Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 111: I'd Fight for You, Always

DAYS, DAYS have passed...several, it's been a week.... i think, or at least that's what Nikki's Doctor's have said. It's felt like an eternity, a painful...bitter-sweet you name it eternity. I've started on those special projects that Josephine and Amara came up with or rather helped me come up with. Especially, the blanket of my old sweatshirts, which have been cleaned and repurposed. I've been putting my heart and soul into it; Nikki deserves NO less than that. I can't sew, or I couldn't......but I've seen Nikki do it often, enough & so I've made already sweat-shirt blankets for the triplets AND Nikki's. I had help, from Josephine.... from our family, but I wanted to work on it myself. I've barely slept, every time I DO.... i See Nikki, covered in blood....me covered in HIS blood & those bitter-sweet dreams mixed in. I tell Nikki, every day/night as I have for these pasts' days, 'I will fight for you always, I won't rest until you are healed baby, I don't care how long it takes....'

I am brought out of my thoughts by the sounds of Josephine, who is dead on her feet.... She isn't the only one that's been working or trying to get through the pain like one possessed. She is currently working on her schoolwork; she's already done SO much & not just with school.... but I am worried about her, I see her shoulders tremble......Amara trying to comfort her & now we are all at the hospital with Nikki, waiting on Tony, James & Frankie to be bought in....

"Honey? Oh sweetheart......" I crouch down to her & Amara's level & find myself tackled as Josephine sobs into my chest as I hold her and her sister both, feeling tears come myself, "---Shhh, I know this all hurts SO much.....you feel so lost....and you think throwing yourself into school and trying to whatever you can think of.....will help, but its....not enough, not always." I find myself saying tearfully. "---Take a break from your schoolwork sweetheart, just try and calm as much as you can, I'm worried about your honey."

It is at those words; she looks up at me.... eyes filled with such PAIN, such love and its like Nikki looking back at me....

"Oh.... daddy!" She wails, I only hug her and her sister tighter, and I manage to glance at Nikki, to see.... once again, tear tracks roll down his face....and after a few moments, Josephine speaks again looking up at me, Amara clinging to Josephine. "---It hard, hard to sleep.... seeing bad stuff and seeing mommy like this....and I tired daddy, but I am making things worse......"

I cut her off, "YOU are not making things worse Josephine Nicole Perry, and I know you're tired, I know honey. I know how scary this all is, but we are HERE together." I soften my tone, "---You're just like your mommy, just like him and I love you.... all of you, all parts just like I do him. and I am your father, I am always gonna worry about you, no matter what I am going through. Always be here no matter what for you, your sisters and brothers, no lie." .....

Eventually we do all get off the floor, Josephine calmer than she was...and for now, she takes a break from her school work and I managed to see just how much she'd done and it was staggering.....i being proud and worried both....proud of her working so hard and worried about her pushing herself so.....course I was doing things in a similar way.....

Before I realize it, Tony.... James and Frankie are brought in.... for skin to skin with Nikki, me murmuring to them.... talking to them, calming them as they feel Nikki's heart and once, they've had ample contact with their mother, I ask Amara and Josephine......an idea occurs to me.

"Hey....do you want to try & hold your brothers and sisters? You must listen to everything you're told but have no worries daddy will help you."

Josephine & Amara share a look.... both looking unsure and a bit scared which breaks my heart....

"T-They still healing.... daddy.... i don't know what doing, scared." Josephine stammers. I remember those words; I'VE said them and Nikki as well especially when Josephine was born....

"Listen to daddy, its OK to be scared. And they are still healing, they will get there. I know EXACTLY how you feel, not knowing what you're doing.... if you're doing the right thing, but girls I need you to remember this: I am right here with you to help, always. I TRUST you both & I am proud of you both, love you both SO much as does mommy."

The girls absorb my words, one its like looking into a mirror and the other is like Nikki staring back at me, those twin looks though of awe....and love, so much grounding me despite the pain......

Josephine sits carefully in a chair & I help her hold: Frankie first.... Amara sitting with her sister & me watching over all my children and my love lying so still & the tears come once more & then Josephine's bitter-sweet words float to me & I know they will reach Nikki....and God, I am so proud of her!

"You look like mommy, just like me.... daddy say that a good thing, very good thing. It hurts lots cause he's sleeping & doesn't know when to wake, but he loves us & daddy always says he can see us in dreams and hear us. We have the best mommy & daddy ever, and they'd do anything for us.... anything. And mommy always says, daddy saved his life & its cause that, we all here. Daddy saved your life, saved Tony, and James and Mara's...."

Eventually Josephine holds Tony & James....and Amara too 'holds' them. & I marvel at how they are with their siblings, how all five of my children BOND and it hits me hard in a good way & too, Nikki is here but NOT HERE to see with his own eyes....Gradually the triplets fall asleep & are taken back to the NICU for a bit & once more its my oldest & I.....alone with Nikki, as always I touch some part of him to let him know I am THERE, HERE & So are our children.

Nikki, we are here.... each of us fighting thru the pain.... fighting my love for YOU. I would save you and our children repeatedly. It's always been you Nikki.... always & it always will be. How proud you would be of our girls; I mean I know you are.... but still, today especially. At last, they held their brothers & sisters & god Nikki they way they looked at me, the way they looked at their siblings....well, I know or hell they are good big sisters & it gives me hope that in time we will get thru this, all of us & I never will lose sight of that....of you & as I felt and did several years ago....i wont rest until you are back in my arms, where you belong. Nikki, I can't WAIT for you to SEE....

He would, he would in time come to see & sadly more days would pass & my extended family forced me to spend some time just myself......which I needed, but still fucking hurt because of Nikki still lying in the hospital....my newborns there & that my oldest were with family. And I would also find in the bedroom, that Nikki had left for me.... a letter from my heart......

A/N: Bitter-sweet moments, hard ones and more. More to come soon here in our tale!