365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 10

August 1st, 2009

We left the camping at 8AM. Doniya was afraid to be late at the wedding she was going in the afternoon. I smiled when, just before I get in the car, Alexis went to the beach. She came to me and handed me her cell phone.

- Give me your number.

I smiled a bit more and entered my number, with a small nickname. The guy you did something that wasn’t your thing with. A bit long, but I was sure she would find it fun. She kissed me on the cheek and then, I entered in the car. Waliyha was laughing, I just looked up to the sky. She was stupid. That’s what I was telling myself.

When we get home, I wanted to call Eli. As soon as I entered into the house. But I would look like I was just so desperate. So I stayed home. Alone. Until I received a text from Alexis. We talked a bit, and then I went for a ride. I always loved to run. It was just… Nice. Feeling your feet on the ground, the wind through my hair in my bandana, the smell of the outside. I went running near a small river, which was a nice spot. I followed the water for half of the ride, then I get back into the streets. And, without thinking, I was in front of Eli’s house. I stopped and looked into one of the window. I couldn’t see inside, but I knew she was there. I felt something on my heart. It was oppressing me, making me suffocate. My eyes went wet again, so I started to run again. It was hard, so hard. When I get home, I just ran upstairs, and locked myself in my room. I didn’t even take a shower. I let myself fall on my bed and put the volume of my headphones to their maximum. I felt for the first time what a heartbreak was. And why there was so many songs about that. You can’t really describe the feeling. So you try, and try, and try. You put words that can barely make others understand what you’re feeling. But that’s nothing comparing to the true feeling. It’s something that makes you want to jump in front of a car, or off a bridge. I couldn’t cry, that night. I was just lying in my bed, going through sad song and sad song. It was my fault. I let her go. I left her, which was worse. If I was feeling that bad, I had only two things to blame : Myself and my jealousy.

I didn’t came to eat that day. I just… couldn’t eat anything. When Doniya came back of her wedding, she knocked on my door. I knew it was her, because the knocking were soft, but assumed at the same time. Not the kind of knocking Safaa would do. I let her do. I didn’t wanted to talk to anybody. But I forgot a thing : That girl is the one who showed me how to unlock doors with bobby pins. She put a part of cake on my desk and took place next to me.

- Tell me what’s wrong Zayn… I have never see you like that…

- Nothing, OK ?

- Zayn…

Silence. I was just trying not to break in front of her again.

- I broke up with Elizabeth.

- I’m sorry…

She hugged me really tight, the kind of hug that she was the only one to give. I kissed her on the cheek. I was really lucky to have a sister like her. 

-----

Soooooooooooooooooo. What are you thinking about ?