brad's son along with Tommy and Steven Adler-Lee's oldest daughter went to Josephine's school.... Well, they'd collect all the work and everything Josephine needed at school wise and bring it to us.

Next time, you will find me....me with my heart, my other half.... crying, again the echoes of tears but you will find me talking to my beloved husband and as always, you'll see....

A/N: At last, internet and a new chapter done. Next chapter will be part 2 to this one AND it will be chapter 110, wow over 100 chapters now for this book!